Dr. Buckingham,
I am speaking from the wife’s point of view. My husband and I have a similar story to this couple. Some details ring true, my husband had inappropriate text messages with a former neighbor and lied about it when I gave him the opportunity to discuss my suspicions. I have a very strong gut reaction that tells me when something is not right. Earlier in our marriage he had an inappropriate conversation with a fellow church member at a party I did not attend, which resulted in her passing on her phone number to him. That was the first time my gut instinct kicked in.
We have been married 12 years and have an 11 year old son. I am no longer in love with my husband. He has been jealous and makes accusations that I am sneaky and untrustworthy. His words actually make me wish I were that girl looking to cheat and sneak around behind his back. Not my M.O., I can’t remember what I had for breakfast this morning. I would be a lousy cheater.
I don’t want a divorce, mostly for my son’s sake. However, this marriage feels like a prison because he needs me to be someone I am not. He has had inappropriate interactions (texting/accepting a phone number) with women I know and the jealousy is unbearable. It’s insulting because I have been nothing but faithful to him, raised his three daughters and now raising his two grandsons and our son. And, I can’t be trusted to have dinner with a girlfriend or a private conversation with our pastor?
What do you do when you have fallen out of love with your husband, but not looking to break up my son’s family unit?
Thank you, Kim C
Dear Kim C,
It is important for you to spend some more time deciding what you want. You stated, “I don’t want a divorce mostly for my son’s sake. However, this marriage feels like a prison because my husband needs me to be someone I am not.”
It is not uncommon for women to sacrifice their own happiness to make others happy, especially their spouses and children. While this selfless behavior is noteworthy, it can be very unhealthy for all that are involved. I say this to remind you that children are like sponges. They absorb our linkage both good and bad. If you are not happily married, know that your son is aware of and affected by your emotional disposition. Remaining married so that you do not break up your son’s family unit might sound like the right thing to do, but do not minimize the potential negative consequences of exposing him to an unhealthy relationship.
You have to consider your son’s present situation and future. Each child responds differently to divorce and/or being raised in an unhealthy family unit. No one can predict or accurately determine how your son will be affected by your decision to remain married or to leave. Given this, I strongly recommend that you consider what could be done to repair your marriage. Remind your husband that the both of you have an obligation to love each other, not only because it is the Godly thing to do, but because your son’s future prosperity might depend on it. Sometimes love can be restored by empathizing with the love in the hearts of our children. You and your husband brought your son into this world. This means that the both of you have responsibilities and obligations to him. Not just to remain married on his behalf, but to make your marriage as good as possible.
If you desire to save your family, please seek family counseling to help you repair your relationship. Before you throw the towel in, make sure that you have done everything within your power to rekindle your love. Deal with your problems head on and see what happens. If you cannot find happiness in your marriage, do not let your son deter you from doing what is best for you. Your personal happiness is just as important as your son’s and husband’s happiness.
Love is restoreable for couples who cherish and nurture their relationships.
The only way to fall back in love with your husband again is to explore the problems in your marriage and take responsibility for the role you might have played in creating your marital discord. Also, hold your husband accountable and demand that he works on his insecurity, trust and respect issues. If, after attending counseling, your emotional disposition does not improve then move on knowing that you did what was in the best interest of all. I wish you the best and hope that you seek counseling. It can make a difference. I trust and believe in the benefits that one can receive from seeking professional counseling because I have helped hundreds of couples develop love again and save what appeared to be unsalvageable marriages. Love is restoreable for couples who cherish and nurture their relationships.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post