[tps_header]It’s the holiday season. It would be great to go to a friend’s holiday or New Year’s party with your wife. But then you think about the antisocial, disconnected mug that will be plastered on your wife’s face and how it will only make the whole situation awkward. You’ll likely then find yourself trying to explain away your wife’s antisocial attitude…again.
So you ponder…should I go by yourself and have fun without her, in which you live out your dual personality…the one when she’s around and the one when she’s not. Or should I stay home, which will make me highly frustrated and resent her?
It sucks to have friends that don’t get along with your wife.
Before I got married, I expected my wife, BerNadette (Bernie), to fully embrace my group of friends. But Bernie is an introvert. I’m an extrovert. And so were all of my friends. So the disconnect was merely a personality difference. And nothing I could say or do seemed to change it.
But some disconnects aren’t personality based. They’re behaviorally based. Some wives genuinely can’t stand their husband’s friends because they were the ones that used to lie for him, get him into trouble or were/are negatives influence on him. Or, there could be friends who just have personalities that seem to clash with your wife—no matter how hard you try to keep the peace.
But what should a husband do?
Here are six things a husband who wants to stay happily married must do when struggling with this dilemma.[/tps_header]
1. Stop defending your friend’s over your wife
If God is truly doing a new thing in your life, then the old must pass away. By defending your friends’ cause against your wife, it’s making her feel like you are allying with your friends against her…like she’s y’all’s common enemy. You can’t build a happy marriage when your wife feels like you and your friends are all ganging up against her.
You can’t control people’s affections. If she doesn’t like them, you can’t argue her into liking them. So stop trying. You’re wasting your time (and probably making her dislike that friend even more).
3. Try to understand why
Even if your wife is completely off-base in her perception about your friends, try to truly understand the reasons why she’s not feeling them. You don’t have to agree with her. But at least fully understand why…to the point where you can successfully explain her reasoning back to her.
After all the arguing and fussing about your friends, it’s ultimately going to come to a point where you have to make a decision: am I going to choose my family or my friends? Depending on what’s going on in your marriage, this might not be an easy decision. But ultimately you will have to “choose you this day whom ye” will ride or die with. BTW…true friends will never put you in the position to where you have to choose them over your family.
When two people come together, they bring two different people’s lives, beliefs and experiences into a new entity called a marriage. My wife and I call our entity ‘The Wiggins Household.’ The Wiggins Household is not predominantly my way or her way. All our decisions and actions are done in the best interest of the security and happiness of The Wiggins Household. Likewise, name your new entity and come together to define what’s best for its security and happiness.
Your new entity must also find new friends (together). That’s how the entity matures socially. Not by forcing your wife to hang out with your existing friends, and vice versa. But by the entity finding and developing strong relationships with new friends that support the security and happiness of your entity as well as their own.
[tps_footer]BMWK, if the two don’t get along, do you think husbands should be forced to choose their friends or their wife?[/tps_footer]