Marriage is not one size fits all. You have to do what’s right for you and your spouse!!
People often times get caught up in the way things should be based on several factors such as how they were raised, how the neighbors are living, what they are hearing at church, or what their families and friends think. And this is making their lives miserable!!
For example, your spouse is a stay at home dad/mom (more common than ever due to the recession). And this arrangement really works for your family. But instead of enjoying or appreciating the fact that your family is benefiting from having your spouse at home, you are letting your mama and your friends brainwash you into thinking that your spouse is lazy and should be doing more.
Marriage is not one size fits all. You have to do what’s right for you and your spouse!!
Or what if your spouse truly did something to break your marriage vows; something that hurt you deeply? But the two of you decide to work on your marriage instead of splitting up. But instead of getting support for your decision, your family and friends are telling you that you are a fool for staying.
Marriage is not one size fits all. You have to do what’s right for you and your spouse!!
I’ve personally experienced outside chatter with decisions we have made for our family. When Lamar and I decided to take our business to the next level, he resigned from his position and we moved from the DC area to the Atlanta area. This was a well thought out plan that we made and worked on together. It has been the very best decision for our family and our business. BMWK has exploded in size, we’ve been featured regularly in national media outlets based here and we constantly make all kinds of connections that wouldn’t be possible without us being here. Even more important than all of that is the amount of family time that we can spend now with the kids that we couldn’t do before. I was shocked to hear some of the negative comments that outsiders made about our decision. But, I did not even entertain them.
Marriage is not one size fits all. You have to do what’s right for you and your spouse!!
Once you and your spouse come to an agreement about something, it should not matter what others think about it. And if you are like me, you don’t let what people think stop you from making decisions. However, you must be careful about those little seeds of doubt that people plant as they can cause you stress and turmoil in your relationships. You can let their opinions impact you without even knowing it.
Over the years (especially when we were first married) I let outside opinions and negative comments plant seeds of doubt. And I do think that this resulted in arguments at home. However, I have been able to get beyond that by communicating with my husband and working closely with him (keeping our bond tight.)
Here are some things that we have done over the years to help us achieve our goals and to minimize outside influences:
- We established goals and put action plans in place to achieve them. We did not just say: “I want to move to Atlanta.” We worked on a plan for making that happen.
- We made sure that both of us agreed to the goals/decisions and that they were mutually beneficial. Please don’t agree to something that you can not live with or that goes against your beliefs for the sake of keeping the peace. Lamar did not just quit his job. We both agreed that our business had grown and if we wanted to go to the next level, we needed for him to focus on it full time.
- We had regular checkpoints on our progress and held each other accountable. If things weren’t working, we had to re-plan.
- If little seeds of doubt crop up, don’t allow them to take root. Tell your spouse how you are feeling. Communicate frequently and you will be able to re-assure each other and make plans to address the concerns as they arise. I definitely had to learn to do this. I found that when I was honest about fears or doubt, Lamar was there to listen and we worked them out.
- Always remember that you are a team that is working together on common goals. Be a team inside of the home as well as outside of the home. If you have disagreements about your family goals… work them out together at home. This one is really big. If you don’t know anything about Lamar and me, know this…we are a team. We support each other in our individual endeavors as well as our common goals.
- People don’t need to know your business and they certainly don’t get a vote!! Enough said!!
- I am not saying that you should not have people that you consult or confide in, but have some discernment when seeking advice and counsel. Sometimes your mama or your best friend is not the best or most qualified person to give you advice.
Finally, know that you will never fail if you have each other. If you don’t reach your goal in the expected time frame, or if you have to go back to work, or if you suffer a financial challenge, you should know that those setbacks are only temporary. But the real success comes from being able to love and support each other through the good times and the bad times.
BMWK family, have you ever encountered outside chatter from friends and family? Did you listen to it? Did it affect your marriage in any form?
Anonymous says
I wish this was posted all over the internet – all these marriage experts telling you what you “should” do when it comes to all the details of your marriage – its no one’s business but yours.
marriage is not one size fits all…and if more people would recognize this they would recognize what a gift they have in their marriage
Ronnie_BMWK says
I agree. While appreciate the advice from marriage experts, coaches, etc, in the end I have to apply it to my marriage in the way the works for us.
Lamar says
Yeah I hate it when people tell others that they would leave for A, B and C and most of the time those people ain’t even married – what are you talking about?
Crystalchandler715 says
Another great article 🙂 Thank you!
Ronnie Tyler says
Thank You!
Crystalchandler715 says
Another great article 🙂 Thank you!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thank you!
Athelda Ensley says
One of the challenges to our marriages is the comparisons we apply to them. Each couple is unique and should not be subjected to anyone else’s marital influence. We can get inspiration from the good relationships around us. This doesn’t mean that we need to hold our spouses to another’s standard.
https://speedoflife-times.blogspot.com/
Ronnie_BMWK says
“We can get inspiration from the good relationships around us. This does not mean that we need to hold our spouse’s to another’s standard.” Well said!!
Dr. Michelle Johnson says
You betta say that. Might just print this and share it at our marriage enrichment class tonight. Awesome Ronnie. Just awesome.
Ronnie_BMWK says
I attended a marriage retreat a few weeks back, and this was the first thing the keynote speaker said.. I wrote it down…it resonated with so many women in the room.
Victoria says
That is why I love this blog. You always say what the average married couple is thinking. It’s marriage like these that beat the odds. I love it.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks Victoria. I know so many people that feel the same.
Teecy1 says
This is Excellent. Thanks for addressing this.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks!
Daisy says
Great post most of us know these points already but it never hurts to hear it again. I will add some of the people saying you should do A, B, C were asked to give their .02 so don’t get mad when you ask for input and it’s not what you want to hear or do #justsaying I am single but my friends will come to me to vent or for advice and 99% of the time I just listen and keep my .02 to myself this at times has made my gfriends mad cause they feel I am “not helping”. Most of the time people know what they should or are going to do they just want to vent and get it out in my opinion.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks …You are right Daisy… some people ask for the input..which is why I added the point you need to be careful about who you consult about your marital concerns.
Shaunte Shelton-Slappy says
People dont need to know your business and they certainly dont get a vote!! Enough said!! Let the church say AMEN! Excellent Article – thanks for sharing.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks Shaunte!!! Amen again.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks Shaunte!!! Amen again.
Tanisha phillips says
This was an amazing read brought tears to my eyes……this is very true and thanks for sharing your story it has inspired me to go on and communicate more with hubby
Ronnie_BMWK says
Awesome! Constant communication is the key to making it work.
Aiyanamaat says
You betta say it sis! Excellent piece!
Ronnie_BMWK says
thanks Aiyana
Anonymous says
I learned alot from this article.Some of the things my husband have learned ,but I got some very good points.So thankyou God bless
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks for the feedback.. can you add additional points from the things you have learned with your husband?
Nicole says
Coming from a divorced sistah if we only learn how to operate our relationships as if its a busines. We protect invest significant time and cultivates so it will grow.
Thank you new additions to our family!!
Tiya says
Amen, Amen and Amen again! Great article Ronnie!
Briana Myricks says
We got outside chatter, and we still do, but we don’t let it phase us. This is our marriage and we’re going to do things together our way. You gave some great tips 🙂
Ed says
Love This!!! “People dont need to know your business and they certainly dont get a vote!!”
Kcmommy says
Love having this to read! Affirmation is so wonderful, sometimes we just need it.
Keisha613 says
While I was married, my soon-to-be-ex-husband constantly talked to his friends about what he felt was wrong with out marriage. He never talked to me about anything. When he did talk to me, he belittled, degraded and abused me. I understand that I am not perfect, by why you feel the need to downgrade me when I have done nothing but love you through thick and thin. I stayed with him for almost two years, I have a one year old daughter with him and this divorce is getting extremely messy. I would always tell him that listening to his boys was going to cost him his family, hoping that maybe he would see my point of view and talk to me first, none of this happened. The breaking point was when he assaulted and threatened to kill me in front of our daughter. I could no longer take this and allow my daughter to think that when someone loves you, this is what they do. Now at this point in the divorce process, he wants to use our daughter as leverage. There are many days when I wish I would have been stronger and left before things got this bad, because it has been made painfully obvious to me, that this man never loved me as much as I loved him. I don’t think he ever loved me at all. I feel that all of this could have been avoided if he would have talked to me instead of his friends who are not married, but have children by multiple women.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Keisha613…..thanks for sharing your story. Have you and your husband tried counseling or marriage education classes or both? I definitely think it is a good idea to get away from the abuse immediately…your safety is most important.
But if he ever tries to reconcile with you..then he will need to have counseling for his anger and you both should take a class together as well.
Jarvisdervin says
I DISAGREE ON THE RAISING PART BECAUSE IF YOU DON’T DISCIPLINE YOU WILL HAVE A CHILD THAT THINK THEY CAN TAKE OVER THE HOUSE.
DavidJClarke says
Great post, Ronnie!
LeighT says
I am new to BMWK but I enjoyed this article very much. Very well said! In my experience listening to outside chatter has always created a negative effect at home. I am learning to keep matters of my marriage at home because friends and family do not forgive your spouse as quickly as you do.
jaybird says
So agree with this..friends and family hold grudges against spouse for the things that you shared with them.
Memealw says
This was a GREAT article and very beneficial to me right now.
My husband and I are in the midst of making decisions for our family, and everyone wants to have an opinion.
This information really helped me.
God bless.
Memealw says
This was a GREAT article and very beneficial to me right now.
My husband and I are in the midst of making decisions for our family, and everyone wants to have an opinion.
This information really helped me.
God bless.
Trisha says
Yes, I do agree. What’s best for one married couple may or may not be best for another. Each couple is exploring what’s best for them and I think that’s the fun of being in a relationship.You get to learn what’s best to help your relationship grow.
Keresha says
Great message and well needed. Keep up the good works Ronnie and Lamar!
Stay blessed x
timica36 says
Great article Ronnie!! I’m going through same thing not talking to my husband or not sharing what’s on my mind!! We have recently relocated and I didn’t really trust his judgment on this move!!! Ever since we been here its been problems!!! Thanks for sharing ……..