Hi Doc,
Okay, my fiancé and I are supposed to get married in June 2017, but my siblings don’t like her.
Let me start by saying their animosity toward each other came into light when my fiancé caught me sending sexually suggestive text messages to my 19 year-old-son’s mother. That created an obvious firestorm. I know I am wrong, and it was a stupid thing to do. But since that moment, more things have happened.
She became very angry and began hitting me, cutting my eye. I can understand that part of it, in a way, because it happened in the moment. But after discovering my betrayal, she also became very angry with my brother and sister, to whom I am extremely close with, because she felt they protect me.
She said some very hurtful things to them, and my sister is taking it very personally. She was supposed to be in our wedding, but now I do not think they have much of a chance at truly being friends again.
My fiancé lost her brother a few years back, and I believe she resents my closeness with my brother and sister. This has put me in a horrible position, and I’m not sure what to do.
My fiancé does want to try to save the relationship. But I’m wondering. Do we need to push the wedding back or should we just cancel it all together?
How am I supposed to get married if the relationship with the woman I love and my siblings are fractured and may not be the same? I am very much in need of some advice! Should I get married if my siblings despise my fiancé?
Regards,
Stuck in the Middle of the Aisle
Stuck in the Middle of the Aisle
I have never been the one to focus on drama or spend too much time discussing wrongs, especially when people are emotionally charged. I mention this to remind you of the importance of allowing your wife and sister to calm down.
This may take a few weeks, months or years. With this in mind, I recommend that you pay attention to how the relationship evolves and not the time frame. Time is often the best remedy for healing distraught relationships. Considering that we are approaching the New Year, I would suggest you push the wedding back. Why? Glad you asked.
As mentioned earlier, I typically do not spend too much time discussing wrongs, but in this situation, I feel it is important I highlight a few wrongs and offer corrective actions so that you can make an informed decision about getting married.
Wrong #1: You sexted your son’s mother
Corrective Action: You need to seek professional help to find out what is missing in your personal life or relationship that contributed to your passive infidelity.
Yes, sexting (or sexually suggestive texting) is infidelity in my book. Infidelity is defined as the act or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or sexual partner. If you have unresolved feelings for your son’s mother, you need to resolve them before you say, “I do.”
YOU should never start something new if your heart and mind is not renewed. Telling you fiancé that you are sorry is not good enough. She needs reassurance. Your ability to regain her trust will be determined by your actions—not your words. However, do not drive yourself crazy trying to rebuild trust. She has to take an active role in the rebuilding process as well. Seek professional help and a therapist can help with this issue.
Wrong #2: Your fiancé verbally and physically assaulted you
Corrective Action: Recommend that your fiancé attend anger management classes and counseling. While her anger is understandable, physical violence is not. She put her hands on you and left wounds. Physical violence is never okay. Her inability to manage her anger is sign of other personal issues.
Wrong #3: You justified your fiancé aggressive behavior (“I can understand that part of it, in a way…”)
Corrective Action: Accept responsibility for your wrongdoing, but do not make excuses for aggressive behavior. I often remind people that they are entitled to feel however they desire, but they are not entitled to express it inappropriately.
If you justify the behavior now, you will probably continue to justify it later. Anger does not equate to violence. However, violence does equate to emotional instability. Hold her accountable for her behavior just as she is holding you accountable for sexting.
Wrong# 4: Your fiancé said hurtful things to your siblings
Corrective Action: Your fiancé needs to apologize to your siblings and learn how to regulate her emotions (refer her again to anger management classes). I am not sure if your siblings said hurtful things as well. However, it really does not matter because you are not planning to live with them.
If your fiancé has a vindictive nature, please do not ignore this behavior. Vindictive people typically strive to hurt people who hurt them. They can be filled with resentment and are unforgiving. Also, vindictive people will defend themselves and will justify their inappropriate behavior because of how they feel. This is dangerous and unhealthy behavior. Emotions are expressions of how we feel, but behavior is an expression of character. Assess your fiancé’s character before saying, “I do.”
I am not sure if you believe in the following saying, “Everything happens for a reason.” While your sexting was totally inappropriate, it highlighted some issues that must be addressed in your relationship. Both you and fiancé have some work to do. I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling before you move forward with your wedding plans. Conflict between your fiancé and siblings will not improve without some form of intervention.
It is my recommendation that you do not move forward with your wedding plans without addressing what happened. Most people brush things under the rug, only for them to resurface years later. Hurt or pain has a tendency to dwell in an individual’s soul. Maya Angelo once stated, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.