by Tara Pringle Jefferson
My fourth wedding anniversary is in three days (woo hoo!) and I can’t help but notice that as our relationship has matured, our disagreements (and the aftermath) have become so much more pleasant. Everything is much calmer, and I feel like we’ve turned a corner. We’ve learned how to give each other the love we desire, in the love language the other speaks fluently.
But don’t get it twisted – we’ve made our share of mistakes in this relationship. All of them were painful at the time, and at times I felt those mistakes would leave a permanent black eye on our marriage.
Well, I was half-right. These mistakes did leave a mark on our marriage, but in a good way. Here’s three of the biggest mistakes we made – and how it transformed us into better lovers, better friends, better partners.
Mistake #1 – Trying too hard to be right
When we had a disagreement before, I made sure I came armed with the facts. I knew my husband was a very rational guy – if I laid out the facts in front of him, then he would have no choice but to sit back and admit I was right. But this approach never seemed to work. The more I tried to be rational and get him settled on my side of the argument, the more he pushed back and insisted my facts weren’t facts at all.
How We Fixed It: Made the problem the problem
In my approach, I realized my husband wasn’t hearing my argument – all he heard was, “You’re wrong – here’s why.” In truth, that’s exactly what I was saying, but I didn’t understand that. Instead of focusing making the problem winnable, I focused on making sure the problem was solved. My husband focused on making sure he didn’t shut me out and worked to the end on a solution we both could live with.
Mistake #2 – Giving half-hearted apologies or not apologizing at all
When I was upset, I needed more than a simple “I’m sorry” to calm me down. My husband didn’t understand this and was the master of the “I’m sorry if your feelings were hurt but you know it wasn’t my intention…” pseudo-apology. As a result, he would think a matter was settled and I was still waiting for the “real apology” to come. We’d be stuck in limbo for a week or more.
How We Fixed It: Learned our languages of apology
In Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Languages of Apology, he (along with co-author Jennifer Thomas) outlines the five basic ways people are conditioned to accept apologies (click the link above to learn more). Once I read that and learned that I was not, in fact, crazy for wanting my husband to express regret for the offense, it helped us settle arguments much more efficiently.
Mistakes #3 – Letting the kids have center stage in our marriage
Now this one was a tough one for a couple reasons – the biggest one being that we already had a six-month-old daughter when we tied the knot, so we’ve been parents longer than we’ve been husband and wife. But we surrendered to the sleep exhaustion and focused mainly on making sure our kids were happy, healthy and intelligent. But somewhere in the early postpartum months with baby #2, we realized there were more toys in our room than in theirs. We hadn’t been on a decent date in a months. If we managed to grab Chinese food and a Netflix movie, we were doing something big.
How We Fixed It: Made our marriage a focal point through a regular date night
For a couple months now, we’ve had a standing date every Friday night. Every Friday. This is thanks in part to my wonderful parents who don’t mind watching our kids overnight fairly regularly. I realize that we weren’t that different from a lot of parents once kids enter the picture. Kids suck up a lot of your time, money, and energy – often leaving your marriage snagging at the bottom of the list. But as soon as you realize this might be the case, all it takes it one small declaration to get it back on track – that’s what we’ve learned.
What are some mistakes you’ve made in your relationship – and how have they made your relationship stronger?
Tara Pringle Jefferson is managing editor of BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com. She’s also the author of Make It Happen: The Young Mommy Guide To Creating The Career You Crave. Follow her on Twitter or check out her blog for her insights on what it means to be a mom, wife, student, writer, and about three other labels she’s too tired to remember.