by Harriet Hairston
When someone–namely your spouse–attempts to apologize to you after an accident, misunderstanding or wrongdoing, how do you respond? How would you like your spouse to respond? Before answering those questions, take a look at the following scenario:
Rashid and Alana (names changed to protect both innocent and guilty) are a married couple about to embark upon a long drive to a destination five states away. Rashid, ever aware of his wife’s exhausting work schedule, has volunteered to drive the entire time, which Alana certainly appreciates.
Along the way, Rashid pops a few energy pills and drinks, and his demeanor slowly degenerates into ogre-like proportions. Small things begin to irritate him: Alana asking him if he’s OK one too many times (growl), Alana changing his music (grr), Alana accidentally unplugging his GPS (hiss), Alana eating the last snack cookie (roar).
Each time Alana commits these unforgivable traveling sins, he responds with more vitriol, frustration and finally anger. And each time, Alana, realizing a few more words could have saved her a verbal beat down, apologizes for her discretions.
Eventually, between the growl and the hiss of Rashid’s reactions, Alana begins to build up a wall of defense and resentment. She reasons that it’s bad enough that they have to drive on this long, last minute trip. What’s the harm in being nice to one another on the way? Every time she apologizes and gets kicked in return, she folds her own anger and resentment up in her mind. She means her apologies sincerely but thinks, “This knee-grow has ONE MORE TIME to snap at me over some foolishness before I go off.”
And Rashid was more than willing to make that purchase.
After gassing up for the fifth time, Alana stumbles to the restroom, sleepy and exhausted, and manages to find her way, even in the haze of traveling slumber, back to the car. She gets in the car and accidentally bumps Rashid, whose hands were experiencing tremors from his caffeine intake, and he spills his bottled water all over his lap.
“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Alana sincerely laments.
“GROWL”
And that, ladies and gentleman, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Alana growls right back, and they spend the next gas tank angry at one another.
Between Pennsylvania and New Jersey, Rashid decides to calm things down a bit: “Baby,” he says, reaching out to touch her hand. “I’m so sorry about being mean to you. Let’s start over, OK?”
Alana responds, “Man, please. I’m not trying to hear anything you have to say right now.” She yanks her hands away, folds her arms up and turns away from him, looking out of the window.
Surely Alana’s actions are justifiable, right? Surely Rashid needs to grovel and beg until she is willing to forgive him. After all, he was wrong for being so rude to her. A little silent treatment and withholding affection should teach him a lesson!
Do you see yourself in either Rashid or Alana? Although both have exhibited natural, knee jerk responses to receiving apologies, there is always a more excellent way.
When on the receiving apology:
- Acknowledge the humility it took for the other person to admit their wrongdoing. It’s easy to kick someone when they’re down, but one moment of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes should alleviate that temptation.
- Be open to hearing why the other person responded to you the way they did. We judge others by their actions, but want to be judged by our intentions. Take the time to do the opposite when receiving an apology. There may be a genuine misunderstanding or miscommunication there that you were unaware of.
- Use the same grace towards your offender that you would want to receive if you were in the wrong. I’m not saying accept wrongdoing as a way of life, nor am I suggesting that you turn the other cheek to your detriment. I’m saying that if you did something similar and acknowledged that you were wrong, how would you want the other person to respond?
- Don’t multiply negativity. Fighting fire with fire never works. Trying to give another person the same treatment they gave you to make a point or try to make them feel the same way you felt when the offense took place is not a good strategy for conflict resolution.
This is not a license for you to become a doormat and allow others to treat you any kind of way. However, when on the receiving end of an apology, using these pointers is a great opportunity to experience divinity. Every time you are given a chance to forgive an offense or give grace to someone who doesn’t deserve it, you are exhibiting the same behavior God shows towards us on a daily basis.
God bless!
~ Harriet