Dear Dr. Buckingham,
Please, I need your candid advice. I’m a 30-year-old lady, salary earner, previously married in 2008 to a man who never really appreciated me.
Two years later, the marriage crashed but I have two daughters to show for it, though they are presently with their father. We never went through a court process to obtain a proper divorce. He just disappeared with the children and I have not been able to see him nor my children since then.
This has been a problem to me since then in terms of keeping a long lasting relationship. Most guys I’ve been meeting since then always break up with me once I tell them my story, leaving me broken hearted and full of regrets.
About three months ago, I met this guy who professes true love to me. We first met in my office. He is four years older than me. After a couple of dates, I told him my story, and to my great surprise, he said that was no problem to him. He came from a broken home himself. I didn’t really like him initially but decided to give him a try because he’s the only guy that has really accepted my predicament.
But the problem is that he has no stable job and is not even concentrating on any particular thing, even though he’s a graduate. He lives in one single room.
He’s also into a number of things. He claims he works as a personal assistant to a top government official (a woman) but on no fixed payment.
She only gives him contract jobs to do once in a while. He’s into graphic designing but has little or nothing to show for it. Presently, he’s writing a movie script, which he says he’s going to produce single-handedly.
I’m beginning to love him but the problem is that my friends don’t think he’s the man for me. They keep saying I am going to make a second mistake with him. Their reason is that he has no stable job and is not even bent on getting one; that he’s a jack of all trades and master of none, and as such they don’t see him as a serious-minded person.
They also feel that he’s just looking for a lady with a steady job to lean on. They say he can’t seriously be thinking of settling down and yet is still living in one single room, even at his age. They feel he’s a gold-digger.
Dr. Buckingham please help me because I’m totally confused now. I don’t know if I’m accepting him because he doesn’t care about my past, even when I am not properly divorced. (I only divorced traditionally by returning the bride-price to my ex family.) Also, there is pressure on me to get married again. We’re already considering getting married in August. Please, I don’t want to make another mistake. Should I Get Married Again if I am Feeling Extremely Anxious? Help me. Thanks.
Ms. Anxious
Dear Ms. Anxious,
Thanks for asking me to be direct.
Do not get married until you are healed.
It appears that you are looking for validation and acceptance from any many who will accept you. Be careful because any manipulative and smooth talking man can see that you are vulnerable.
Your past story is not resolved and you are looking to start another story. I am not sure how to put closure to your previous marriage, but I would highly recommend that you spend your time trying to.
You are not legally divorced and any decent “Christian and God-fearing” man would not get involved with you until your marriage is dissolved.
This guy is bad news. Not because he is a bad guy, but because he does not appear to be compatible with you.
Why settle for a “fixer up” when you can get a new model.
I encourage you to date men who meet your professional or personal criteria. Money is not everything, but a man with vision and a well thought out plan is. If you are not pleased with his free flowing spirit, you should not marry him.
Your ability to provide for yourself financially is great, but no man wants to be with a woman who is unstable emotionally. The common theme in your situation is instability. Your guy friend is not stable financially and you are not stable emotionally. Please consider working on yourself before you entertain marriage again.
You get what you accept in your life so be careful about what and whom you allow in your life.
If you want and desire stability, get some help and work to resolve your anxiety and confusion. You should never make a decision when you are confused. Please do not allow your predicament to guide your decision-making. Give yourself some time to get clarity about your current situation.
There is saying that a woman’s heart does not lie. If your heart is troubled, you are probably making the wrong decision. Anxiety is best defined as a state of uncertainty and unease.
If this feeling is present, you should resolve it before making any decisions. Life and love offers no guarantee and there is no such thing as a perfect man or woman. However, listen to your intuition. If you continue to feel unease and anxious, please contact me and I will help you.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.