Since launching BlackandMarriedWithKids.com in December 2007, we’ve talked to thousands of couples in one form or another. We’ve communicated via email and Facebook. We’ve also met couples and singles face to face at our film screenings. When the topic of divorce comes up (and yes it comes up often from those who have faced divorce or have overcome it) I see a common pattern.
If more couples knew what the primary cause for divorce was (from my observation), then I think they could avoid it. I know that you may be thinking that the primary cause for divorce is infidelity, communication, or financial issues. But it isn’t. The #1 reason that I see marriages failing is because one or both members of the marriage refuses to do what’s required to keep the relationship together.
You may think that I’m oversimplifying the issue but think about it. Infidelity or money isn’t the issue because we’ve seen couples overcome both with flying colors. Breakdowns in communication can happen with any couple. The issue is: what will you do if it happens to you.
There are solutions and help for all of the issues that modern day couples face, but divorce happens when one or both of them won’t seek that help. Or, perhaps they go to counseling but fail to implement the steps that are recommended. Maybe they know that they’re wrong but take the approach that they shouldn’t be required to change.
The couples that we’ve seen who have overcome all odds, all had the same thing working for them; they were both committed to making the relationship work. The obstacles that they faced were not easy and still may be challenging to this day, but they’ve decided that their relationship and the legacy of their families is worth it.
If you’re faced with these same issues will you decide that your marriage is worth it? Will you be willing to do what’s required to overcome the obstacles? Will you go above and beyond, even when you feel that you’re not at fault? These are questions that you should answer since you now know the #1 reason for divorce.
You are DEAD ON! Love it.,
I have way too much to say on this subject and to be quite honest not terribly comfortable talking about it publicly. I will say this despite what I or anyone else thinks you and your family are the ones that will have to deal with the final outcome. I know many divorced friends that struggled for a long time to keep their marriage together so I don’t think working out your problems is any easier or harder. Personally, I find strength in my times of marital despair, in my family, friends and blog posts like these. It ain’t easy folks but it’s life.
Great post Lamar! Your words sum it up right here: “what will you do if it happens to you”…but you can probably change the “IF” in your sentence to “WHEN” because issues will come up if you stay married longer than a day.
Great point Jackie, because there will definitely be challenges no matter who you are.
So simple yet so profound…
and this is why I always precaution people about marrying because of “happiness” because what happens WHEN your spouse does something you arent happy about. What will be the thing that carries you through that momentary affliction?
Im learning marriage is WORK and the success of it is contingent on the amount of work you invest in it.
Definitely true
My uncle whose been married 30-something years said “I left the house, and we’ve been angry at each other many a time.” But never once was divorce an option between us no matter how angry I was. I think the difference between him and many couples is they resolved to work it out and stay together. To this day, they are one of my favorite couples because they laugh, they play, and I know it’s not always that way, but they MAKE it work.
Is there a website to post questions about marriage. Cause I have few ?
If i was n that situation i would do everything for me n my spouse to overcome!
LT…while I believe there is great merit in/with your message, I would like to add one thing. My position is that every marriage is greater than the two people invovled. Fissures of divorce begin to make their appearance, when one of the two make his/her position more important than the marriage itself. GBU
EXACTLY!
“when one of the two make his/her position more important than the marriage itself”. This is sooo true.
Agreed! This revelation was the main inspiration for my mobile app Kahnoodle (www.kahnoodle.com). Growing up in a single family household, I wanted my marriage to last and thought a tool like this could help couples especially on the communications front. Thanks for bringing attention to this very important issue. With over 70% of black children being born into families with only one parent we need as much awareness re: how to make relationships work as possible. Cheers!
Most of the time at the end of the day, the number 1 reason for divorce is unforgiveness. It is true that most won’t do what it takes to work through particular situations in a marriage but we also hold grudges and records of wrongs. We make what “I” want more important than what “We” need. Divorce sucks. It touches more than just the two who were married.
I agree ive been married twenty yrs i think couples get divorced for lack of communication!! First step put GOD FIRST AND WHEN YOU AND YR SPOUSE HAVE A DISAGREEMENT PRAY ABOUT IT. AND THEN COMMUNICATE HONESTLY WITH EACH OTHER.
Good article. But when do you enough is enough. If your a cheater , how many times do we go to counseling or therapy??? How much is enough? I don’t believe anyone should stay in a relationship if they are not getting or being treated the way they deserve. Neither should they pigeon held into a marriage because the concenaus is you should stick it out. Sometimes we lose ourselves, tryin to live up to this “ideal” of marriage. Sometimes it’s not not should it be till death do us part. Or richer or poorer. I personally those vows are antiquated and superficial. The fact is people grow and change. Relationship evolve or sometimes regress. Men and women who decide to get married I feel should put 1000 percent in. But if it’s not working for whatever reason after all the effort…. Ummm it’s not working and time to let go and move on. It’s not a crime to get divorced. Neither is it a sign that you are a failure. Divorce /depredation can actually be a saving grace for some people. Once they are free maybe they can grow and evolve and reach their full potential as a person. Just my opinion.
I’m so thankful I’m not married to this person.
I totally agree! Life is to short to be unhappy because you refuse to get a divorce because your said those vows!
I needed that message thank you!!”
You are so right Lamar! The money and other problems are only symptoms of a bigger underlying issue – a refusal to love selflessly. In doing this, you will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship together.
This is THE TRUTH! Such a simple way to look at it, but it’s real. Good stuff.
Thanks Lamar, but I think you need to take this thing futher than the web, you should have a TV show dedicated to the issues at hand. Maybe if this was to happen, peolpe will watch just like they watch Atlanta Love & Hip Hop, and you will give black marriage a positive image which in turn will save them . I myself are going through exactly what this article is about, and I’m fighting with everything in me to get my marriage back. Websites like this one really helps me put in a even harder fight. Thank You once again, and keep it coming!
Going through this now…..
I had to put we in front of me. Love even when feeling unloved. Things are slowly getting better. No financial, trust or infidelity issues. Just his needs/her needs. Issues affect us all.
Great article….so true!
Well I divorced after being married 23 years. It was the best decision I could have ever made. My husband and I had become roommates barely speaking to each other. I did all I could do from books to counseling but if the other person does try or even is willing to change, it becomes a hopeless journey. We went 8 years maybe even more saying only good morning in passing. I don’t recommend divorce but for my peace of mind and my joy, I did what I felt I had to do.
Outstanding!! Perfectly put!!
Well, I am reading this and thinking a whole lot…I have been married for 8 months(2nd time) and found that my husband starting breaking his promises 26 days after our wedding and at this time every “Deal” we discussed prior to marrying has been broken, some of the things that he has done have been embarrasing, disrespectful, deceitful and just hurtful… I have confronted explained, talked to him…done everything that I could to get him to see how he was destroying our marriage, but to no avail. Long story short…I am very angry because I feel like I did what I should have done to NOT be in the position to have to Forgive, be understanding or any of this…With my now seriously asking for divorce, he is ” a changed man” again, which was part of his pitch to get me to marry him! I sat down and talked to him, after 3 mos and explained the resentment I was starting to feel because of his actions, and that I felt as if he said what needed to be said and acted the part, to get me to marry him and he just ignored me. We are middle age, and he has been immature, irresponsible, selfish, Very disrepectful (staying out all night 8 times in 90 days) lieing over and over you name it… At this time I don’t feel like I owe him counseling or anything else!! The marriage was not given a foundation to start from or build on… My heart is cold, I’m hurt, disappointed, and disgusted with him…
Thanks for your post, Lamar.
Lets talk marital cost benefit analysis. Is your relationship worth saving?
In real estate appraisals, a rehab investor has to make an informed decision on each piece of property: What is it worth? Is it rotten to the core? Is it better to rip the whole rotting structure down and start over fresh?
Marriage can be like that. Every marriage is not worth saving.
We could also liken a disintegrating marital situation to a bad debt. I sometimes find people struggling with bills that they should probably just walk away from.
Lets take a high interest credit card. Every month you scrape down to the last lint in your pocket to pay on that plastic bill, but the sky high interest rate conspires to keep the balance high.
Youre making no progress and cant seem to get out from under this thing.
You struggle for years with this monstrous debt, depriving yourself of many of lifes better things—only to finally have to file for bankruptcy anyway.
Of course, youre peed-off because ultimately, you might as well have saved yourself a thousand bucks in worthless interest payments. And a whole lot of stress.
Marriage can be the same way. If your marital house is in bad shape, the windows are kicked in, the roof leaking, the wood infested with termites—maybe you need to abandon the premises.
Thanks Lamar for this post!!! Sometimes I reflect on the hardest part of my marriage and I always feel it can be fixed, but what brings me to the point of wanting to throw in the towel is when my other half is reluctant to do whatever it takes to make things right, but expect for all the responsibility to fall on me rather I am at fault or not. Its those emotions that make me think twice
I am particularly sad to say that I agree…And now I have to live with a decision that was made for me by one that refused to look out for ‘us’.
This is the GOSPEL right here!!! As the saying goes… “the tree that does not bend shall break”. The bottom line is that ANY situation is surmountable as long as BOTH parties are willing to put in the work. When the resolution becomes one sided then failure is on the horizon because no one can be married to themselves. Meaning that the choices that are made by both parties have to be made with the interest of what will ultimately be best for the other person. If a husband and a wife learn to make their choices based on each others needs and not selfish needs, they can then weather any storm. But it is a TWO way street.
I’m not married but i’m in a relationship with someone who I thought I planned to be with for the rest of my life. everything was going great but when lifes struggles come around my partner seems to distance himself from the one person who has supported him (me) and acts in a manner to push me away. I’ve tried different approaches to get him to talk, to support, make a way to problem solve. this topic is a classic example of the other not wanting to work on the issue to make the relationship work. It’s hard because i don’t want to go into this and get stuck knowing that if another of life’s issues presents itself (which it will) he’ll push me away, hard because I love this person so much.
I think the article still boils down to communication — not the breakdown, but a lack thereof (which usually occurs when one or both parties check out).
It’s interesting how something so simple in marriage is so easily forsaken. [We’re not perfect, but] Everyday, I am grateful my husband and I come from two sets of happily married parental units. Witnessing the ups and downs of my parents who married young, grew together and thrived is the best example of marriage I could’ve had. Couples have to decide from the beginning that divorce is NOT an option. That way, checking out of the relationship is no longer optional, either.
I kind of agree, but in order to do the work to save the marriage, both parties have to hear the other out and be willing to be flexible. When one or 2 people are not flexible, its not going to work.
I agree with you.So true to the fullest.
Hubby and I counseled a couple and as were talking about the issues on the way home from dinner with them. Two weeks later, the ‘ish hit the fan with us. So yes, it is “What will you do when…?” I had to decide to allow myself to be angry but not to sin. Hard to do when I was seeing red but that was the deal. Marriage is the hardest job I’ve ever had. Harder than parenting because in marriage, I have to do on purpose for my husband what I do instinctively for my kids. Thank you for this blog.
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What do you do when one spouse wants to work on it but the other doesn’t? I wanna save my marriage but he thinks nothing can be done. Not even married 3 years