Marriage burnout is a thing. If you do not create a safe space to love yourself, you will not be able to properly love your spouse. Self love in relationships is necessary in order to be happy in love. There are certain expectations in marriage that require your dedication and commitment, even when you feel you don’t have it to give. Your spouse won’t stop having needs, though you may feel as though you are running on empty. Humans will always have needs. In order to supply those needs, first pay attention to your own. This article will call on you to be a little selfish first, in order to be selfless later.
Why Self Love in Relationships Makes You a Better Lover to Your Spouse
In this article:
Recognize Your Needs
Where are your greatest needs right now? Is it seeing your family happy? Does it involve making your spouse feel like the king or queen of your home? If your needs involve others, stop right there. Think about you, for just a second. Taking care of your family is a good goal to have, but when you are asked about your needs, take some time and think only about you. I’ll ask again, what are your greatest needs right now? Think about what brings you a sense of peace. Consider what puts a smile on your face and when you feel your best. Do you have hobbies that do that for you? Does your business or work bring you a sense of joy and accomplishment. It could also be just taking a hot long bath or reading a good book. It is okay to recognize you, what you need, and indulge in that thing whenever you can.
Self love in relationships is about rest and restoration and refueling. You can be good to others when you have taken that time for you. So, grab a pen and paper and number it from 1 to 5. Draw lines to create 3 columns next to each number. Next, in the first column next to each number, write down one thing that brings you utter and complete joy. Again, try not to tie this to anyone else that you take care of, make it all about you. Pay attention to how you begin to feel after creating your list. You should begin to feel a release just by thinking about yourself and your needs.
Give in to Your Needs
Now that you have recognized your needs, it is time to give in to those needs. Take a look at the list you just created with the 5 things that bring you joy. In the second column, next to each item, add a date or timeline for when you last had that experience. If it has been far too long, it is time to ask yourself why? Is it a lack of time or other responsibilities that prevent you from loving and honoring yourself? I know this pandemic has put a damper on a lot of what we all enjoy, but I have also noticed how creative people have become over these last few months. What can you do today to make sure you get to do that thing that brings you joy?
Next to the last date you listed, in the third column, add a future date for when you plan to have that experience again. Don’t worry about the “how” right now, just concentrate on the why it has to happen. You have to give in to your needs and love yourself because it is the primary way to be good to yourself. It is like the rules they provide on an airplane before the flight. Put your air mask on first and then take care of the others who are with you. So, love yourself first, and then share love with your family and spouse. This is how you practice self love in relationships. You want them to have the best version of you, and in order for that to happen, you have to be the best version of you.
Affirmations are also necessary. Sometimes the reason self-love doesn’t happen is because you might not feel as though you deserve it, but you are worthy of love, especially self-love. Use affirmations to remind yourself of that. Phrases, like “I am worthy of the best that life has to offer” or “I deserve a love and marriage that honors who I am and what I need” are great ones to include in your self love practice and will help improve self love in relationships.
When you are well-rested and restored, you can go back to giving. If you aren’t loving yourself first, you will feel frustration and resentment because you will blame the people you gave to, when they haven’t even asked you to neglect yourself. They only showed up with their own set of needs, and you likely continued to give and give without pausing to care for you. Today, it is about you. You have to give in to your needs.
Be a Better Lover to Your Spouse
Self love in relationships is important. You deserve happiness and your marriage deserves two partners who show up ready to love and available to experience one another on a brand new level. Once you have practiced self-love, it will become easier to be a better lover to your spouse because you will find you have the capacity and energy to love. Being a better lover means you recognize your spouse. You truly see and hear them and are in tune with who they are, what makes them smile, what type of touch stimulates their senses most and what they need from your marriage. Learning your spouse is about observing, but also having below the surface conversations that allow you both to become comfortable, vulnerable, and familiar with one another.
You should know your spouse inside and out. If you find that you don’t know as much as you need to in order to become a better lover, you have to ask those questions that let you into their world. Ask your spouse what they need and more importantly why they need it. Ask what brings them joy and the ways they too practice self-love to become a better spouse. You both need to focus on your individual needs to better love each other.
Self-love will make you a better lover to your spouse. Recognizing your needs, affirming why you deserve love and giving in to your own desires will enhance the way you show up to your partner. Be sure you are taking time for yourself in a way that revives your spirit and gives you the self-love you deserve. You are better to others when you have taken the greatest care of yourself.
BMWK, in what ways do you love yourself in order to be a better lover to your spouse?