Ya’ll know the Internet has no chill. So when Birdman stormed off a recent interview on “The Breakfast Club” radio show after warning the hosts, “when you say my name, put some RESPECK on it,” everybody went in! Social media jokes about the incident flooded my timeline. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click here to get caught up).
His demand for respect was a major fail on his part, as evidenced by all of these memes floating around. But all jokes aside, Birdman’s response to feeling disrespected by the talk show hosts makes for a good teaching moment for those of us who are in a romantic relationship.
Love and respect go hand in hand. Spouses may intentionally or unintentionally disrespect their partners in front of other people—friends, family, co-workers or even their children. They don’t understand that there’s a thin line between clowning your partner in good fun and blatantly disrespecting your partner. By failing to understand what respect really looks like in a relationship, you unconsciously create a culture of dishonor in your marriage that gives other people the green light to disrespect your spouse, too.
I want to help you avoid hearing your partner say, “put some respeck on my name,” by giving you four practical tips you can use to make respect a core value in your marriage.
1. Rise Above Pettiness and Keep Your Private Business Private
In this spirit of Birdman, do ya’ll have beef with each other or do you have unresolved conflicts? You can disrespect your partner by bringing up your private issues in public, even if you do it subtly through sarcasm, smart talk or inside jokes.
For example, when I was a newlywed, my husband and I attended a get-together hosted by his boss. The man’s wife started throwing shade at her husband in our presence by bringing up his past mistakes (and how she felt about them). It was so awkward to watch this man be embarrassed by his wife in front of the people he’d have to supervise on Monday morning. That man’s face became a permanent reminder to me to keep my private business with my husband, private.
To foster true love and respect for your partner, you want to stay away from the pettiness and work on your problems at home or privately with a professional therapist, coach or a spiritual advisor.
2. Protect Your Partner
Have you heard of situations where a husband will allow his mother to halfway cuss his wife out and never defend his bride because he didn’t want to offend his mama? If you truly love your spouse, you’re not going to sit by and let someone else disrespect him or her! Protect your partner’s integrity and character by speaking up when someone else is trying to tear him or her down. Even in an instance with your mother, whom you don’t want to offend either, you should step in to help settle disagreements and make it known that you will not tolerate disrespect toward your spouse.
3. Honor Boundaries
In a healthy relationship, you respect each other’s personal boundaries. What does this look like? It means that even though you’re “one flesh,” you don’t expect your partner to think, feel or act just like you. You honor your spouse’s freedom and individuality. You don’t get mad or make her feel guilty if she’s says “no” to you. You recognize your partner’s perspective, even if you disagree with him. Respecting boundaries helps you communicate to your partner that you value his or her time, opinions and body.
4. Taste Your Words Before You Spit Them Out
You can’t say you love and respect somebody and call him out his name at the same time! No matter how intense your anger and frustration is, you don’t want to say something in the heat of an argument that you’ll regret later. If you struggle in this area, it may be helpful to set up some rules of engagement before a conflict begins. Teach your spouse how you want to be talked to even if he’s upset; use phrases like, “please speak to me more kindly, otherwise I’m going to walk away and we’ll have to talk about this another time.” Or, use a code word that reveals you need her to give you some space before you talk about an issue.
It’s so easy to take your spouse for granted and assume that he or she will always be around, even if you’re doing things that are disrespectful. You can turn things around in your marriage by putting some “respeck” on your partner’s name and making your partner feel honored by what you say and do.
BMWK couples, do you have any other tips about respect in a relationship?