by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Actress Regina King sparked controversy recently with an essay she wrote for Vibe Magazine encouraging Black women to consider dating men of other races. King writes:
“Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “˜I want me a brother.’ Well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love””with Black men”...I think Black women need to open up. A lot of Black women still carry a lot of pain when they see Black men with women who aren’t Black and that’s really unfortunate that that could make us so upset.“
On the other hand, Jill Scott sparked even more controversy in a March essay for Essence Magazine about the “wince”; the feeling that Black women get when seeing a Black man with a White woman.
“In the midst of this, Black women and Black men struggled together, mourned together, starved together, braved the hoses and vicious police dogs and died untimely on southern back roads together. These harsh truths lead to what we really feel when we see a seemingly together brother with a Caucasian woman and their children. That feeling is betrayed. While we exert efforts to raise our sons and daughters to appreciate themselves and respect others, most of us end up doing this important work alone, with no fathers or like representatives, limited financial support (often court-enforced) and, on top of everything else, an empty bed. It’s frustrating and it hurts!
Our minds do understand that people of all races find genuine love in many places. We dig that the world is full of amazing options. But underneath, there is a bite, no matter the ointment, that has yet to stop burning.”
I found both of these articles interesting because it brings to light the fact that although we often claim to live in a post-racial society, the issue of interracial dating and marriage is obviously still carries a lot of baggage for Black women.
I have never dated a man who was not Black. Looking back, I honestly don’t think that I had real reasons behind it; it was just never a thought. Despite the fact that I always went to predominately White schools and worked with White people most of the time, when I envisioned my future husband, he was always Black. Because I never felt that I had a problem finding a Black man, I never felt that I was limiting my options with that preference.
Even so, I will admit that I have felt the wince a time or two. I have grown to realize that you find love where you happen to find it. However, when I see a Black man with a non-Black woman, I do occasionally think about the statistics that Black women are less than half as likely to be married than other groups of women and think that he may be one of those good men that so many Black women seem to be unable to find.
Does King have a point? Statistically, Black men are twice as likely as Black women to date outside of their race, in fact the husband was Black in 73% of Black/White marriages. If Black men are willing to consider all of the options when it comes to finding love and Black women are not, just based on numbers doesn’t this leave some of those with hopes of finding a Black man hopeless?
Could Black women let go of the “wince” if we were open to dating men of other races or does exploring the options mean giving up on the idea of finding a good Black man?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her at www.twitter.com/ajajackson.
Reminds me of a statement Farrakhan made during his TV One interview the other night. He said, “the black woman is much more committed to the black man than the black man is to the black woman”. I thought that was very true.
Interracial dating is still not as rampant as some women claim but that statement above is true.
As a black woman, yeah it is rather disappointing to see a brotha with a white woman BUT I think we need to stop worrying about who’s dating who and why….and worry about being someone dateable instead. I know a few black women who have issues within themselves that are often why their relationships are jacked up. I speak from experience, I use to be one of them. I had to dig deep and analyze where I came from, I had to look at the relationships that my Great Grandmother, Grandmother, Mothers had with their fathers &/or husbands, I had to look at (and try to heal) the relationship that I had with my fathers & how it affected who I chose as a partner. I read and read, went to therapy and talked with folks and read some more. I read to the point where I could see that reading was just another wall that I kept up so that I wouldnt have to open up. Yes I chose a brotha who also had some issues with him and for years we went around & around like some twisted episode of Jerry Springer.
I wanted to blame him for everything that was wrong with us, his lack of commitment, his lack of communicating with me, etc. One day I just decided that this was it, I was either gonna stare my demons in the face and move forward with him, or be forever scared. I chose to do battle with the demons. My relationship with this brotha improved dramatically! He responded so positively to the “new me!”
He doesnt have 35 degrees to his name or tons of money in the bank but what he does have is a great heart! He opens car doors for me, brings me little gifts just because, sings to me to get me to smile and rubs my back when I’m in a bad mood,etc
We wouldnt be here had I not made the choices that I made, we would not be here had I decided to keep making everything his fault &/or his responsibility. I had to open up too, and once I finally did…..he then decided that he’d give me the world or at least die trying. His own words, not mine.
Very interesting. I have never dated outside of my race. I too have always envisioned my husband as a black man. There was no reason behind that. My mother is currently married to a caucasian man, one of my sisters is also married to a caucasian man. Now that I think about it there are quite a few women in my extended family that have brought salt to the table. So much so you may wonder whose family reunion it is. Because I was not married at 30 my mother sat me down and suggested I date outside my race because of the black man’s inability to provide xyz and his unwillingness to settle. My response was marriages fail in every race and because you have a few failed relationships with black men it doesn’t mean all black men will have the same issues. My father, who has only dated black women, gave his opinion that there is a shortage of black men to women due to the jails and cemetary’s taking them in. In spite of those odds I have a wonderful black man by my side. Yes you can find love across the globe which is wonderful but I never lost hope in my brothers.
One last thing: The wince is universal. My sister and mother have received it from various races when they step out with their husbands. Will it go away? Unfortunately I say No! Racial tension has not died.
My uncle once said to me, “if you have a problem with black men” raise your own. I understand why it’s hard for black women to date other races, but we really need to get over that. We think they won’t appreciate our hips, lips and hair. At first they may not understand (completely) but you can teach anyone how to deal with you. Men of all races love our bodies, minds and spirit. We need to love ourselves and accept the fact that black men don’t have to be our only option.
It’s hard, I know, but it is not an act of betrayal, it’s an act of survival. And whether you start a family with a black man, white man or asian man, your children are still black.
I love the comments!
I guess growing up in a military environment removed the whole “wince” factor for me. There were interracial and international couples EVERYWHERE. It was just a way of life, and it made me appreciate diversity in a unique way. Before I got married, I dated a Puerto Rican, a white man and a Samoan. It just so happens that the man that caught and kept my attention was a black man. (And it just so happens that they all have their own unique foibles and issues…it’s not unique to the black man).
I agree with what AJ Bell said about having black children regardless of what race you marry. I’m all for racial solidarity, but to me that does not equate to erecting racial barriers. There is a richness and beauty in every culture, and in an ideal world, it shouldn’t matter who you marry.
please do not think that dating men of other races will be the magic cure! i have dated white, asian, and hispanic men only to find they had the same issues as black men such as lack of commitment, baby mama drama, and financial problems.
About 15 years ago I was seriously involved with a white guy. we were discussing our future and our children. when i mentioned that our children would be “black”. he was SHOCKED. he said “wouldn’t they be white?”. even though he was from virginia, he had no concept of the “one drop rule”. i summed it up as “”this country has light skinned black people, not dark skinned white people”.
I think those should give up the wince…It just isn’t our business regarding who other people decide to date. Interracial dating by others never really bothered me. I guess, looking back I figure it was hard enough trying to figure out who I was going to date, much less worry about the dating preferences of others. I really felt (and maybe still feel) that the wince is born of jealousy and maybe a lack of confidence that one will find someone to love regardless of who other people (in this case black men) are dating. I know that sounds harsh, but I always find myself rolling my eyes each time I am a part of a conversation where black men are put down for dating outside of their race. I’m always thinking to myself “just worry about yourself, dear.”
LAMAR,FARAKAHN WAS RIGHT!I AM SO GLAD A BLACK MAN IN THE SPOLIGHT FINALLY SAID IT! I NEVER FELT AS IMPORTANT TO BLACK MEN THAT I HAVE KNOWN AS NONBLACK WOMEN.I AM NOT SURPRISED AT A WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW!I AM JUST 30 YEARS OLD!INTERACIAL IS NOT FOR ME BUT I NEVER CARED ABOUT BLACK MEN EITHER. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD BLACK WOMEN’S LOVE AFFAIR WITH THEM.I JUST THOUGHT WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS WITH DIFFERENT LIFE EXPIERENCES.THE MORE I GREW AND LEARNED ABOUT HISTORY I JUST SHUT DOWN. THIS IS ONE OF THE REASON’S I NEVER WANTED TO MARRY OR HAVE CHILDREN.BEING BLACK IS HARD ENOUGH.
@cherise – being black is hard, but it’s better with somebody by your side (black or white). things may be hard in 2010, but it’s nothing like it was in 1810. they held it down for us, so we’ve got to hold it down for the future.
I just have a question: Why do people say/ask this as if this is the magic cure to end the fabled “BLBW (bitter lonely black women) Syndrome?” The grass isn’t anymore green on the “other side” so to speak than it is on yours. I don’t care who you date, problems with love are universal. I never understood why we don’t think, in practice, that people of other races don’t have the same relationship issues that we (meaning black folk) do? I just want to know what makes it (dating other races) so much better that it’s almost always the very first suggestion to solve a problem? I am honestly curious, not throwing shade. What can a (insert chosen race here) offer me that a black man can’t?
@ Lamar, I saw that interview and definitely agree with that statement. It then calls into question though, does the Black woman anger come from that committment-if we weren’t so committed could we let some of that anger go?
@kh20s- Well said. Some people think that they are going to somehow leave drama behind by dating other races. Relationships between all people have drama and ups and downs, that is one thing that is universal no matter what color you are.
@Smiley, the answer to that is simple. Other races offer more options. No one is saying other races are better, it just opens your selection pool. It’s like sitting in the drive-thru line at McDonalds everyday for lunch. It’s always crowded, the same choices on the menu, and you usually pick a value meal that isn’t very good for you.
Maybe if you start going to Subway, or a salad bar, you will have more options and make better choices. Plus it’s not as crowded at the salad bar…
KH20s MAY 12 2010 8:55 am,I’d RATHER BE BY MY SELF!AND I DISAGREE!
@ AJ Bell see, but that’s not what I’m asking. Salad is Salad is salad (in my case hetero relationship) of which the base of said salad is leafy greens (men). In the salads I’ve eaten, sometimes the dressing (race) has been different , but the salad still has the same basic ingredients (love, trust, honesty, fussing, fighting, and fun). So again what does dating outside of your race offer you that so different or “better” that it seems to be the first “fix it” suggestion for black women when it comes to dating?
I was one of the women who used to “wince” when I saw a Black man with any woman of another race. It made me feel that as a Black woman there was something that we lacked or just weren’t good enough. I am sure most of us have heard how some Black men have labeled Black women as combative, unhealthy or not physically fit, mean, selfish, difficult, etc. I now know that those sentiments were made by men who may have had bad relationships with Black women and now believe that we all embody those traits. I married and divorced a Black man and have only dated Black men, not by exclusive choice, but because the opportunity to date men of other races has not presented itself. I am certainly open to dating men of other races, although I prefer Black men. I don’t want to cut myself off from finding love again.
Lamar, Minister Farrakhan’s statement is so true!
@Smiley, you are right. The problem is, most of us don’t try different salad dressings, we just put ranch on our salads. lol
What do we do when we get to the end of the salad bar and the ranch container is just about empty and has shredded carrots and egg bits off up in it? Instead of trying balsamic or thousand island, we wait for them to refill the ranch.
It’s slim pickings for quality black men…why limit ourselves to that pool? Compete against the millions of other single black women who want the same guys? It’s just about giving ourselves more options. When you have more options, you are bound to have a better selection to choose from.
@TCB, I think most black women have gotten over the fact that black men are ok with dating other races. The problem comes when they refuse to date black women, and only date other races. I honestly have a HUGE problem with those kind of men.
TCB MAY 12,2010 8:39AM, THE IT’s JUST IS NONE OF OUR BUISNESS COMMENT WAS NOT NEEDED.INTERACIAL DATING HAS ALWAYS BOTHERED ME. I DONT THINK IT IS JUST JEALOUSY OR MABEY LACK OF CONFIDENCE THAT ONE MIGHT FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE REGARDLESS WHO OTHERS[IN THIS CASE BLACK MEN ARE DATING].I DO AGREE THAT IS THE CASE SOME OF THE TIME THOUGH,DEPENDING THE INDIVDUALS AND THE PARTICULAR SITUATION.PEOPLE CANT HELP THE WAY THEY FEEL.IT’S LIKE PEOPLE WHO HATE BLACKS, THEY CANT HELP THE WAY THEY THEY FEEL!
I dated outside my race (early 20’s). . .not with the attitude or pretense that the “grass” would be “greener on the other side” because it surely wasn’t.
@ Smiley Face, You were absolutely correct when you said problems with love are universal, and the relationship issues are just the same as they would have been with a black man. I don’t know if it was just a curious phase for me or what, but I knew early into that particular relationship that it wasn’t going to be long-term. . .or so I thought. I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with that man, but I ended up with a beautiful son out of it. . .who happens to be half Italian (of Sicilian descent). When I look at my son I see a young black man regardless of his lineage.
I always knew my husband would be a strong black man though, and he is. There is just something about a black man oooooooooo wwweeeeeee!!!!! I too used to “wince” when I’d see a black man with a white woman (or some other race), but I had to stop myself dead in my tracks though because I couldn’t play both sides of the fence. I got the same winces, stares, and comments when I dated my son’s father. I’ve even gotten the wince and stares from white women OUT WITH their black men when I was by myself. (Still haven’t figured that one out). I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know that I love my husband and I love my black men! If we’d take the time and do some digging into our own individual family histories, I’m certain most of us, if not all of us, are multi-racial in some way, shape, or form, (I know I am).
Ultimately I think it’s a matter of comfort. . .we tend to get in and stay in where we fit in, and sometimes unfortunately it’s not with each other, but you and only YOU know what will and won’t work for yourself. I know for me, I had to have my Black King.
@ AJ *wink* Gotcha!
AJ BELL MAY 12,210 9:55AM ,THIS BLACK WOMEN’S PROBLEM WAS THE DESIRE FOR NONBLACK WOMEN PERIOD!YOU ARE SOMEWHAT RIGHT ABOUT THE FIRST PART THOUGH I NEVER CARED ABOUT BLACK MEN SO THERE WAS NOTHING TO GET OVER.
@ Tee. I agree with you 100% Sometimes it is us and not them. People need to stop searching for others to repair, restore, and complete them. Every women with a degree and a 7 figure job is not marriage material, in fact, some aren’t even dateable. Similarly, every man with a job is not deemed a good man.
@Smiley Face -I am as curious as you are. I think the problem is some black women have an unnecessary desire to fix problems that don’t exist. Love is to find you, there is no need for public service announcements, nightline specials, and the media pimpin Steve Harvey on behalf of black women.
Believe or not, I have no problem attracting black men. I certainly don’t go looking for them but some way, somehow they keep showing up. 🙂
Whatever happened to just wanting to be HAPPY?
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I never understood why considering options outside of your race and preferring to be with someone from your race have to be mutually exclusive. I’ve always had a preference for Black women but I’ve dated women of other races. Love is so hard to find in the world that people need to focus on deeper connections rather than this “allegiance” to one race or another.
As far as the “wince”, I don’t that will change unless the numbers change. Fact is, there are many more available Black women. I forgot the stat but I read that even if every Black man was eligible
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@ Michele and Jo we *here*
@reefinyateef “I never understood why considering options outside of your race and preferring to be with someone from your race have to be mutually exclusive.”
Me either, lol!
michele may 12 201010:01am, we know we are all of mixed ancestry,that dosent mean you keep mixing! anyway these questions are to any one who knows,why it is black men desire nonblacks just as much or in many cases more than a black woman?why are black men more likely to desire a nonblack woman than a blackwomen is to desire a nonblack man?do black men purposely have children with nonblack women so their children wont be sooooooooo black[hair\skin] or they just dont care[because i know black women do both].Are black men more colorsruck than black women or they just like other [or other looking black women/mixed,lightskinned]just as much?
As someone leaving in England , where black women are very unlikely to marry black men, the lpicture is different.
I do not mind black women choosing who they want to be in a relationship with, but when you see black men being overlooked time and time again by above average looking black , you start to wonder.
but when you have adverts in newspapers of black women wanting to date white men only, you start to feel uncomfortable.
At as if we are all runing away from the colour black, just because society tells us that
blacks are peripheral, we have internalised it all.
reefinyateef may 12 2010 10:19am,i’ve never liked black men who desired nonblack women!black men who desire nonblack women are an immediate turn off!black men who desire nonblack women make my blood run cold!i dont have to wait around while black men ,cater to,marry have children,date,praise,and pursue[ect]. every women in the world!i’ve never understood why you and people like you dont understand that!what is wrong with you people?what black women would want a black man like that unless she race mixes herself?racial allegiance has nothing to do with it!people may need to focus on deeper connections but RACE MIXING MATTERS TO MANY PEOPLE!PLEASE DO NOT DISSMISS THE HISTORY AND PRESENT DAY POLITICS OF EXTERIORS[RACE!] as for the wince,it will always exist because there will always be discomfort with interacial!we are all individuals.
Lots of great comments on this issue! Jus my 2 cents on the issue… but isn’t dating outside of your race for problems within the race – whether male or female – putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound? How about getting to the root of the matter which is the problems within the race? Running to the other side, across the street, or down the block is not the answer, the grass needs to be watered & mowed regardless of whose yard you’re standing in. We need to address the underlying issues and come up with workable solutions to fix the problems with the races in general. Dysfunction is universal not exclusive to black men or women. People are quick to mention statistics on ratios of black women to black men, but then those same people don’t mention ways we can change those disproportionate numbers. The media outlets are quick to recruit celebrities to discuss these topics and when the show is over everybody goes back to their lives…well how about taking the next episode to the communities and using that power and influence to reach out to the lost men and women. People (myself included) are quick to support causes involving children…what’s the point of correcting children then sending them back to the same environment that molded the child in the first place…let’s start at the top and work down! Although I have never dated outside my race, I believe agape love knows no color, shape, size, etc. 🙂
Good point Jennesis. Trying to fix the problem is easier said than done. The problem is not with children, it’s with grown men and women. It’s good to focus on the children because you can shape their thoughts before they become tainted or misguided adults.
I have been working on this problem for years, targeting adults. I started CHYL Entertainment http://www.chylentertainment.com to promote healthy relationships in the black community. Although there is nothing wrong with dating other races, my goal is to strengthen black homes and families. Coming up, I have an event called “Good Men Do Exist”, which is designed to showcase to single black women that there are still good single men available who love black women.
It has been a bit of a challenge getting as many black men as I need for this event, and I have opened it up the panel for men of all races, as long as they love black women. I’ll be able to speak better of the intentions of black men after the event, but from experience of my past events, it’s not as easy to develop a relationship with a black man as we want it to be. Just my 2 cents…
@speaktough Such a different perspective. I have never heard nor taken into account the fact that the scenario may be flipped in other countries so it is interesting to hear that brothers overseas may be experiencing some of what Black women here are feeling.
“At as if we are all runing away from the colour black, just because society tells us that
blacks are peripheral, we have internalised it all.”- Deep and sadly sometimes true statment.
@ AJ…sorry if my point wasn’t clear but my intent was to state that the adults are the problem and in need of the help, not the children. Children do have problems but it’s usually because they are being guided by misguided adults. I agree that fixing it is easier said than done…it’s a tough job but somebody has to do it, we can’t do little or ignore it and hope that things will get better. I commend you for starting your organization and doing your part. I have plans for an organization with a similar goal. We need more people like you doing and not just talking or listening!!!!! 🙂
@ Cherise, so are you saying that I should have chosen not to have my son because his father isn’t black? He certainly wasn’t planned, I was on birth control, but it’s also not his fault that he’s here. The reasons I chose to have him are my own. I would have made the same choice had his father been a black man.
My husband is dark-skinned. I’m a medium tone. We have five sons altogether (two teenagers and the other three under the age of ten). Four are light-skinned, and the other one is slightly darker. I know that when they grow up and start dating they are going to have their own preferences. I would love to see them with young black women. . .including my half black/half Italian son. Not to satisfy my own desires for them because it’s not up to me. I want them to date (and/or eventually marry) a strong black woman who is truly going to have their back, one who is not afraid to give her all. I love my husband deeply, and I love him fiercely, and I will do whatever it takes to honor him and our marriage, and our sons see this on a daily basis. Our black love is strong, and it’s true and it shines through each one of them. There’s no reason why they can’t have or deserve to have the same thing, it’s a choice.
i have dated outside of my race and a jerk is a jerk no matter the color of the skin. i think we as black woman should keep an open mind on love and not judge because we think they are the wrong race. Sanya Lathan was in that movie with that white dude and if she had not opened up her heart to the possibilities she would have never found her true love. i know thats a movie. but what has for you is for you is for you and if you are not open to receive that blessing,if your reception of the blessing has conditions then if you lose it, you lose.
I personally as a black man feel that the best choice out there for a black man is a black woman. I am married to a black woman. I have always seen myself being married to a black woman. BUT…I think that people should find who they can be the most happy with reguardless of race. With that bein said, I also think that as black men you should try a black woman first. That should always be your First Option. A black woman understands a black man like no other woman can. Like it or not it’s the truth. We (black men) need to put the black woman on the same pedestal they have all theres other women of other races on. For me I think that God Broke the Mold when he made a black woman. For example Look at how all these women of other races are tryin to get the features that black women are already born with…..Full lips Thick hips etc… So why chase women of other races who are chasing to be what you already have in your own race. Last but not least…. Black men please stop sayin that the black woman’s attitude is the problem…..The real problems is that you don’t know how to be real men and take charge if you put your foot down and have a back bone you willn’t have any problems….ME and my WIFE are very happy she is my partner and we carry each other the way a BLACK MAN and BLACK WOMAN should…..
Well,This is the bottom line,on my belief….On black women dating outside they race,it shouldn’t matter,what color of they skin,what really matter, are you comfortable,with being with that person? when you’re in the public eyessight,can you deal with the starving,or the whisping?…Right then,You’re in love with that person,and not the negative feedback of other,As you grow you learn,different strokes,for different folks,Dating outside the race is happening all over the globes now, there no more secret,We are free now to date whose ever we choice…but regardly of what race, all women love harder,then a men anywhere,so do it really matter? Over my years,i often heard a lot of ladies say,when they break up with a black men,that they has some many problem with,that they refer to have a white men,cause of the way they treat they ladies…I want to say,what part of america,are you living in,are you living in a fantasies world,,it’s not that a white men,treat they women any different,it that some ladies,know how to respect,and appreciate they men,and that it’s some ladies,don’t know how to have a hush mouth,and listening…Don’t get me wrong,I said…Some women….
@MichaelMartin, thanks for the wonderful post. I’m always encouraged to read about other black men in strong marriages. Only point I want to talk about is “trying a black woman first”. The women that I dated, who were not exclusively Black, I met through friends, or bars, book stores, etc. While interaction happened differently, they were all natural and some went farther than others. Hell, I met my wife at a restaurant! The relationships with the other women helped shape me, and I definitely would have missed out on them if I was focused on Black women first and every one else as a second option. Sometimes you bump into the right person and that potential love shouldn’t be looked for because a person in the zone for race A only.
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I guess I am the only black woman here who is in an inter racial marriage. No, the case isnt greener on the other side. Men are men at the end of the day. Its about two people who have the most things in common making the decision to be together. Sometimes I ask myself if I had to do it over again, would I stay in my race? I dont answer that question because I love my husband very much.
Personally, I dont like the tone of the debate that is raging about black women dating inter racially. It usually begins with a long list of the wrongs of black men. If that is the basis of your relationship with any man than that is just terrible.
I dont believe the pool of available black men is slim. The same factors that would take black men out of the game will take some black women out of the game too.
Are black women loyal? Some say we are as loyal as our options. What is the likelihood of us dating out as opposed to waiting for the fabled unicorn of a good black man? I know if I went out and tried to look for a non black man to marry, I would be waiting a lot longer for him than I would be if I just wanted a black man.
Its about odds. The only surplus of men that actually exist are Chinese and Indian men. Any takers?
Could Black women let go of the “wince†if we were open to dating men of other races or does exploring the options mean giving up on the idea of finding a good Black man?
I must say that I find it telling that not many black American men are responding to this, and the one who did pointed out a statement from one of my spiritual masters that are really telling: “the black woman is much more committed to the black man than the black man is to the black womanâ€. In my mind, I dont understand why on Gods earth, would ANYBODY from ANY race/tribe/ethnic group insist in hanging onto to someone who doesnt share the same degree of commitment and loyalty to their own self preservation. Wake up people! So my answer is NO. My husband is black; however he isnt from this country. I will be telling my daughter, and any person I truly care about to look outside of the black American community. People have a right to date, mate, and procreate with whomever they choose for whatever reason they choose. We live in a democracy. I personally believe that its downright evil, selfish, and uncompassionate to NOT encourage black women to expand their options.
Ok, I said I was going to let this subject go, because I do support interracial dating. However, I have made several attempts at it, and there is a difference. I can’t get past the initial phone call.
Quick story, I met a white guy at his place of business. He flirted with me, and I flirted back, mainly to get a discount on my purchase. He had my contact information because he needed to call and tell me when I could pick up my car. When he called, he asked me out (sorta). He asked if he could see me the next evening (a Tuesday), offering to cook dinner for me at his home and afterwards we could go swimming in his pool or just sit in his hot tub.
Stop the presses… there was so much wrong with that request. First of all, my first date is not going to be at your house, and certainly not in anyones pool!! Second, what black woman who has to be at work Wednesday morning is going swimming Tuesday night? He had no clue why I would not want to mess up my hair on a Tuesday evening…
I never went out with him, not because of the hair thing, but because of the “date location” thing. I thought it was funny (at the time) but it did remind me why I love black men so much…to each his own…
Your experience AJ has brought to mind reminders for me personally as to why I would find it hard to be with anyone other than a black man. Yes there is & probably always will be ‘the hair issue.’ I’ve had to endure way too much stupidity from non-blacks when it comes to hair. Why this, why that, does it do this, is it that, can you a,b,c…can you x, y, z, etc etc. Ok maybe curiosity is a better word to use but the fact remains that that has always gotten on my nerves. On the surface, I’ve tried to be more supportive of people finding love wherever it can be found but in my gut I am seeing that I don’t really approve of it. I do find it a little sad to say that but I need to be honest with myself. Whether its a black man with a white woman or hispanic woman or a black woman with a hispanic man or a white man…I often wonder why could HE/SHE as a black person find what they needed within their own race?? Don’t get me wrong, I dont sneer at them or make rude comments under my breathe but I do sit back & wonder if its even real. I wonder if this black man dislikes his own people, is he ashamed of his african features, etc. I then wonder if this black woman has unresolved father issues that make it hard for her to be involved with someone of her own race, etc. Just thoughts……………………..
you know what folks men are men at the end of the day and whether they are black or white does not really matter. no good comes in all shades,races,creeds,religions. if that man hits you,does it matter that he is black or white,will it hurt less if he is black,will it hurt less if he cheats and is black, if he is seeing more than one woman will it hurt less if he is black? a dawg is a dawg and abuser is an abuser and a cheater is a cheater no matter what he looks like. i will encourage my children to date whom they will and marry the one that treats them the best. my black sons and daughters will date who ever treats them like the king or queen that they are. color is not a deciding factor for them. my daughter is liking a guy from another culture and my son is sweet on this young lady of another color. i tell them both makes sure they treat you good,real good, and are never disrepectful or hurtful to you, and if they are let them go. i married someone who loved me above all and that is all that mattered.
@Tee
As someone who is black and in an inter racial marriage I have to admit that it isnt that serious. All of your hypothesis usually dont explain why people date inter racially. They will explain why people date poorly be it inter racial or intra racial.
I’m deeply amazed at this world. I’m just a 17 year old (soon to be 18) black boy from the south, looking for the good in this upside down world. Needless to say I’m still searching.
I like women period. Race and nationality need not apply. I don’t understand how some of our sistas can dislike or even hate us for simply liking women of other backgrounds. Cherise, you offend me deeply, but I bear no animosity towards you. We still got love for ya’ll, and that should go without saying. I’ve never payed attention to race when it came to dating.
attraction is simply that; attraction. It knows no difference between colors. I always saw everyone as just being human beings, despite the teachings of my mother and grandparents.
Ya’ll sistas need to be free to love at any given moment. You never know who you might spend the rest of your life with, when and where you might meet him, or his race. But if you limit yourself, and pursue a restricted mindset, then you are only making things harder for yourself.
Ii’m not sure what to tell some of my sistas out there. But some changes have to be made as far as your outlook on race before you can truly find peace with yourself and the world around you. You’ll find that love is much easier to locate that way.
To those of you who disregard the “expectations” our races silently push on us as far as dating, and pursue happiness for you, I commend you.
I wish this world was a little more enlightened.
LOST,I AM NOT YOUR SISTER AND YOU OFFEND ME DEEPLY.YOU CAN KEEP YOUR LOVE.I HAVE NO LOVE FOR YOU.THE TONE IN WHICH YOU WRITE COMES OFF ATAGONIZING AND CONDESCENDING. I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE NOT FAMILY!YOU AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU MAKE ME GLAD I NEVER HAD CHILDREN.THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE TO ENCOURAGE BLACK WOMEN TO DATE INTERACIALLY.WE WONT BOTHER YOU OR BLACK MALES LIKE YOU IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT.SO DONT PATRONIZE US!DONT TELL BLACK WOMEN WHAT WE NEED TO DO!YOU AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU NEED TO MIND YOUR DAMN BUISNESS! INTERACIAL IS NOT FOR EVERYONE!SPEAKING FOR MYSELF I DONT LOVE BLACK MALES, I JUST DONT DESIRE NONBLACK MALES!I NEVER CARED ABOUT BLACK MALES!I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN AND I NEVER WANTED TO GET MARRIED. I GREW,EXPIERENCED LIFE[BLACKMALES]LEARNED HISTORY .
Cherise, it’s like I said earlier, I don’t bear animosity towards you. I refuse to.
I’m not telling anyone what they need to do; I’m just giving them an option to take.
I am minding my business. But when a subject comes up that is related to my business, I jump in.
I know you’re going to take this the wrong way, but I think you may have some internal conflict or something along those lines.
Despite what you may have felt my voice was coming off as, I am none of those things. I’m simply relaxed actually.
I really wish I could coexist more peacefully with people like you.
I guess I’ll keep wishing
My husband and I had this debate the other night. I told him that most black women get mad when they see a black man with a white woman because are pickings are already limited. Black men with muliple mothers to their kids, rap sheets, gay, drug users, abusers, non motivated, DL, selfish. I know there are good black men out there but a large majority wants a non black woman and won’t even consider a black woman. My husband got some slack from his friends when we got married, not all his associates knew me and they thought he sold out. My skin is white but I am mixed. I identify more with my black side because my dad is black and he raised me and my siblings. Me and my siblings are light but we all married black spouses, except for a sister who has brown skin, she married a white man. Interracial couples have become the norm. I have every right to marry a white man as I did a black man, but I prefer black. The majority of black women will continue to stay loyal and only date black men. Do I see anything wong with that? Sometimes because some are not getting a good black man but sacrificing so they don’t go outside their race. I don’t see anything wrong with a black women dating/marrying outside her race but I hope it’s for love and compatibility and not trying to make up for what the black man didn’t give her. I know this is unfair to say, but I am glad that my brown skin children have mates that look like them. Growing up my dad had white gfs and the first thing out of their mouth in a argument is the “n” word. I know everybody in a interracial relationship are not that immature, but let’s get real, most people hit below the belt durning a argument. It’s ok me and my siblings banned together and kicked a couple of the white women to the curb. LOL. Sorry dad, he never knew why they left so quickly. To be fair my dad does currently have a white gf for the last 6 or 7 yrs. We love her because she is not close to any of our ages. LOL.
Something else to add to this discussion is that many of us assume that interracial automatically means a black man/ white American woman or black woman/white American man. For those of us who have actually lived and worked abroad we had have access to eligible bachelors/bachelorettes from all over the world. I have a strong military family on my Dads side. I have relatives who are married to folks from Denmark, Italy, Indonesia, W. Africa, S. Africa, Brazil, and Egypt.
I dont understand why this concept is so hard to grasp: our creator is not limited therefore we are not limited. The world is full of possibilities. Its up to each individual to take advantage of those possibilities including marrying a quality person from any race/ethnicity you want to. Interracial marriage because a “problem†only when its black women. At one time, marriage used to belong to the community. This was a time when people functioned with narrowly defined terms of community. I dont believe there is a black community but more of a black population.
I will be telling my daughter and friends that they are not limited and they have a right to be with whoever they want to for any reason they want to just like other human beings do—that being a brown skinned person doesnt mean you dont have a right to your personal happiness.
The majority of black women will continue to stay loyal and only date black men. Do I see anything wong with that? Sometimes because some are not getting a good black man but sacrificing so they dont go outside their race. I dont see anything wrong with a black women dating/marrying outside her race but I hope its for love and compatibility and not trying to make up for what the black man didnt give her.
__________________________________ Anna
Would you say this to a black man? What about a Mexican man or an Arab man? Or is this only for black women?
What is your proof that black women will remain loyal to black men?
Why do black women half to have “MORAL” reasons for dating.marrying out but black men can PUBLICLY : debase, disparage, and demean the entire population of black women including their OWN mothers? Black men have a sordid history of doing this: ALL black women are fat, ALL black women are emasculating, ALL black women are combative, ALL black women________ in the black. This is psychological violence and as a BLACK woman who is not only interculturally married but has travelled abroad, the elite in other socieites don’t disparage their own people, especially their women/mothers. What is wrong with US that continue to do this?
Like black men who are HUMAN first, black women have the right to date and marry who so ever they choose for ANY reason: that’s apart of being an adult, you don’t half to explain your life choices to ANYONE but your creator.
Peace
@BusyBee
There is lots of evidence that suggests that black women have been and continue to be primarily interested in black men. I will not use the word loyalty. I prefer rice and beans because its tasty not because I am loyal. Now despite all that you have said about black men they still continue to date and marry black women. You know, white men have historically said some pretty not so nice things to and about black women. You wouldnt hold it against them would you? Please dont talk about what all black men say or do. Anyone can turn that record over and I doubt very much you would like the sound it plays.
Enough with the straw man. No one is telling black women who to date and who not to date. A convenient excuse to explain the impasse many black women find themselves in. If youre human first, than the black man’s behavior should not be apart of the discussion.
Also its only in the black community that you have the luxury of being woman first. Once you live the black community youre black before you are anything else. Move to a predominately black country. You will immediately feel the difference.
Personally I think your attitude is kinda negative for a site like this.