by Aja Jackson
sub?mit
[suhb-mit] ““verb (used with object)
1. |
to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively). |
Since my husband and I moved into our new home in August we have locked horns about the neutral wall color to use throughout the house. I, after spending way more time than one person should watching HGTV and reading home design magazines, feel that I have come up with the perfect blend of alternating French Vanilla and Dominican Satin. My husband, who will actually be the one doing the painting, wants to use one color throughout, claiming that alternating the colors will cost him more time and effort in having to change brushes, and that the alternating colors will make the house look like a crayon box.
As innocuous as it seems, the decision has been the source of more than one heated debate over the last few weeks. No matter how eloquent the argument for one option or the other, neither one of us is budging. So now we have two options: 1) continue to argue forever with the rooms painted their current shade of faded eggshell or 2) one of us will have to submit to the other.
This is not the first, and I’m certain it will not be the last time that my husband and I don’t see eye-to-eye on something for which there is seemingly no compromise. Two slightly different shades of neutral don’t seem to be enough to cause trouble at home, but how often do problems begin between a couple with small issues where neither partner is willing to back down. We see it all the time when celebrity couples divorce citing “irreconcilable differences”. Whatever the issue was, there was no compromise, and no one was willing to give in.
These days, submission to another person is often equated with weakness. Strong, Black men don’t want to look “whipped” for giving in; strong, Black women have been told over and over again not to bow down to anyone. While there are times when you truly need to stand your ground, the truth is that there are moments in a marriage when it is necessary to put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own, if only to keep the peace. In a healthy relationship, most issues will reach a compromise, and one person won’t constantly be submitting to the other.
I am the first one to admit that to “submit” can be a difficult concept to grasp. The dictionary offers several synonyms to the word that can sometimes make it feel a little easier, like comply, agree, and yield.
But it only offers one alternative:
Antonyms:
1. fight.
BMWK family, what do you think about submission to your spouse? Is there a negative spin put on it by society? Are you submissive?
King James says
Hey,, this is a beautiful peace. Really written to relate to the reader.
I would change this part:
While there are times when you truly need to stand your ground, the truth is that there are MANY MANY moments in a marriage when it is necessary to put your spouses needs AND WANTS ahead of your own, if only to keep the peace.
lol
Great peice Aja.
Tamika says
I agree that there are times when it is best to just “let it go”…this sounds better than saying “submit” to me, even though it basically means the same thing. There are some things you are better off just chillin’ on and it’s not worth fighting over. I think that the longer you are together as a couple you learn what is best to “let go” and when you may need to be more firm. Hopefully letting your spouse have his or her way one day will grant you having your own way some time later down the line :o)
Shayla says
Being a newlywed of about 9 months, I can honestly say that I have found it very difficult to “submit”. Just like the old wedding vows that use to say, love, honor, and obey. Love, yes, honor, yes, obey, not so much. I am a firm believer in compromise and scarfice equals a happy marriage. I have learned to let stuff go and realize that some things are just not that serious. Hopefully, when we get to the house purchasing part, he will just let me pick the colors, and furniture and just “submit” to my suggestions, after all, I am a HGTV watcher and know way more about the decorating than he does. LOL!!
Great article Aja!!!
Terrific says
“Wow” to the last sentence. If you don’t submit, you fight.
Political Pete says
A few quick points
1) Excellent article
2) Sometimes it is hard from folks to differentiate between assertiveness at work/in your career and submissiveness at home – there should be a distinction.
3) Fellas can’t abuse if the woman submits. As a good friend once told me, “I don’t mind letting a guy take the lead… but hell… you gotta show me you can lead first!” Once a woman submits, you have to treat her like a queen or it just won’t work and lead to resentment.
4) What you believe spiritually is up for another discussion.
Joshua says
Hi Everyone,
I have been married for one year. One year of learning when to submit and take advice and when not to. I agree on the small stuff like paint color furniture brand and so forth chill. There are more important issues like making sure that the mortgage gets paid, that your home is happy place and not a lonely house where people live who have the same name. For the major issues like buying a house or which school to send the kids logic and common sense rather than emotion should be used to incorporate both spouses view.
Anyhow that’s my take you can feel free to disagree.
Bye
Lady4Christ says
Submission has such a negative conotation in our society, but it is actually a very powerful thing. It takes nothing to fuss back and be defiant, it takes strength and reserve to lay down for someone or something else. Next week I will celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary and we have had our struggles but we have learned that sometimes we must yield to the other. Yielding shows maturity, love, honor and respect. It is easy to yield when you do it in love and not as a chore. I must be honest, I haven’t always been willing to yield, happy to yield nor eager to yield but I have done my share and my husband has done way more than his fair share. I often wonder why he ‘let’s me have my way’ but I realize he isn’t letting ME have MY way but he is making himself happy, because in a marriage the two of you are one, so if I am happy he is happy and if he is happy I am happy because we are one. Submission is not a bad thing, it is a requirement, we all submit to something and someone at sometime in our lives, why not to the one we vowed to be with until death does us part?
Harriet says
Wow…this is an OUTSTANDING article!
I, too, will be celebrating my 5th anniversary in about three weeks, and I’ve learned quite a bit about submission during that time. Much of my learning has been the hard way, but hey…I learned:
1. Submission is not a curse word. LOL
2. Pete’s third point about treating a woman like royalty when she chooses to submit rings so very true.
3. I ask myself whether or not doing it his way will lead to the same or a better result. I used to confuse “different” with “wrong,” and I had to learn how to reconcile that in my marriage.
4. In areas where he’s stronger, I had to learn how to submit to his guidance. The same vice versa.
5. From a spiritual standpoint, submission doesn’t equate to losing your voice (which I did for a time) or operating in presumption/foolishness.
6. Also from a spiritual standpoint, as a woman, I’m perfectly fine with the bulk of God’s accountability being upon my husband should something go wrong. So if I disagree, yet still yield to him as the head of the house, I’ve stated my piece, and the rest is between my husband and God. I’ve done my part, so I’m at peace with my piece. LOL
7. Both spouses must be willing to submit/compromise/whatever you want to call it. Fighting is fighting. I had to learn that when I made him lose, we both lost; and when I helped him win, we both won.
As far as the painting of the house is concerned, I understand that it would take more work short term to paint it two different colors. But seriously, who do guests look at when making commentary about the condition and decor of a home? Most of the time, it’s the wife. This is a situation that would probably be better suited going your way, especially given the fact that you’re looking at long term hospitality vs. short term inconvenience of changing brushes and so forth. Just my opinion.
athenanike says
Submitting is tough
I prefer to “acquiesce”, til further notice…
A former SO and I debated his new wood floors, in his home renovations going on 300 miles away. Had not seen them yet, but the way he described, him saying “parquet” flooring was incorrect. I kept trying to tell him, no babe you got regular wood planks, but he starts loud talking and signifying about his “parquet,” I knew to let him think what he wants…til I could get a picture in front of him or got there and clown. A couple days later in the wee morning, like 6am cause he worked early he calls. I’m drowsily listening to him, nothing wrong he just wanted to apologize. I’m only vaguely awake, he’s telling me about the contractor coming to start another project the previous day and them standing on a deck outside looking into the neighbors house. My SO: yeah the new floors are great I definitely like my parquet better than his. Contractor: YOU don’t have parquet floors, HE has parquet floors. I didn’t gloat right then, too tired I did smile and he try to rush me off the phone so he could get to work. It was not a serious argument, I just knew he knew nothing about interior design and to save him some embarassment when he starts talking to other people about his “parquet” floors. But if you knew this man, his apology, at 6am where he didn’t have to, was just to me like, he is a really good man 🙂 But we not together anymore…
Your options: do it yourself or pay someone if he is concerned about hsi time.
Or acquiesce, until he is done a realizes he hates the color, or either of your mothers visit and starting turning up their nose on whoever picked the color. Don’t say a word, just look in his direction signaling he get the brushes and get back to work.
Tara says
Great article! I can’t really add anything down here in the comments (y’all nailed it!).
But I will say that when it comes to submitting or compromise, you gotta throw up options. If there’s no options, it’s so much harder for each person to get what they want.
For instance, in this case I see a few options:
1) Aja pays for someone to paint the room the way she wants it, perhaps giving up something to pay for it. In turn, hubby gets to relax and not worry about it.
2) Aja and hubby paint the room together. Should be done faster, and hubby shouldn’t complain about the work because she’s right along there with him.
3) Perhaps a compromise can be found on another equally stunning color and just use that one color throughout the house.
When you have options, it’s easier to submit, because you KNOW that your desires are being heard and valued…
Lisa says
Man, this was really good. Lady4Christ, I totally agree and Harriet, your #6 was like reading my mind. I think you should either paint it yourself, or hire someone to do it for you if he just doesn’t want to deal with all the color changes. That way, you both get what you want. AND, it is football season, have mercy on the man…LOL!!
After 6 years of marriage and a year of counseling (just as a refresher, before we started a family) I will say this…I had a negative view of submission until I realized that I was being obedient to Christ when I submitted to my husband as the head of our family. It has absolutely nothing to do with him.
Great topic!!!
Political Pete says
Man I’m trippin Lamar… how the heck did I miss the launch of Happily Ever After? lol. Ordering my copy today.
Okay, back to the topic…
Medina says
Good Read… Keep them coming Aja!!! I’m truly learning from the article’s and the responses…
simply beautiful says
Great article. Although I am not married but still single and praying, I found this article to be helpful. This article is so on point…when I do get married I’ll know how to act! LOL. Seriously though…married or unmarried there are still some things that we must submit to–like the law of the land, rules at work and at school, etc. I think that the reason we have such a hard time is because we look at it as someone’s ‘getting over on us’. In a healthy relationship, there is always give and take. If one is taking more than giving, then yes, it’s an issue that needs to be resolved with prayer and counseling. Yeah, there’s another article for you–what to do when your partner takes more than they give?
Anyway, I really appreciate the comments from Political Pete and Lady4Christ–right on the money! The word ‘submit’ has been given such a bad rep. I prefer not to candy coat it by calling it any other name–because it is what it is! Just do it! The Word of God admonishes us to do so!
Happinessexpress says
I love my husband very much. I have to admit that my husband does not submit but he does placate me alot. I try to return to the favor. LOL. I think I am a little more headstrong about things than he is. I love your article. My husband and I would make a compromise. Like recently we went kitchen table shopping. I did not like the one he picked out too much. However I got to decide if I wanted a low table that can seat eight, or a circle table that seats two or the square table that seats four. So we do (I, do) make a conscience effort to compromise with him. I agree with Tara. I would just paint the rooms varying with your ideas and your husbands. I would also paint right along with him.
Whyte23 says
“I†or ‘Me†thinking is what we as individuals bring to our relationship. It is our independent selfish way of thinking. We are not stating that it is a bad way of thinking, works ok for single life but can bring ‘issues to a two person relationship.
We transition from “I†to “We†by putting the needs of the relationship a head of our individual needs. Remember when the relationship wins you as an individual win. Think about the marriage first and surrendering will become easier.
Since men and women have different needs they surrender differently. Surrendering comes from the unconditional love of each partner.
Our values and our upbringing are ours and in most cases different from our partners this is the cause of many of the struggles in the relationship. Give the relationship a set of values and make the relationship a priority and surrendering will be come natural.
That you love your partner enough to yield your “Iâ€ndividual desires for the “We†commitment. To yield means to give up control.
Surrender is a verb which means that an action must be taken by both partners.
To understand that Our marriage is bigger than our own individual thoughts, wishes and desires.
Because together “We†can achieve More of.
Our hopes
Our dreams
Our desires
WE can GROW twice as big together than we can grow alone.
Thank you for sharing….one love!
Whyte23
Tiffany says
I am starting to learn that submission is very important. I would get mad at my husband when it comes to decision making beause I would ask him something and give my opinion and ask him of his. He would never give an opinion, he would just agree with me. A few weeks ago when speaking about this, he said he does not give an opinion because everytime he gives an opinion I through it out the window and do what I want to do anyway. I did not realize that I did that…making me take a very hard look at myself. My husband is the head of this household and I should take his ideas and him more seriously, he has feelings just as I.