Interesting quote huh? That’s exactly what I thought as I overheard a man make this comment recently. As I waited in line to purchase lunch, I stood behind this person and listened to the conversation he and the restaurant owner shared as he placed his order. The owner initiated the dialogue and asked the man if he was married, to which he firmly replied, “Naw not me! Marriage is like a funeral to me” and their talk ended as they both shared a hearty laugh. Of course I wanted to jump right in and ask for clarification, but I thought better and kept my mouth shut.
However, I did think to myself how strong those words were. “Like a funeral, wow”. Do some people really view marriage this way? I wonder what this particular individual assumes actually transpires during a marriage. Unfortunately he isn’t the only one with this point of view. What do they believe happens once a person gets married; loss of freedom, more responsibility, dissolution of self?
I am sure the negative statements certain married folks make about their relationships are not helping. In fact, they appear to be doing a real number on some single individuals. They are believing the hype; that healthy unions don’t occur and happiness and marriage can’t coexist.
It’s true marriage isn’t for everyone. But for the people who are purposely avoiding it because of what they heard or what they think will be lost, I feel sorry for those individuals. Especially if they have a partner in their life who is worth marrying.
Even before I was married, I knew that I wanted to be a wife. I realize that may be a truer statement for more women than men. But I knew I wanted to build my life with someone and not be a life long dater or girlfriend with no real sense of commitment or family.
Just hearing that statement above struck a cord with me because I found my marriage to be the exact opposite. I haven’t loss any freedoms. Yes, I have a partner now that I share my whereabouts with but that has not stopped the actual whereabouts. I didn’t need freedom to be with other people because my marriage keeps me satisfied. In regards to the responsibility that comes along with any committed relationship, it is simply part of being an adult; which I wholeheartedly welcome. And losing my self was a non-factor to me in my marriage. In marriage I have been the most free to be who I really am. I don’t have to be pretend or be fake in order to impress my spouse. He is accepting and loving of me. And just knowing that I have someone who truly has my back and supports me no matter what is priceless.
I just hope those who compare marriage to a funeral get the opportunity to experience the real joy that can come from building a healthy life with someone. Marriage can truly be a great beginning and a new life with the person we love.
BMWK — What are your thoughts on the quote above?
Honestly, when I read the title of this article I thought it was going to confirm it in a positive way… I immediately agreed! I am not married, and have never been married, however I know that in any relationship ESPECIALLY a marriage there are many times that you must DIE TO SELF! SELFish thoughts, SELFish desires, SELFish actions, SELFish modes of operation, SELFLESS vs. SELFISH… Being like minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind, in MANY aspects… So I had the impression that the article was going to flip a negative into a positive… Because dying to self, is also known as sacrifice and that is very necessary to maintain ANY relationship, w/God, a marriage, etc!
Although I have heard MANY negative view points on marriage, as a single woman I can not be swayed into taking on their mindsets… I know that WITH GOD ALL things are possible and I don’t plan on doing that (marriage) or anything else without Him at the center! I know it won’t be a “cake walk,” however, I know that He will bless me with someone I don’t mind taking the tough walks with… And on those days where I may struggle to find joy in the matter I know my relationship with Christ will be strengthend even more as I depend on Him to get me through…
Thank ou for sharing.. Always great thought provoking & encouraging 🙂
Loretta, I love your comment. I couldn’t agree more. Well said!
I often hear men refer to marriage as a death of some kind in my circle as well, and in many cases I can’t blame them for seeing it that way. Men and women approach marriage and commitment differently. Women, for the most part, see marriage as a fairy tale (prince charming, happily ever after…etc) whereas a man sees it as an exchange that must take place in order to keep sex and peace consistent in his life ( he usually loses both after the “I do”). Most women don’t lose freedom in marriage. In fact, in many cases, marriage allow women more control, which may be the reason why many are obsessed with the idea. On the other hand, men easily become more like children when they marry. I find it sad when I hear married folks tell a newly married man to “just do what your wife says” or ” women are always right.” No, you’re not always right and things should not always go your way. From my experience, most women who are happy in their marriage usually have a husband who is not.
Wow Girlie Girl, you really broke that down for me. That is an honest outlook and interesting perspective. I think I just got a new article idea. Thanks for your comment.
I definitely agree with you on this. Many men see marriage as a death to the men they were before hand, the freedom that they had before making the commitment. Most women don’t see it as that because we get more flexibility and more control in many cases. I hate that this is the way it’s viewed, especially because marriage is such a beautiful thing, for both men and women!
I agree Briana. I wish more saw it that way or at least entered marriage with that thinking.
most men that think of marriage as death are the men who always have a plan b in place and keep an open mind to other females while married. women usually put all of their eggs in one basket so married to most women is a forever thing. once we say i do we are fully invested and expect a lot in return. To stop all of the confusion that men go through women should treat a long time boyfriend or fiancee the same way that you will when he becomes your husband. Im not saying be Broom Hilda or anything like that. Love has requirements,commitments, give and take, understanding and compromise to say just a few. Women love harder and deeper than men. Honest conversations would eliminate a lot of misunderstandings in marriages.
I was just thinking of what people say to a couple who just got engaged, the conversation usually congragulates them then quickly turns to the man and reminds him of what he is in for or what he is giving up (in a joking manner). I think that most women don’t understand why men view marraige as giving up something rather than gaining something. In a lot of marraiges the women enters the marraige thinking that they will bond and share experiences as they grow together. But what usually happens is the marraige falls short of the dream and things quickly turn to resentment and frustration for the wife. Then the women tells her husband “we need to talk” (which is the equivalent of driving a stake through his heart), then the man goes in to one of several defensive modes (shutdown, deflect, become aggressive) and then the couple goes on a ride that that repeats itself over and over until one of them decides to give up and start divorce proceedings. I think part of the problem is society and the counseling community does a great job of repetitivly driving home what a woman needs in a relationship but does a horrible job of identifying what a mans true needs are in a relationship and what steps a wife can take to keep her husband from feeling like a failure and shutting down.
Thank you Cornelius, I so appreciate your comment. I would love if you could share a few of the things or help us identify what a man really needs.
Great website Tiya! I’ve taken interest in this subject because I’m about to get remarried and want to get it right this time. I fully concur with what Cornelius said. To answer you question about what men need, I’d like to answer that question because I think 99% of men would agree. The number one thing we need is to be respected. Not in the since that a king or boss needs to be respected but in the sense a human worthy of respect needs to be respected. Many married women, unwittingly for the most part, disrespect their husbands by speaking to them as though they are little boys, emasculating them publically by calling them out amoung friends or family or saying mean things in anger and not expecting damaging consequences. Respect for a man simply means speaking to him and behaving towards him the way you would like to be spoken to and behaved towards. I don’t know why, but many many women simply believe, it’s not necessary to take a man’s feelings about how she treats him, under consideration.
Thank you Bernard. Well said and that isn’t too much to ask or expect.