If you’re using dating apps to meet with eligible singles, you’ve probably lived these scenarios.
Does this sound familiar? Swipe right if…
He looks good on paper but he’s not mentally stimulating in real life. FRUSTRATING!
Swipe left. Swipe right.
He was a great conversationalist on the phone but didn’t make you laugh when you went out to dinner on your first date. IRRITATING!
Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.
Oh, this guy looks great! But then you notice it says he has kids, he’s divorced and he has a bachelor’s degree and you have a JD. DISAPPOINTING!
Can you relate?
I know it’s frustrating when the men you want don’t show up in your dating app and this keeps happening. I can tell you how to solve this problem–if you’re open and ready to turn things around in your favor – forever.
I have a unique perspective, not just as someone who has met & married my husband in 11 months, but also as a professionally trained matchmaker and dating coach who has helped smart, successful sistas get married, end up in long-term relationships, and have an active dating life after not being on a real date in years.
In other words, I’ve seen what happens when you get clear on what should and shouldn’t be a deal breaker in dating.So let’s clarify: What counts as a deal breaker?
My rule of thumb is this: If it can be changed (and it’s not something that brings you harm like these 7 things), then it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. You might move it from your “must have” list to your preferences, and be willing to compromise so that you can at least get to a first date before you decide the man isn’t interesting to you.
Let’s have a quick coaching session. Are these common deal breakers on your list?
- He must be 6 feet or taller
- No bad breath
- Has an advanced college degree
- Works out 6 days per week
- Is Vegan
- Goes to Bible study regularly
- Makes me laugh
- Is ambitious & wants to build an empire
- Credit score over 750
- No kids, never married, my age
At first glance, this list of must-haves and deal breakers seems perfectly fine. That is until you remember the man who is educated…isn’t always exciting.
The man who is exciting…isn’t always financially stable.
The man who is stable…isn’t always consistent.
The man who is consistent…isn’t always intellectually stimulating.
The man who is intellectually your equal…isn’t always a 10 on the physically attractive scale.
And on it goes.
The fact is, you’ll always be able to find a quality a man doesn’t have, so relying on a list, or an image in your head of how your dream man should look and make you feel, could cause you to lose out on potentially great partners.
There are already a lot of things out of your control in dating and relationships. Timing–when you’ll meet, how long you’ll date, when you’ll get married – is something you can’t just make happen. So saying NO all the time because the person who asked you out doesn’t look exactly like the person you’re used to dating, is literally slamming the door to LOVE. You end up spending all your time searching for a fantasy you’ve created in your head, while avoiding the actions that will actually help you meet a person who actually exists and wants to date you.
Ask yourself this: How has dating your type worked out for you in the past? Has it resulted in healthy, lasting relationships where you feel cherished, loved, and safe? If it hasn’t, I invite you to be open to dating different types of men so you can have new experiences. To do that, you actually have to go out on a date.
I know it’s not easy being a smart woman who has standards, and when you look out into the dating pool, many of the men just don’t measure up to your expectations. I just don’t want you to be picky because you’re more flaw-focused than you are strengths-focused.
As April Beyer says, “a woman who is ready [for love] is selective. A woman who is not is picky.”
I want you to be a selective woman. That means your energy is open, welcoming, accepting and confident. You’re willing to compromise on the things that don’t really matter to the success of a relationship like a man’s height and, as a result, you have lots of options in your dating pool. Then you can turn men down when they ask you out based on whether they share your values instead of whether or not they wore the right shoes to the date.
BMWK, how will you revise your deal breaker list? What are you willing to compromise on?