By Edward C. Lee
Last Saturday my wife and I had the chance to do something we just don’t get the chance to do often – go to a movie. We get so few chances to go that when we do get to go we have to make sure it is a good one. So we checked out the new Matt Damon flick, The Adjustment Bureau. All I will say is that this is an instant classic – I loved this movie. I don’t want to come anywhere close to giving it away. Those that are planning to see it deserve as many, Whaaaat’s, and Wow’s as my wife and I had.
So in this post I am being influenced by, but steering clear of revealing the details of this movie. I will say that coming from a guy that has seen each of Matt Damon’s Bourne Trilogy movies no less than 25 times, there was no disappointment when I realized that this movie was not that type of film. What it is, is more of an action, romance movie – definitely a great date movie.
So I walked out of the theater with my action movie side satisfied but as a married man, also pondering the overall thought of the movie. I must also admit that the minister side of me, was smirking at the religious implications and God’s role in the movie. But here is the overall question that this movie raises.
Can we really adjust our relationships and future? Or, are we just to accept the way that things are, deal with it where we are, grin and bear it. I guess this question strikes home because I come in contact with many friends and other couples that have reached a point of paralysis about the state of their marriage. Their marriage and relationship is on hold because they are resigned to life where it is, how it is. But as a Hollywood movie tinged with science fiction can remind us, a determined twosome might just be able to adjust the inevitable – even when the script does not seem to be calling for change. So here is what a Hollywood movie taught me about fighting for changes in a relationship.
Go Back to the Beginning. When you first considered marriage and began dreaming and hoping of what it would be, what is it that you saw? Why was she the one that made you want to settle down, why was he the one that you were willing to work it out with, out of all of the possible others?
It seems like in relationships we start off with such clarity and then along the way all of this other “stuff” jumps in the way and before long we are unable to see what we originally saw in our life partner. It is at these points, when life has clouded up the picture of what was, that we are in need of making some adjustments. So go back to where it all started and identify where things may have jumped off track. It is difficult to make changes until their is a clear understanding of what needs to be adjusted.
Adjustments are not easy to come by – but are worth fighting for. I remember when I was just out of college and still single, some of my married friends would tell me about their marriage trials. After a while the volume of less than satisfied reports started to influence me to believe that, that tempered happiness is what I should expect. We all know now that no relationship is perfect, but at the same time we should never settle to what is. Instead, we should always be going through a process of looking at, talking about and making adjustments to the marriage. The first two parts, the looking at and talking about, are the easy part. However, actually making changes within yourself and displaying the patience to wait on your soulmate to make their adjustments is the hard part. But neither time, nor the slowness of change should deter us from remaining willing to make adjustments to better our relationship. Don’t give up the pursuit of a better marriage for every one else’s norm. I am more determined not to let what my eyes see and ears hear of other relationships relegate me to accepting the same in my relationship. A better relationship is possible and it is worth fighting for.
Keep seeking God for ultimate direction. There are so many voices in our ears and minds, limiting what the expectations for our marriage and relationships should be. But faith reminds us that the ultimate direction of our marriage is not up to man or even a “bureau” of men. To really know how to make the necessary adjustments to allow what is mixed up in our marriages to get back on track, we have to relentlessly seek God. There is an imagery that goes along with a passage in the Bible (Hebrews 5:11) that talks about being dull of hearing. A warning that we all can take heed to from time to time. That life run of our own will, leaves us dull.
But the picture drawn by that passage in the original language is that of having “fat ears.” It sounds kind of silly, but it is the image of those that take in a little bit of information from everyone that is talking. Because, after a while, you have gathered so much false information from all the competing voices that your ears became heavy or “fat,” your heart becomes dull, and you no longer hear God. Much the same, in our marriages, there is no shortage of advisers, counselors, and well intentioned friends talking their advice and opinion based direction into our marriage. Even when well intended, there comes a time where a couple must push through all of the advice and competing feelings to find wisdom in God – the ultimate source of adjustment for your marriage.
As I said these are just some thoughts gleaned from fictitious characters in a Hollywood movie. But how about you, is your marriage in need of an adjustment? How do you get past the everyday routine to see long term adjustments to your marriage?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, host of the blog: elevateyourmarriage.com and Author of two first of their kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and his new book, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions -the only marriage book to go through every marriage in the Bible. Follow Edward on his blog or on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.