By Eric Payne
A friend of mine recently got engaged to the love of her life. As she shared the details of the proposal with me I couldn’t help but think: But they only met three or four months ago. I’ve wished them both well and definitely believe they have their heads screwed on straight, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t initially concerned for my friend. But then I began to think about it. They’re both close in age. They’re in their thirties and they both are certain they have no need to look any further. So why drag out a relationship? I can’t disagree with the logic, even if the newness of their love is the major motivating factor behind it. But shouldn’t love play this role versus all the other stuff that men and women put between them? In my own case I knew my wife was the one for me, but I didn’t know if I was the one for marriage. In my pursuit to be sure (this included everything from managing my own insecurities to witnessing several friends’ divorces) it took me seven years to say, “I do” and I picked up a baby girl along the way. Hindsight is 20/20 but I don’t regret my path. Nor do I envy the one my friend is currently embarking on. I applaud her for finding and acting quickly on love.
There are no rules when it comes to falling in love, but is there such a thing as falling in love and jumping the broom too soon? When considering marriage should a man and a woman be certain, or is it more romantic to take the plunge, feet-first?
Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.
Don’t be fooled. Marriage is more than just about the “feeling” of love. Its more about committment and love actions (not just butterflys in your stomach and holding hands). So as long as you both know what love is then whats the point in waiting if you’ve decided that this is who you want to love?
Here is the list that 1 Corinthians 13 gives about what real love is-those love actions I was talking about…
Love is:
1. long-suffering (patiant)
2. kind
3. doesn’t envy (jealous)
4. doesn’t boast
5. Is not proud
6.does not behave unseemly (rude)
7.doesn’t seek its own (selfish)
8. is not easily provoked (quick-tempered)
9. thinks no evil (doesn’t keep a record or others wrong-doing)
10. doesn’t rejoie in iniquity
11. rejoices in truth
12. bears all things (supportive)
13. believes all things (loyal)
14. hopes all things
15. endures all things
Thats quite a list but as long as you and your partner are striving to do those things then congratulations are in order!
Yeah . . . what LaKeysha said (-:
Loris last blog post..
what lakeysha said. that is all. LOL
I HAVE to agree also!
You can’t put a timeframe on that REAL love, you have to listen to God, and do what you must-
I’m a romantic. Length of time doesn’t matter. It’s all in the strength of the commitment.
Nelias last blog post..Nelia’s Rebuttal : The 30 Day "Journal Your Relationship" Challenge
Yes, I do agree LaKeysha too.
My husband and I got engaged at 29 after 4 months of dating. 14 months after that we were married… and 1 Corinthians 13 was one of the passages read at our wedding.
I never would have figured myself as someone to make a decision about something of that magnitude so quickly, but I’ve never regretted it. 🙂 If your friend knows herself and her fiance knows himself, I don’t think they will either. Oh, and I guess I don’t think getting engaged quickly is about romance (most people will think you are crazy, not romantic), but rather about knowing who you are and being ready for that commitment when you meet the right person.
I agree with the overall sentiment. You can’t put a timeframe on love. The thing is, marriage is about so much more than just love. Compatibility is HUGE! Also, people are really good at putting their best foot forward while they are still dating. Some people are really good daters. They know how to say all the right things. They can make all the right moves on cue. It almost makes you say, “Wow, I can’t believe s(h)e is not with anyone!” There is usually a reason for that. The longer you date someone the more authentic the picture of them becomes. It would behoove anyone to REALLY get to know the person they plan to spend the rest of their lives with.
I am not trying to be cynical. But we all have baggage and issues in our past. It would be nice to know certain things about the other person before walking down the aisle. It is not so you can scratch them off the list, so to speak. But if my wife-to-be was abused as a child I need to know that. Chances are it will rear its ugly head down the line. If I am a compulsive spender with no financial discipline she needs to know that ahead of time. These things can not only cause strife they can kill the marriage if they are not dealt with properly. They can kill the marriage if the people involved are not prepared to deal with them.
I am not saying these kinds of things cannot come out in five months of dating. Its just not very likely. It depends a lot on peoples objective when they go out on the dating scene. Looking for a potential lifetime partner and dating for fun are two very different things. But I am getting ahead of myself. I guess my point is marriage is the process of two people coming together to act as one. That process becomes a lot harder when the two people involved don’t know enough about each other. No amount of attraction or infatuation will change that. Time getting to know one another is usually the equalizing factor.
wow…that’s a good, wise, BALANCED viewpoint, t. rogers. i agree with you and lakeysha both wholeheartedly.
Respect is due to Ms. Lakeysha. I think the first article I ever read on this site said when two people first meet they reveal much about themselve. So if people pay attention they would know if they can build a future together. Many just waste time trying to pursue something when the signs may or may not be there. If a couple willing to do as 1 Corinthians 13 (Thank you-Ms.Lakeysha)time is but a thought.
Its always advisable to date for a longer period to get to know each other but true love can also happen in a short time frame leading to lasting marriages. It all depends on how well the couple know each other and how compatible they are on issues such as communication, conflict resolution, financial management, sexual expectations, dealing with families, spiritual beliefs/lack of, relationship roles and ability to play together etc.
Relationship Educations last blog post..How We Handle Conflict Determines Relationship Survival
i have to agree with t. rogers.
i do believe that 2 people can meet and fall in “love” instantaneously.
(and lets be clear…when we are talking about “love” in this manner we are not talking about the universal love of mankind and the spirit that connects us with all things on the planet….that kind of love is indifferent…it is both ugly and beautiful at the same time….creative and destructive depending on perspective…it continues with or without us…it is all powerful and sublime……..no..when we speak of “love” in this context….we are talking about a certain type of attachment that is unique to human beings….it ebbs and flows depending…it is something that can be fairly easy to attain and even harder to maintain.)
however:
the institution of marriage for human beings did not begin with love in mind. it was for practicalitys sake. 2 people coming together to make survival easier.
time unfolded. traditions became dated. religion castigated sexuality. modernity allowed individuals to become more independent. and mass media propragated “hollywood” love.
and now we “date”.
now.
lets be real about dating.
When 2 people begin dating…they are not really dating each other….their ambassadors are dating each other. the ambassador because of his/her loyalty to his/her country and president…will always represent his/her country in the best possible light. sure…in the first 6months…youll think you have found out alot about the country….like there are 50 states (or are there 51?)…what the flag looks like…the national anthem…the economic policy…sure maybe it sparked off some wars in the past…but it was a younger country back then…..
you will never fully understand the dynamic between the citizens and the elected officials…and your ambassador will never get to meet the president in this first 6 months.
2nd 6 months:
your ambassadors are invited to a couple of presidential galas….if he/she is lucky he/she will get to shake the presidents hand…but most likely not….more likely that the ambassador correspond with him/her through confidential letters and such….you are taken more seriously and invited to some summits and meetings….conflict will come up….on the advice of the president the ambassador will either smooth it out or say fuck it…
3rd 6 months:
if youve made it into the 3rd 6 months its because the 2 ambassadors have smoothed out conflict in a way that was acceptable to each others respective country. so now you have moved past the ambassador and your top aide is really chummy with the presidents top aide. but you still have not had a face to face meeting nor relationship with the president. youve shaken his/her hand a couple of times you know what each other looks like. the aide communicates more intimately with your aide and takes your aide on a personal tour of country. through the eyes of your trusted aide you get to see what the poorest of the poor looks like and the richest of the rich..if you are observant…you see and begin to understand how multifaceted the country is…the bickering of the lawmakers…the beauty of the countryside….you have some decisions to make…..
4th 6 months:
if you make it into the 4th 6 months and are over the age of say..27…your secretary is cool with the presidents secretary and they are busy scheduling a meeting for you 2 to finally meet.
this is the average dating cycle…it can happen a little faster or slower depending…..a mentor told me this theory a long time ago and i found it to be funny and true for the most part…..
with all that said…life is short…why not get married as long as both people really want it and there is not pressure from either side…?……as long as the motivations dont include “im 30+ its time to get married so i can really feel like an adult” or “im bored what else am i going to do” or “im 30+ i need to have some kids soon”..or…”she IS my baby mama i guess ill make her happy”…..
(unfortunately alot people have the above motivations for getting married…although they will never admit it)
..if it doesnt work out there are a billion other people on the planet to try it again with.
one just has to be prepared for the aftermath…..but life will move on and hopefully lessons will be learned.
one last caveat….the couples whos relationships i admire are the people who arent necessarily concerned with rushing into the institution of marriage….but people who have “grown up” together because of the relationship and not only are they visibly “in love” and obviously compatible…but they are on the same page and support each other emotionally, spiritually, physically, and professionally…and are on the same page with how to conduct everyday life in the household and financially..and they have GREAT communication…they admit that there were rough times…and were very clear to know when attachment was guiding a decision or something greater……these people on their own are nearly complete evolved individuals and because of the work they do on themselves..together as couples they are powerful…and its inspiring.
the relationship i am in now…neither of us are complete…but we were both working towards this before we met as individuals…and we are both still on the path….i can recognize this actively in my partner and it inspires me to want to be a better person…..the first 6 months….we were madly in love…we would day dream about our wedding day…..we decided from month 2 that there was no holding back and that we would be completely transparent in how we felt about each other…….the second 6 months….i learned the core things about him in that hes is very spiritually rooted and mature which made me really admire him….the second half of the 2nd 6 months into the 3rd six months….things calmed down and “real” life kicked back in….we had to deal with conflict and tests….and i really got to know how my partner handles practical issues during this time….questions arose…and we both had to really start to learn each others ways and compromise….i was ready to give up many times…honestly…because i just didnt want to work at anything….whoever said love and relationships shouldnt be hard and should be easy doesnt know what they are talking about and is most likely sleepwalking to deal with their own issues…….i had to learn how to be open to the many ways to handle life decisions and i learned how to be patient and forgiving from his example……now we are in the 3rd 6months…going into the 4th…he wants marriage….i am still dealing with questions of balancing my independence and professional life and making decisions for myself with the wants and needs of another person (who i love deeply) in mind….so the compromise is that we will move in together…although i travel alot for my career…i will make his home my base….and well see how it goes…….
ultimately i want a “partner” to grow with and be a witness to his life and he to mine and for practical reasons…someone to make the journey of life a little more enjoyable..to walk with a person whose path is parallel to mine and be able to truly appreciate it for as long as we can before out paths fork………i dont believe in the dated paradigm of “the (hollywood) husband”.
whether my boyfriend now will turnout to be this “partner”…remains to be seen….and that uncertainty is fine right now because i dont feel a rush to come to a conclusion…what i do know is that i am glad to have met him…i am glad to know him and feel lucky to love and be loved….and i have definitely learned more and am still learning about myself and the world through this particular relationship.
whew….that was a post-full.
@mary ellen pleasant- welcome to the site. You are officially family on the site because that is officially the longest comment we’ve ever had. I haven’t even read it yet but I can tell by how long it took for me to scroll down. lol
time truth an maturity-knowing themselves-of both parties is the ONLY way this fast love can run smoothly. my marriage is so challenging i cant help but wonder if we shouldve given ourselves more time: exclusive after 9 days engaged @ 3 months married @ 8 mos. Our baby has just turned 2 and august marks four years of marriage but we are a poor example of what a marriage should be in my opinion. Cant harp on our past too much though because my daughter is a true blessing.
@lamar
yeah…the post was longer than the article….
:P.
thanks for the space to get out thoughts….have been a phantom to the site for a while….
this particular issue is really taking up a lot of space in my life.
as you could probably tell….
mary ellen pleasants last blog post..Heart Evangelista
@rcherie – Thanks for sharing your situation but I found something interesting in what you said – about being a good example. As a women getting married in 5 mos. I have found that I don’t want or need an example of a “good or bad” marriage anymore because as the days go own it’s impossible to model what marriage is really supposed to be like. Aside from the obvious like a non-violent, respectable union, I am going to strive to have the best marriage myself and Mike can have…not try to immulate others. I think it’s impossible to look at another couple and say I wish that way or this way, because we are all uniquely made. And when we get caught up in striving for a “model” existence then that’s when relationships become disappointing. I value my fiance for being himself. I am learning more and more each day to cherish him as a unique individual. For so long I’ve found myself being unhappy about certain ways he wasn’t “measuring” up to what I felt he was supposed to be, how he was supposed to treat me when I needed to focus on our unique existence as future spouses. I hope I am making sense but I no longer run to my friends or family with problems so quickly, or look at other men’s actions with envy wishing my man did certain things they did….because you never know what else that man is doing behind closed doors.
So all I am saying is focus on being perfect for each other, rather than being shining examples…because none of us have anything to prove to anyone else. We are obligated only to Lord, our spouses (if you have one) and ourselves. This new found joy has made me fall in love all over again….and I hope this new mentality will help you too 🙂
There is no time frame on love.
My husband and I met in April 2007 and the night we met I felt this jolt as we passed through the doors of this party. (He was taking me to the bar to get me a glass of wine)
We married in July 2007.
I wouldn’t change it for the world. Even though some may still consider us in the “honeymoon” stage, we still face the same problems the other couples face who’ve been together longer.
The best part about it all when I look back over these last 2 years is that positive changes have been made. I know he loves me and I love him. We’re constantly growing. And the one thing he promised me that he has been keeping up with, is that he always dates me.
Prayerfully, I’ll be able to come back in 10 years and tell you it’s still going just as strong as it was when we first met. Yes, it was a quick “thing” to get into, but it has so been worth it. Some people are shocked when they find out how soon we married, but I’m still shocked when I meet couples who have been together for years and still don’t know one another or are still afraid to make that commitment. I’m even more shocked when that couple finally marries and it’s over in a year!
True love is still out here, alive and well with no time frame on it.
@Jonesi-
Thankx for your insight. i definitely agree with your point of not comparing you marriage to others, especially since we dont know whats goin on behind closed doors in those marriages..in fact i seem to be a bit of a go-to confidant for some of my friends when it has gone wrong so ive heard the horror! Im mainly thinking of my daughter when im wishing we were a better example..and reminiscing on what we used to be. Im very grateful for the man that I have: a provider (financially)and a conscious father..but thats seems to be all he is these days. we’re disconnected to put it lightly…