Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am married to a man that I’ve known for a good portion of my life and I love him dearly. We’ve only been married for a few months. Things started out really crazy. I’ve already endured a cheating issue, but sought counseling and we decided to work through it, despite my desire to walk. I’ve hung in thus far, but now this other issue is just eating away at me.
He was married to a woman for about 7 years. They have a daughter together. He has visitation rights, pays child support and spends time with his daughter. The ex-wife does things that are just disturbing to me. For instance, it may not be his weekend to see the child, but the ex will request that he meet them somewhere, because the daughter wants to see him. I think she is the one who wants to see him and not the child. If it’s not that, she’ll request that he meet her to give her the child support money. It’s always something.
Then to top it off, she has no clue that he is married now and he will not tell her. He refuses to allow me to come with him to pick the child up for visits and he refuses to allow me and the ex to meet, which I requested. He stated that they agreed to not bring others around when dealing with the child. I am his wife, not just some other person. It’s just really crazy and hurtful to be honest. Am I being petty or is this really another issue?
Sincerely, CeeCee
Dear CeeCee,
No, you are not being petty and yes this is another issue! You are not feeling valued in your marriage because your husband does not respect you. One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When respect is absent in a relationship, feelings of dismissal, rejection and bitterness surface. Once these feelings manifest individuals either attack or become defensive. Obviously, this is problematic. Marriage works well when individuals feel respected and are functioning as teammates. Teammates work together to achieve a common goal. Each member of the team is respected for what he or she brings to the table. Life and relationship decisions are made jointly and each person feels valued. Teammate thinking is what makes marriage so appealing.
Your husband has a roommate mentality instead of a teammate mentality. Individuals with roommate mentalities believe that it is acceptable to function independently of each other because they see certain aspects of their lives as being separate. They take care of their kids. They manage their money. They put their best interest at hand first. This kind of thinking is counterproductive and will eventually destroy your marriage. Please be mindful that any relationship that lacks respect, dedication and teamwork will eventually end in pain and suffering.
You allow your husband to disrespect you by keeping you a secret from his ex-wife and not allowing you to be a part of his child’s life. As you stated, “You are his wife and not some other person”. Unfortunately, you continue to struggle in your marriage because your husband does not understand what it means to have a wife/teammate. There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions. You need both to have a healthy marriage. 1 John 3:18 helps us understand this, “let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth”.
I highly recommend that you assertively demand respect from your husband and hold him accountable for his actions. Also, I encourage you to think about self-respect. If you do not respect yourself, you will probably struggle with getting respect from someone else. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results. You cannot remain attached to an inconsiderate and disrespectful man and expect to feel valued. Please reflect on one of my favorite personal quotes:
Respect me or leave me because disrespect is not an option.
Remember that self-respect is the best kind of respect because you can show others what you desire and need. Establish a respectful relationship with yourself and I assure you that you will feel whole and receive the respect that you desire. Please consider contacting me for coaching or visit my website and secure copies of A Black Woman’s Worth and Unconditional Love: What Every Woman and Man Desires in a Relationship
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.