Have you ever thought about what’s needed to be a great spouse? And on top of that, have you considered what might prevent you from being one?
Knowing the deepest truth of who you are is crucial to the future of your marriage. Being able to recognize your strengths in relationships as well as your weaknesses will save you a lot of frustration down the road.
I’ve found that the reason most couples experience conflict is because neither are willing to own their baggage and admit their flaws. If you’re able to do this, you’re already ahead of the game. For those still struggling to own yours, here are a few areas to be mindful of:
1. Your attitude is everything. Are you frequently in a bad mood? Are people excited to be around you? Does your spouse seem to avoid being in your company? We usually know whether or not our attitude is serving our marriage well. If you consistently display a bad attitude, figure out why. Are you unhappy? Disappointed? Our bad attitude rarely has anything to do with our spouse. It’s more of a personal challenge we must work at improving.
2. Your triggers/buttons create marriage conflict. Are there actions, words or things that typically set you off? For example, does not being listened to cause you to snap? And if so, why? Do you find it disrespectful or does it remind you of something else? Whatever the case, share that with your spouse. Being aware of your triggers and the reasons they exist will be beneficial to both you and your partner. It will help you manage conflict before it even really gets started.
3. Your beliefs from childhood and what you witnessed around you are usually repeated in your own relationship. Was there always conflict in your home? Did you see your mom making all the sacrifices in the home? Was cheating acceptable? Was disrespect the norm in your home? Unfortunately, sometimes our childhood beliefs travel with us into adulthood. Sometimes, what we observed we actually do. Not everything our parents did will work for our marriages. Spend some time thinking about what beliefs you may be bringing into your marriage that simply aren’t working.
4. Your fears are going to prevent you from being happy long term. Do you fear that your spouse will cheat? Are you concerned that you won’t ever be happy? Our fears control our actions. If we don’t work at controlling them, they may stop us from trusting, being vulnerable and fully committing.
5. Your past relationships could have you feeling some kind of way about love. Have you had your heart broken? Are you nervous about loving that hard again? The past is just that, the past. We can’t make our current partner responsible for the poor decisions of the last partner. We should enter every new relationship with a fresh perspective and ideas on how to make it work.
6. Your immaturity may sometimes show up and have a lasting impact on your marriage. Do you always have to have the last word? Do you shut down? Do you pout and disagree immaturely? All those behaviors will cause you to truly struggle in a grown-up relationship. Recognize any childish actions you may be prone to display and auto-correct immediately.
7. Your bad habits will continue to travel with you as long as you aren’t doing anything to correct them. Are you a little lazy? Do you procrastinate? Do you shave your hair and leave it in the sink? Those little pet peeves will aggravate your spouse and also cause conflict. Know what you do, consider how it affects your spouse and make the necessary changes.
If your goal is to be successful in love, being aware of what prevents that success will be necessary. When it comes to our own personal development, we have to be our own worst critic. While our intentions may be good, sometimes those old behaviors get in our way. Some are within our control, others we may need a little assistance with. Knowing your good, bad and ugly are good for you and great for your marriage.
BMWK, what other things prevent someone from being a great spouse?