I personally think a healthy fear benefits the parent/child relationship. When I was coming up, my mother had “the look” and we knew right away we either needed to straighten up or there would be consequences. Those consequences ranged from belt spankings to punishments. All of which shaped me into the woman I am today. I am grateful for the lessons and the discipline I received. As stated in Proverbs 13:24 “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” Children require instruction, guidance and yes, discipline. Along with all of the above, should our children also fear us?
It always troubles my spirit whenever I witness certain types of public disciplining. Yelling, cursing out and belittling a child is never necessary. My children have never behaved in a way that generated that type of response. I understand some of us are parenting the only way we know how, but we must be mindful of the lasting effects our words and actions have on our children.
I recently observed two very different parenting styles and wondered about the future of each of the children involved.
The first occurred during a cheerleading competition. Apparently the child (who by the way looked to be about 14 or 15 years old) must have wandered off or didn’t return to his seat as promptly as his mom instructed. Whatever he had apparently done definitely didn’t deserve the tongue lashing he received. This mother proceeded to curse this young man out, loud enough for the whole section to hear it. There were quite a few MFers thrown around and several threats of violence issued. I recognize this mother’s goal is to have her son obey her commands, but I question her approach. I am not sure that tearing him down in an auditorium full of people will help shape into the man she’s likely hoping he will become. It might do just the opposite.
The other incident happened during a recent visit to the playground. A mother and her young daughter, who was probably about 7, were on the other side of the disciplining spectrum. This mother unfortunately struggled with getting her daughter to obey her requests. The mother told the child several times it was time they headed home and each time the girl completely ignored her as she continued to move from the swings to the monkey bars and back to the swings. I watched in amazement as this mother begged and pleaded until finally, she got in her car and started to drive away, without the child. At that moment the little girl finally stopped playing and ran toward her mother’s car. The mother stopped and allowed the child to hop in. I immediately wondered how often this must happen and again, the message that’s being sent to the child. That fear we hope to instill can occasionally backfire.
Parenting is one of the most challenging responsibilities we’ll ever have. We aren’t provided an instruction manual the moment we deliver. We are on our own trying to figure this out while praying we get it right. If raising responsible adults is our ultimate goal, it must show up in how we parent. Children need to know there are rules they must abide by, and ramifications for behaviors that fall short. However, disciplining must be done with love.
BMWK, should your children fear you?