Are you experiencing trust issues in your marriage? Read a story about a woman who discovered that her husband is still communicating with an ex-flame by going through his phone. Relationship expert Dr. Dwayne Buckingham also weighs in. When it comes to privacy between husband and wife, where do you stand? Read on to learn more about privacy in a marriage in this post.
Trust Issues in Marriage: Should There Be Privacy Between Wife and Husband?
In This Article:
- The Story
- How Can I Trust Him Again?
- Communication and Trust Issues
- Privacy in Marriage
- Respecting Boundaries
- How Healthy Marriages Deal with Privacy
- Respect, Faithfulness, and Privacy
The Story
I’d like to share a story about one of the common issues between husband and wife — trust issues. I have been married for six years, and my husband and I grew up in different countries; I in the U.S. and him in the Caribbean. He was very honest with me from the beginning about his extensive sexual past. I was a virgin when we married. He keeps in contact with a lot of people from his homeland via social media.
And I recently found out he was speaking to someone he used to sleep with (but didn’t consider to be a girlfriend). She was reminding him of the intimate times they had together and sending naughty pictures, and from what I saw, he didn’t tell her to stop. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, and he told me it was nothing serious, he was just “joking around” with her. He has since blocked her on all his social media accounts.
The problem is I found this out by going through his phone. I know it’s wrong. To be honest, I’ve done that on and off since we got married because I don’t know all his friends from his home. I felt this as a way to get to know who he was speaking to and what kind of relationships he had with them, male or female. This time, though, the issue with this girl really threw me into a dark hole of insecurity, and I’m continually pestering him about it. He didn’t change the passcode on his phone, but he has demanded that I stop going through his phone because he feels like he’s constantly being watched when he’s home and because he feels I’m hurting myself more than him when I do that.
How Can I Trust Him Again?
I really do want to stop going through his stuff because it has caused other problems in the past. My question is: how can I feel comfortable to trust his word again when I feel he’s being so overprotective of his phone now? My biggest concern is he will unblock this girl and start talking to her again now that he knows his wife won’t be going through his phone anymore.
Do I have a right to snoop or does my husband has a valid point about trust issues—should there be privacy in marriage? Read this article to find out Dr. Buckingham’s responses to my concern about trust issues in marriage.
Communication and Trust Issues
Dear Mrs. N, sorry to hear about your husband’s behavior. However, your issue is not just about privacy. You all have communication and trust issues. Given your husband minimized his behavior, I can understand your insecurity and concern for the repetitive behavior on his behalf. However, if you do not trust him you should not remain with him. I can promise you, you will not find peace in a marriage sustained by deception. If your husband is in the business of being deceptive, you will continue to have the urge to search his personal belongings. This is a bad cycle and a destructive behavior because your husband will become more secretive as you become more aggressive.
Privacy in Marriage
Privacy in marriage is a very subjective issue. Some people believe some things like cell phones should be off limits. I, personally, do not understand this kind of thinking. I have a wife and she has access to my cell phone and anything else she needs access to in order to make her feel comfortable and to trust me. Also, I got married to share, and the only thing I make personal is my downtime. In marriage, we share money, parental responsibility, our bodies, our minds, and even our souls. However, place limits on material things. I do not get the restriction thing. We have a no secret/restriction rule in regard to material things or social media platforms. This works for my wife and me, but every husband and wife is different.
Respecting Boundaries
As stated above, privacy in marriage is a very subjective issue because each person in the relationship has to define what he or she is comfortable with. Although we promise to be “one” until death do us part, this does not mean we are not entitled to privacy. Relationships are about setting boundaries and respecting each other. Therefore, privacy and boundary settings go hand-in-hand.
You are only entitled to whatever your husband is willing to share. If your husband does not feel comfortable giving you open access to his cell phone, then you have to respect his boundaries. However, it is human nature to obsess over things we want but cannot have. Based on your previous findings of your husband’s inappropriate conversations, many would argue you have the right to invade his privacy. I disagree. Remember, his dishonesty is not a pass for your disrespect.
How Healthy Marriages Deal with Privacy
In healthy marriages, individuals discuss their desires and eliminate privacy issues that create conflict and tension. The right to privacy is not just a physical violation, it is a psychological violation, as well. Some people do not feel safe when their privacy is violated. This is not a good thing because people who do not feel safe typically become more guarded and shut down.
Respect, Faithfulness, and Privacy
In my professional opinion, I believe that you should stop searching through your husband’s belongings. Your searching is not going to change his behavior. The easiest way to rebuild or restore trust in any relationship is to be completely transparent and open. If he still refuses to share his cell phone and remains overprotective, he is probably still doing something wrong. If you do not and cannot find it within yourself to trust him, then move on. No marriage can last without trust and respect. He has to respect you by being faithful, and you have to respect him by giving him privacy.
Is your marriage being tested by trust issues? Learn how to rebuild trust in your relationship with this video from Jay Cadet:
We hope this post on trust issues in a marriage and how to deal with them can help you in your daily journey as wife and husband. Remember to always lean on your spouse when things get rough and respect each other’s boundaries, if necessary. If you want to consult with Dr. Dwayne Buckingham about your marriage and relationships, you may send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com.
Do you have the same story about trust issues you’d like to share with us, BMWK family? Feel free to tell us in the comments section below!
Up Next: How Can I Help My Spouse Heal From My Infidelity?
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions, and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published on May 31, 2016, and has been updated for quality and relevancy.