Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll just go for it. I’m somewhat currently engaged to whom I thought was the man of my dreams. On March 25, 2015, he released information he’d been holding in for quite some time. He’d slept with over six different women in the three-year timeframe of our relationship. And he slept with 1 of the 6 actually on numerous occasions.
I’ve been praying for guidance in my path. As of right now, I’m not in spirit for this whole wedding set for the end of this year. I wouldn’t feel right saying, “I do” under these conditions. My mind has many doubts and double thoughts. My soul just feels dumbfounded. I feel the entire time was a lie because we wouldn’t have gotten to this point in our relationship, if I had known what I do now. I just don’t know. Am I Wrong for Having Second Thoughts about Getting Married?
Sincerely Second Thoughts
Dear Second Thoughts,
No, you are not wrong for having second thoughts about getting married. You should have doubts and double thoughts.
If your fiancé cheated prior to marriage, he probably will cheat after marriage. Unfortunately, your dilemma is commonplace. I often speak with single women who are confused about remaining with and marrying “honest” men who are selfish and lack self-control.
You should be suspicious of any man who allows moments to destroy futures – yours and his.
The problem I have with selfish men who lack self-control is this. They have difficulty with seeing and understanding how their actions hurt the women they claim to love. This is not a very attractive or trustworthy trait for a future spouse. You should be suspicious of any man who allows moments to destroy futures – yours and his.
Please do not fall pray to the psychological warfare that men are good at. Do not allow your fiancé to use your confusion to minimize his indiscretions.
The marriage institution is not designed for self-centered, selfish and undisciplined individuals. Temptation is everywhere and it occasionally presents itself. You need to know for sure that your fiancé has the discipline, insight and self-control to walk away from temptation. Better yet, he needs to be able to see it before he is it in. They say, “An Ounce of Prevention is worth a Pound of Cure.”
I highly recommend that you consider pre-marital therapy or relationship coaching if you decide to move forward. Whatever you decide, please know that you deserve the best. In the Fall I will be releasing my new book entitled, “You Deserve More: A Single Woman’s Guide to Marriage, How to Select and Invest in a Lifetime Partner”. I highly recommend you secure a copy prior to moving forward.
In closing, don’t do what your heart and soul can’t handle. If you can’t trust or forgive him, do not give yourself to him.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Postpone the wedding. Observe how seriously he takes counseling. Is he reading books on is own? Do you have the passwords to his phone and social media accounts? Does he still leave for hours?
If he is not being totally transparent then he’s still about that life. It’s time to go!
Deuces
MY HUSBAND LEFT ME FOR NO REASON. I WAS NO LONGER MY SELF AND AT A TIME, I ATTEMPTED TO COMMIT SUICIDE. BUT THANK GOD I CAME ACROSS ROBINSON BUCKLER ONLINE. I READ GOOD REVIEWS ABOUT HIS GOOD WORK AND HOW USEFUL AND HELPFUL HE HAS BEEN TO PEOPLE. I CONTACTED HIM AND TOLD HIM MY PROBLEM. HE TOLD ME THAT MY WAN WILL COME BACK TO ME. HE TOLD ME WHAT TO DO AND I DID IT AND TO MY GREAT SURPRISE MY HUSBAND CAME BACK JUST AS HE SAID. I EVEN NOTICED THAT WHEN MY HUSBAND RETURNED, HE EVEN LOVES ME MORE. THIS IS NOT BRAIN WASHING, CONTACT HIM NOW ON HER EMAIL: ROBINSONBUCKLER@ YAHOO. COM
ooookay so I’ve been dating this guy for over four months now. BEFORE I START MY STORY. im not looking for advice. just advicing you.
so I honestly love being with him. he makes me feel hot and special and wanted and honestly his smile lights up my life. my heart still skips a beat whenever I see him. I still get butterflies when he touches me.
I love him. and he loves me.
recently he’s been starting to be distant. and it’s fine; I let him have his space. until last month he started talking about wanting to break up.
I was very upset. I called my friends and I was crying and all that jazz.
I went to visit one of my friends, who happens to live near the guy. on my way to her house, I ran into my boyfriend. we sat down and talked for a while. he doesn’t know what he wants. I cried. he said that he wants a break because he feels so much pressure to be good at a relationship. he also wonders if sometimes that he might also be happier single. but then he says hes with me and he laughs and he’s happy and he doesn’t know.
so towards the end of the conversation I suggested that if a relationship is like a house, and a lightbulb burns out, we don’t burn the house down. we fix the light bulb.
(prior to this conversation he only saw 2 options- ending it or staying together) he chose ending it, i talked to my friend about it and he gave me a contact email for me to ask for help and i did, in contacted the love doctor and he told me what to do and when i did it, he prayed for me and my biyfriend came back begging me that he was with another woman who did a spell on him that made him leave me annd i should take him back. i had to choice, i had to take him. all thanks to The love doctor who helped me. his email is [email protected] if you have any problem in your marriage or relationship please do well to contact him he is the best.
Please cancel the wedding. What he did over the course of a 3 year relationship will not be resolved between now and the end of the year. More importantly, please get tested. 6 different women is obscene, but even one outside sexual encounter merits getting tested for HIV and other STIs. Good luck.
DON’T GET MARRIED TO HIM. I made the mistake of going thru something similar and after 2yrs counseling, a baby by an ex we divorced…he did not change. He is now with someone engaged for 2 yrs and still messing around tried telling me she doesn’t matter and he wants me back. It’s simple he is very selfish and nowhere near ready for a committed relationship.
Great advice…enough said.
I read your post and the one thing I think we are looking passed all of this is also how you found out, you mention that he told you and he was honest in doing. I think we are also forgetting that as much as infidelity is a crime but we are forgetting that we are asked by the word to forgive those who trespass against us. I have been in a situation exactly like yours, I went on to marry him the next day after his confession and we have been good ever since then.
We also have to look at what it is that caused the infidelity to begin with, after that was dealt with we were back to our usual self just that we survived something that was meant to tear us apart together and for that I will eternally be grateful for being able to forgive him and knowing what it meant to stay and make things work.
I’M HAPPY & A LIVING TESTIMONY COS THE MAN I HAD WANTED TO MARRY LEFT ME 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR WEDDING AND MY LIFE WAS UPSIDE DOWN COS OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN ON FOR 2YEARS… I REALLY LOVED HIM, BUT HIS MOTHER WAS AGAINST US. SO WHEN I MET THIS SPELL CASTER, I TOLD HIM WHAT HAPPENED AND EXPLAINED THE SITUATION OF THINGS TO HIM..AT FIRST I WAS UNDECIDED,SKEPTICAL AND DOUBTFUL, BUT I JUST GAVE IT A TRY. AND IN 3 DAYS WHEN I RETURNED TO MY COUNTRY, MY BOYFRIEND(NOW HUSBAND) CALLED ME BY HIMSELF AND CAME TO ME APOLOGIZING FOR EVERYTHING HIM AND HIS MOTHER HAS DONE TO ME..I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT COS THE SPELL CASTER ONLY ASKED FOR SOME VITAL INFORMATION WHICH I FORWARDED TO HIM…I AM HAPPY TO SAY WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED, IN CASE ANYONE NEED SOME HELP, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS___________________________ ROBINSONBUCKLER@ HOTMAIL. COM…… HOPE HE HELPS YOU OUT,.