Have you ever heard someone say,
“Relationships take work!”
What the heck does that mean? When I was single, that’s all I kept hearing from older couples. I had a job. I worked out at a gym. I knew what work was. But I didn’t know what this kind of “work” meant.
Then I jumped to the married-side of the broom. Now, 16 years later, I now know exactly what “work” means…because my wife, Bernie (BerNadette) and I have put a lot of it in over the years.
So…if you’re contemplating taking your relationship to the next level…read on as I reveal the mystery behind what ‘work’ really means.
The “Work”
When you woke up this morning, you probably thought to yourself, “I’m just going to do me today”. Or thought, “I’m not going to compromise on anything I want to do today.” Then you exhaled…and realized that the person lying next to you was going to make those thoughts false in about :45 seconds.
See…you’ve been you your whole life. You understand you. And you make sense to you. And like me, you have a natural way you prefer doing things. But once you enter into a relationship, you’ll have to make a conscious decision that you’re going to compromise some of those ways for him/her. That means, you’ll have to take your natural way of doing things, how you do them, when you do them, and put that on a shelf somewhere. Then consider your mate’s ways over yours. And that takes work!
And what makes it even harder work is after you’ve compromised, you’re fighting against yourself to not revert back to your normal way of doing things when things get uncomfortably unfamiliar.
My wife says she compromises when she has to figure out what to cook so I’ll have something to eat. And when she has to go out with our friends, which I like to do, when she’d rather stay home. I compromise when I have to adjust the speed in which things get done down to a pace that’s comfortable for Bernie. I move, process information, and make decisions faster than her. It’s not a bad thing. We just think differently. I also had to change my relationships with my friends. Wherein I’m an extrovert and like to hangout, Bernie’s an introvert and prefers to be home. So I’ve had to completely change the relationships I’ve had with my friends over our 16 years of marriage.
This “work” is compromising and doing things you normally wouldn’t have to do. After you’ve compromised, it’s also fighting against yourself and not going back to the things that are comfortable and natural for you.
If you’re not ready for this level of work and you want to stay exactly who you are…or if compromising like this feels like you are sacrificing a limb, then please…stay single. But you’ll never know the mystery this work will reveal about yourself.
The Mystery Revealed Behind the “Work”…
This “work” is necessary for your personal growth and the health of your relationship. By yielding your desires and preferences to someone else, you are purging yourself of some selfish ways that are detrimental to you and your relationship. You are also increasing God’s grace…such as being more thoughtful, caring, and considerate towards others. A relationship or marriage can require you to use measures of grace, the likes of which you’ve never experienced but for your mate extracting them from you. Even though it might not be the most pleasurable process, it yields the greatest benefit to you and your relationship.
Just like Jesus, who didn’t want to sacrifice himself when he asked the Father “if it be possible, let this cup pass from me…”?, He resolved, “nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.” (Matt 26:39 ESV). I bet what Jesus really wanted to do was snatch those nails out the cross, jump down, and slay everybody that had been beating him for the past several hours…especially that bama who shanked him in his side (or maybe that’s just me???). But he didn’t. Why? Because he chose to sacrifice his own preference for the benefit of others.
A husband and wife are supposed to operate the same way. They should be mutually sacrificing and compromising their own natural preferences for the other person’s benefit…regardless if their mate reciprocates in turn. In so doing, each person grows personally and spiritually…and sees the positive results of being a more patient, kinder, more considerate, and more understanding person. You are, in fact, being more like Jesus. And this is one of God’s purposes for marriage.
This might seem risky, scary, or down-right impossible for some. If it sounds like too much work…and you can’t see yourself doing it…then it’s best for you to stay on the single-side of the broom. Because if you get married and still retain your single-ways, somebody is going to be very miserable and frustrated…either you, your mate, or both of you (can I get an amen from those that know what I’m talkin’ bout’?).
BMWK – What kind of “WORK” do you have to do in your relationship?