Hello Dr. Buckingham,
I am writing today because I am at odds with myself contemplating divorcing my husband of 2 years. I am 26 and he is 37. We have been together on and off since high school, 20+ years, but got married in 2012. We had our first child this past February, which left me with a terrible bout of post partum depression and I’m now a stay home mom. Here is where the problem lies, my husband financially takes care of us but the buck stops there. In his defense, he is an independent contractor and works 7 days a week 365 days a year, graveyard shift so I know that takes a lot from him.
However, there’s more to life and relationships than just working. I do all the cooking, cleaning, care taking, etc.. He also has a 6-year-old daughter, we have 50/50 so that’s another person I’m taking care of. Mind you, these are all things he is capable of doing and has done in the past. I have tried talking to him about it and he always says he is just so tired or he will get to it or that the job takes a lot out of him.
On top of it all, we have not had sex since I was pregnant and my son will be 1 next month. He does not have the motivation or energy to do any responsibilities outside of working. He failed behind with filing his taxes and that worried me because we’ve received lots of notices. His daughter has some health issues that he needs to address, but claims he does not have the time. I feel bad because a lot of these are traits he has always had so I knew what I was getting, however I can no longer live like this. I do not feel like I can rely on him for stability. I don’t feel secure as far as depending on my spouse for stability due to his irresponsible nature. I feel undesired and unappreciated in my marriage and now with the baby it seems my husband and I are becoming distant. I feel like we are roommates at this point. We are still friendly, cuddle and kiss, but there is just no real intimacy or romance. Is My Marriage Fixable or Have We Grown to Far Apart?
Thanks,
Mrs. Contemplating Divorce
Dear Mrs. Contemplating Divorce,
To answer your question, “Is My Marriage Fixable or Have We Grown to Far Apart?” No your marriage is not fixable, but it is salvageable. I am playing with words because words drive behavior. When people look to fix their spouse or marriage, they look for concrete and failure proof solutions. The truth is this; no person or marriage can be fixed. However, individuals can grow and relationships can be savaged. Let me explain how.
Most of your complaints are about your husband’s self-centeredness and inability to meet your needs and those of his children. You want him to appreciate, value and be intimate with you while being more responsible and bringing home the bacon. This is normal, but I am wondering how you express your needs and cope with your disappointment.
Do you embrace the role you play in your marital distress? You mentioned a list of things that you do to make your household and marriage run smoothly. All of these things are noteworthy, but your husband may not feel attracted to you because he is aware of your dissatisfaction and unhappiness with him. By now you are probably thinking, this is about my husband, not me.
Your marital distress has everything to do with you. You stated that you knew what you were getting into when you married your husband. I am wondering if you thought that your husband would change if you did all of the right things to show him that you were the right woman for him. I am not attacking or blaming you for your husband’s behavior, but I am encouraging you to examine your expectations and with the hope that you might see how they might contribute to your marital unhappiness. I am not suggesting that you remain unhappy and lower your expectations. However, I am suggesting that you explore them to determine if they are realistic. You can expect your husband to be more responsible and nurturing, but if he does not have the proper tools, it will not happen.
Realistically speaking, what is the likely hood that your husband will change? It is probably not likely. However, the good news is that he can grow. If he is willing to seek help, he can learn how to become more responsible and nurturing. Growth does not develop with love alone or naturally over time, it develops through increased knowledge, insight and practice. For this reason, I highly recommend that your husband and you seek professional help.
You and your husband have not grown too far apart if you both are willing to develop the right level of intimacy. Your marital problems did not begin when you said I do. Unfortunately, they were already in the making. Work to develop a “We” versus “Me” perspective in your marriage and you can experience the marital bliss that you long for. Do not get stuck in believing that things will not change. Speak with your husband about making a plan to enhance your relationship. If you need assistance, I am available for coaching.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.