I’ve said it before but it bears repeating. We are all imperfect. Sometimes, we do things that make absolutely no sense to anyone else in the world…but makes total sense to us. We second guess ourselves and overreact unnecessarily. Sometimes we don’t know how to apologize or don’t even want to apologize when we are wrong. And, we don’t often consider the results of our actions. Simply put, we make mistakes.
Marriage will draw deep things out of you that you never knew were there… marriage will make it known. – Leroy Scott, MA, MDiv.
These are things humans do. You won’t stop being human just because you get married. Marriage sometimes causes even more of our imperfections to surface as we relax and eventually show our true colors.
Own Your Stuff
One thing I’ve learned in my own marriage and in coaching couples is that we have to recognize and admit our flaws. I’m finding that this is where many couples struggle the most. It’s difficult to own your baggage. Some can’t come right out and say “I don’t listen very well” or “I’m jealous or a bit insecure.” I think some of us are afraid of the effect owning our baggage might have in our relationships. Here’s the secret though, we aren’t fooling anyone. Whether we admit it or not our partners are going to eventually see our imperfections on their own. Wouldn’t it be better to let them know in advance?
One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to own you, all of you… your strengths as well as your weaknesses.
I can’t tell you how much frustration I could’ve prevented if I had shared my own communication challenges early-on in my marriage. Or if I had been honest about needing a little time to understand and appreciate my title of spouse. My husband and I probably would’ve had an easier go if we knew early on what our individual challenges were going to be.
I do understand that sometimes couples aren’t aware of their individual challenges, until they actually begin to merge their lives. But the moment they start to recognize how they feel in certain situations, it should be communicated to their spouse….make it known!
In addition to sharing those imperfections with your spouse, you should also explain your why. For example, I could’ve told my husband that I struggle with communication because I was shy growing up and I’m just now discovering my voice and how to really use it. Hearing that would have given him a deeper understanding of who I am and why I do certain things, causing him to be more patient with me as we work through our communication barriers.
Now, this can’t be used as an excuse and I should be seeking ways to improve, but it gives my husband a little insight into my behavior. Without my expressing this to him, we’d be stuck in the same place trying to figure out what’s wrong.
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One of the best things you can do for your marriage is to own you, all of you… your strengths as well as your weaknesses. I recommend this for all couples. It’s healing and healthy to discuss your imperfections. Share with your spouse what you feel might be a personal challenge for you in your relationship, and why and how you will continue working to improve in that area. Trust me, this will do wonders for creating a safe nurturing environment for your marriage to prosper.
BMWK, have you owned your stuff in your marriage?