You’ve been dating for four months, but it’s not ‘official’. You like him, buuut…you don’t know if you like-him-like-him.
This is the predicament Sarafyna is in (her girls call her Fe’). He’s into her. She’s interested in him. But she doesn’t know if she should move things forward as a friend—or as a boyfriend. And this is not an issue of picking someone who’s bad for her vs. someone who’s good for her. He has 85 percent of what she wants. But she doesn’t know if she should wait for Mr. 90 percent—or even Mr. 100 percent?
Is it okay to not like someone 100 percent and move forward? Can Mr. 85 percent qualify for boyfriend status? Or should you not settle and wait for Mr. 100 percent to show up in your life?
The answers to these questions don’t lie with Mr. 85 percent. The answers lay with Fe’—or you—if you find yourself in the same quandary. Here are three important factors you need to consider to answer those questions and determine whether you’re settling or not.
1. 100 Percent is a Fairy Tale
You’ve heard of a soul mate, right? You’ve also probably heard people say, “I married my best friend.” Even in those ideal situations, I guarantee you those women (and men) are not getting 100 percent of what they want out of their mate. That’s because society has built your expectations so high, they have us duped, thinking that there’s someone out there that is 100 percent of what you’re looking for. LIE-ZAH! Just like you’re not the 100 percent perfect person, neither is he. Even if he’s your soulmate, no one is perfect. There’s still a percentage of things he’s lacking. So don’t set your expectations that high. Mature women know you have to accept both the 85 percent good and the 15 percent bad in a person and make the relationship work the with the percentage in your favor.
2. Know What You Can and Can’t Live With
My wife, BerNadette, tells women this all the time. What she means is, there are certain things you can deal with and certain things that are deal breakers. For my wife, lying was a deal breaker for her. But for you, those deal breakers could be his cleanliness, his career ambition, if he’s interested in having children, if he already has children. You have to know who you are well enough to know what your deal breakers are. If that 15 percent contains those deal breakers, then no matter how much of the 85 percent you like, that 15 percent will irk your nerves so much that it negates the other 85 percent.
3. Find Out What’s Holding You Back
If you like him but there’s something holding you back, then you need to pump the brakes and find out what it is. What are you afraid of? It might be something in him that’s sending off subconscious warning signals—signals the conscious part of your brain hasn’t interpreted yet. Give yourself some time and space to allow the conscious part of your brain to adequately analyze those warning signals. However, if those feelings have nothing to do with him (and it’s your hesitation to commit), then you should stop wasting his time and cut things off. If you’re not feeling the chemistry, and you can’t get past it, then you’re only hurting him by continuing to give him mixed signals.
If you’re a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kind of chick, then make it clean and quick. Don’t belabor the point. His feelings will be hurt, but he will respect you for it. But if you don’t like confrontation and want to avoid it, start pulling back in the amount of time you’re spending with him. Then hit ’em with the, “We need to talk” preface to broach the topic. He’ll know it’s coming. Be honest with him. Tell him the truth why you want to call it off, but be respectful of his feelings.
Knowing who the right person is for you sometimes feels like playing three-card Monte. You think you correctly followed all the moving pieces to ensure you pick the right one. But then you find out that you picked a Joker instead of your King. That’s why knowing what you can and can’t live with is the key to finding out what’s holding you back. Once you find that out, you’ll be able to determine if Mr. 85 percent is perfect for you, or if you’re settling.
But be mindful, if you trade Mr. 85 percent in for a future Mr. 100 percent, you might only be Ms. 85 percent to him. Or, Mr. 100 percent might not appear, and you might end up with Mr. 0 percent. So choose wisely.
BMWK, is 85 percent of what you want in a man enough for you, or is it settling?