This next requirement is hopelessly obvious, but a family man needs a breadwinner’s job. Most men define themselves primarily as being providers. And most women want a man who is gainfully employed. As one wit noted, nobody would have called the Good Samaritan good if he hadn’t had any money to help out. Sadly, today’s economic world is precarious, especially for what is traditionally regarded as men’s work. The Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that in January 2013, the unemployment rate for manufacturing jobs which employs a lot of men, was 7.9% while the education and health services sector, which employs a lot of women, had a lower rate of 5.4%. Some analysts connect rising unemployment to declining marriage. The Pew Research Center notes that for the first time, there are more young adults in the 25-34 year old range who are unmarried than married, a pattern that increased since the recession.
A lot of people don’t marry until they feel economically secure – and with jobs eliminated by overseas outsourcing or digital technology, that economic security may never come – meaning that a lot of adults never marry, and children never get the “Daddy-what-is-the-biggest-number?” moments.
Finally, a parent needs time. Those who do have jobs have found that eight-hour shifts have become 24/7 leashes. Thanks to technology, we are on-call by the job at all times and in all places. My father is now retired, but when he was working as the clinical manager of a ward of severely ill men at a psychiatric hospital, he came home every day by 6:00 p.m. Although he did receive occasional calls at home, those calls were usually for genuinely urgent matters. That is in contrast to the hourly email check-ins and ceaseless cell phone calls that are routine in many jobs. When you aren’t always thinking about the job, you have time and space to think about other priorities, like family.
Experts and ordinary folks alike recognize the value of a father in the lives of young children, but I can attest that it improves the quality of life for adult children. I pride myself on being able to pay my own bills, but it’s good to know that I have a financial back-up. I have loved and lost the love of more than a couple of men, but I know there’s one man’s love that is rock steady. The ability to complete a college education, choose the right spouse or escape from the wrong one, pull together the deposit on an apartment, have someone to counsel you that doesn’t have to be pre-approved by your insurance plan or face any of the other vicissitudes of adulthood can be eased by having a father in your corner.
The adult world my father entered into in the fifties had most of the afore-mentioned conditions in place to support his desire to be a caring father. That’s not to say the ‘good old days’ were without problems: racial segregation, limited rights for women, communism vs. capitalism, the Cold War. And so, today, we have our own set of challenges. One is to make sure that as society changes, we make progress without discounting the things from the past that have value. It would be a mistake to think that like rotary phones, doo-wop music and love letters written in cursive, a conventional father is a quaint custom that contemporary families have outgrown. A person can be reared by a single mother, a gay couple, or in an orphanage and still grow up fine. One of the remarkable things about human beings is that we are adaptable. But every time I hear someone say to me, “I wish I had grown up with a father… “ I know that the blessings that come from having a good dad number into infinity.
Joy Jones is a Washington, DC writer who often writes about the nuance and complexity of relationships and culture. She wrote the provocative Washington Post op-ed, “Marriage is for White People.” Joy is the author of several books: Between Black Women: Listening With The Third Ear, about male-female relationships;Tambourine Moon, a children’s title which was featured on The Bernie Mac Show; and Private Lessons: A Book of Meditations for Teachers. In addition to writing, Joy is a popular and dynamic speaker and storyteller. Subscribe to her newsletter by emailing [email protected]. Or pay a visit at www.JoyJonesOnline.com.
AWESOME READ!!!
As a husband & father who’s raising a child with Autism, this article NAILED IT…big time encouraging to see the value it placed on having the father in the home.
It reminds me of how EXTREMELY fortunate my wife and I have been to have the union of our parents as models. My parents have been married for 48 years, my wife’s parents, 41….that’s 89 combined years of wisdom to glean. The strength our fathers had to endure (African American men trying to lead their homes at a time when our country was so racially divided) is fuel for me to embrace and overcome the challenges we face today.
Thanks again for the encouragement…
Wow, Joy! You never cease to amaze me with your ability to see things from so many different angles. This article is just another example of how versatile a writer you are.
From one who had a father until the tender age of 12, I can tell you what a devastating effect it is for an adolescent and young adult female to not have an unbiased male perspective on a range of issues; especially male female relationships. I yearned to have a safe haven for having my questions and concerns addressed by a male with whom I could feel safe and could trust. Though I have extremely fond memories of Dad, I missed him then and still miss him now.
Excellent article!! I hear from wives daily about how their relationship or lack of a relationship with their dad is currently affecting their marriage.
So glad to see something written for Father’s Day because fathers do matter. My dad ROCKS!!
“So why did you get married?” I asked.
“Because I wanted to have children.”
That’s sad. He didn’t say that he loved his soon to be wife. He had a need to impregnate someone, and decided she would do, that she’d be the one to have the babies. Nothing noble here, his wife was an egg donor incubator.
o_O
“because I love her” might have been the response to “why did you marry HER?” it’s a valid and noble reason to marry in order to have kids, both then and now.
Wow you really made that comment smh
Btw that
was to the original comment about not mentioning love
We often say it, but don’t really realize the gravity of just how important fathers are ESPECIALLY for girls who eventually grow into women. So many women of color grow up without fathers and we wonder why so many of us go looking for love in the wrong places. We have issues with teenage pregnancy and suffer the most financially. It affects us our whole lives and in turn, we create the same situation for our children. Not enough men know the power they hold. If they did, maybe they’d take the responsibility more seriously. Though, someone has to teach them too. Excellent article.
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Great article to highlight the importance of having a father in the home and a driving force in kids lives. Most boys are missing out on the first man they get to pattern their life after and teach them how to be a man. Girls miss the first man that will love them unconditionally and show them what a man really is. Plus, the man is the leader and head of the household that provide things that a woman can’t provide. Unfortunately, too many women are brain washed into thinking they are doing a good job in raising these kids without a man but most are not. Little boys dropping out of school and going to jail, teenage pregnancy, little structure in the home or discipline, direction of the family, and etc. is at an all time high without the father. A father is not a want but a need in a families life. Without the father, families will become extinct.
Disagree completely. That is absolutely no reason to marry. The best gift a father can give his children is to love their mother. Marriage is a covenant before God to forsake all others. If the goal of marriage is to prioritize children, it’s wrong from day one. That said, yes when a married couple have children, the presence and influence of both parents is vital.
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