by Nathaniel A. Turner
America seems to be obsessed with relationships. Single and dating? Think you want to be married? Are you married? Are you happily married? Do you no longer want to be married? Are you divorced? Think you are ready to start dating again? Think you want to remarry? These type of questions and the messages that accompany the queries inundate nearly every aspect of our lives.
Rather than responding and reacting to the queries so quickly like food being prepared in a microwave – joining online dating services, getting marital counseling from a reality TV show or subscribing to advice of some self-proclaimed relationship expert – I believe our society would be better off if we just took a breath, stepped back and thought long and hard before answering. The uncomfortable truth is that the majority of the people who think they want to be married are – to put it mildly – unprepared to do so. Even more disturbing is that the majority of us who have experienced all the pomp & circumstance and capitalistic materialism of American wedding day bliss remain ill-prepared and unequipped to be married.
Who Do You Think You Are?
Now I’m sure when you read the words – ill prepared and unprepared – from the previous paragraph you might think that I am being harsh or unfair. You might have even thought out loud something like “who does he think he is”, “the nerve of him” or some similar maybe even less polite retort.
Before succumbing to your emotional instincts that want to lash out at me and then share some anecdotal story about how you or someone you know has the greatest marriage that has ever existed, you should know that I don’t consider myself an exception to the “ill prepared and unprepared” categorization. You should know that I’m a husband (who has contemplated divorce), brother (to a single sister), son (of divorced parents) and father (raised to believe staying was better than leaving no matter what).
I’m a self-admitted flawed, unquestionably imperfect man who has for nearly twenty years attempted each day to figure out life as a married man, life’s meaning as a father and my place in the world. I’m a man who recognizes the value of family and has experienced first-hand the negative effects bad marriages and dysfunctional families can have on children and the much larger community.
This is my background and my foundation for the belief that Americans do not comprehend and are incompetent when it comes to relationships, marriages and families. As I am not Mr. Roarke and Tattoo will not be yelling “the plane, the plane” as if to welcome you to Fantasy Island, I’m simply going to share with you my honest thoughts and authentic facts about marriage.
Coming to America
I will leave fiction, fairy tale and emotional nonsense to the online dating services, (un)reality TV and self-professed relationship experts. Relationships and marriages are hard enough without indulging in imaginary tales and theatrics.
One would think with all the self-help books, relationship experts, romantic movies and online dating services that everyone would be Happily Ever After. And while I readily concede that you may know a few people who have good even great marriages, regrettably there are but a few Prince Akeems and Lisa McDowells amongst us.
The non-fictional quantitative realities about the institution of marriage in America suggests – unlike the happy couple living in Zamunda – more often or not Americans are Unhappily Now and Forever. This despondent norm is transmitted throughout the American highways and byways, hills and mountainsides by the reality that most Americans enter relationships and marriages unknowingly infected carriers of the diseases of delusion, imprudence and naivety.
3 Years 36,000 Miles
So as hard as it might be for you to stomach, you must acknowledge that America wrapped in all its “faith and traditions” continues to watch idly as one of Her self-professed “most important” institutions crumbles. In less than three years and 36,000 miles, the average American couple is not only in the market for a new car but in that same time frame, a disproportionate number of those strands which make up the fabric of America are no longer enamored with their spouse and have started to give serious consideration to working on a deal to trade in the “old model”. In less time than it takes the average car lease to expire, we are contemplating exiting marriages the same way we entered them if not more delusional, misguided and untrained than when we said I do.
You Can’t Handle the Truth
Now aren’t you glad that you didn’t let your emotions take over? Aren’t you glad that I’m sharing the truth with you? My mother always says that the truth shall set you free. My question to you as was posed not by my mother but rather by Col. Jessep in the 1992 classic, A Few Good Men, can you handle the truth?
The truth is that America continues to waste time and taxpayer money with recent and continuous debates over whether marriage should be reserved for heterosexuals or if homosexual couples should qualify for Government benefits. The truth is that more marriages are ending before “until death do us part” and fewer people are choosing to “take the as thy lawful wedded spouse” than ever before in modern history. The institution of marriage is vanishing and the truth is that America should instead be debating why this “sacred” Institution is dying and decaying. The truth is that we should be trying to devise a plan to determine what if anything can or should be done to save it.
You Want Answers
If you can handle the truth and want answers, I have answers. If it is not yet clear, I will make it crystal clear for you. The institution of marriage is on life support because the participants have no idea what they are agreeing to or how to fulfill the agreement. While we are on the subject of truth, you should know that the time, consideration and contemplation of marriage has almost been reduced to the simplicity of downloading a new software program or application.
There’s An App For That
Reflect for a moment on the last time that you downloaded a program for your computer or installed a new application for your phone or tablet. You probably chose a program or an application that appealed to you – something that you anticipated would serve your immediate needs.
Shortly after you did a minimal amount of research – if you even bothered to do any research – you pressed the link that says download. After that link was pressed, a message appeared asking if you agreed to be bound to all the rules and regulations outlined by the software manufacturer. Without reviewing the fine print or reading any of the details, you scrolled to the bottom of the screen, put a check in the “accept” box and hit “continue”.
Who has time to read the fine print, right? Who cares about details when all you want to do is use the software, application or in marital terms get to the “good part”. Trust me, I get it. I have a law degree and I’m as guilty as anyone when it comes to reading the details and fine print. I should know better yet I don’t bother to read that stuff either because like you I want to get to the “good part”.
In the same way that you and I download software, too many people approach marriage this way. We see someone whom we think is attractive, intelligent, interesting and without doing any research possessing only minimal details about who they are, we declare this person to be our “soul mate” and harmoniously concede that they are the person with whom we shall spend the remainder of our life.
Like the downloaded software, there are lots of details, a litany of things one should know, understand and consider before getting to the “good part”. The financial acumen, family history, mental and emotional health, commitment to long-term physical health, sexual proclivity, parenting preparation of your betrothed are but a few of the relevant details you should know, consider and understand before you jump to the “good part”. Regrettably, Americans have no time for details and we wind up with someone that doesn’t fit our long term needs or we find that we are not a suitable companion for our “soul mate’s” long term needs.
Uninstall the Program
Like the software that we have installed on our phone, tablets and computers, we have become willing to spend our life with our proclaimed “soul mate” only until we are no longer at the “good part”. At which time, we want to do as we do with any undesirable, outdated or useless software – select an updated version or hit the “remove” or “delete” button.
While we may be able to remove our once pronounced “soul mate” from our life, unlike the software that we have downloaded and installed, there is no uninstall button that we can push that will make things like they were before we were introduced and entered a relationship with our announced “soul mate”. Unlike the phone, tablet or computer our lives, the lives of our ousted “soul mate” and our now combined families can’t immediately function like the technological software.
Since there is no installation that allows us to act as if we had a defective product that can simply be installed with a new and improved version, Americans might want to give greater thought to studying the fine print and paying attention to the details. If marriage is truly seen and valued as the social structure that upholds our American way of life, the politicians, proponents and participants of marriage had better become educated about what marriage requires and make sure that all parties get the necessary training.
Otherwise, marriage may very soon find itself like other U.S. societal staples (yellow pages, newspapers, classified ads, Blockbuster, the milkman, Myspace and VCRS) extinct.
Nathaniel A. Turner, J.D. blogs at The Raising Supaman Project, a dad blog for children of all ages. Nate shares thought-provoking, educational and entertaining ways to raise children who will maximize their God-given ability and encourages children of all ages to become great adults. Connect with Nate on Twitter: @Supamans_Dad;