by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Perhaps it’s just me but it seems that the number of male experts on why women are unsuccessful in relationships is increasing rapidly. On any given day I can turn on the radio, walk through a book store or even cut on the television and see or hear something along the lines of “ladies this is why you can’t get/keep a man” written or spoken by a man who has somehow tapped into every section of the female mind. I know many women who follow this advice religiously, taking notes and applying it to their own relationships (or relationship pursuits).
As someone who is always open to new information and good advice, I have no problem with hearing different messages, whether or not I agree with the content. However I do have a problem with the number of men who now feel qualified to tell women that the relationship “problem” is somehow all our problem. My biggest issue is this:
If the failed relationships that we are discussing are between men and women, and if women are dealing with these bad relationships on a regular basis, then wouldn’t it be fair to assume that men are having just as much relationship success (or lack thereof) as women? It takes two to build a healthy relationship and, in most cases, it takes two to tear it apart. If women need so much help in relationships, which we seem to be getting whether we want it or not, who is helping the men?
In fact outside of the great male contributors that we have on this website, I see very little advice, especially in the African-American community, directed toward men about how to become better partners and spouses. Most of the advice about successful communication, choosing the right mate, keeping your love life exciting etc., targets women. Maybe it’s just the circles that I hang out in, but I know quite a few men who have had their share of bad relationships. The difference that I’ve come to realize is that when a man is in a bad relationship, the relationship went bad because of what she did wrong. If a woman is in a bad relationship, the relationship went bad because of what she did wrong. If a woman cheats, it’s because she was a bad woman. If a man cheats, it’s because the woman wasn’t doing something to keep her man from cheating. The burden of the success or failure of the relationship falls solely on the shoulders of the woman, and I think that is too heavy of a burden for us to keep holding up alone.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter wrote a great post the other day about male leadership in a marriage that got a wide range of responses. In my opinion, one of the reasons why less men are willing to step into that leadership role and less women are willing to step away from it is the fact a lot of men are not being raised to be household leaders, and often because of this type of thinking. A leader does not enjoy the benefits of leadership and then step back and point the finger when problems arise. A leader holds himself accountable for his actions and his mistakes. I think that if more of these men focused on coaching men to be better partners instead of charging women with all of the responsibility for success we might be a whole lot better off.
Why is so much of today’s relationship advice for women? Do women naturally incur more responsibility for relationship success?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.