Have you ever disliked the person your family member or close friend is dating? I have been there more than once. Am I super judgmental? I don’t think so. I am, however, fiercely loyal and protective of the people I love most. If I feel like someone I love is being hurt, in anyway, by the person they are involved with, I am not happy about it and I have no interest in hiding my feelings either.
Do I have the right to weigh in on who the people I love decide to date? No, I don’t. Frankly, it’s really none of my business. The women and men I love most are grown and they are fully capable or making their own life decisions. But, although I fully understand the need to stay in my lane, I also don’t mince words and I have no issue telling the person I love that I think they deserve better.
Why Your Loved Ones May Dislike Your Mate
Sometimes my candid expression about their partner has actually been met with understanding because they know it is coming from a place of love. But I have to admit that sometimes it doesn’t go so well. I’ve had instances where friends and family can’t understand why I dislike their love interest so much. In those moments I have stopped to ask myself if I am being too judgmental or too harsh, but then I have this moment where something interesting comes to mind. If I have had minimal interaction (sometimes none) with your partner, why do I feel so strongly about the way they treat you? Then I realize that my impression of their mate is based on what they have shared with me.
When people are in intimate relationships they tend to keep to themselves when things are going well, while sharing many of the negative moments about their relationship with their closest friends and family members. It may seem like there’s nothing wrong with doing that, but there is. If all you ever tell me are horror stories about your man, please don’t be shocked when I don’t like him. My disdain for him is based on what you have shared.
What is Your Mate Really Like?
Now is it possible you only shared the bad stuff and this guy is actually great. Sure, that is possible. I mean if I went around only sharing my husband’s mistakes, I don’t think he would seem all that great either. But I don’t do that, though, because I know that his mistakes are such a small part of who he is, and I want the world to know and see him as I do—as a really great guy.
If your inclination is to share the worst of the person you are with, it’s because the worst is what stands out for you—it’s the part of your relationship that shines. It doesn’t mean that the person you are with is awful, but it does means that they may not be the right person for you. If they were, wouldn’t you want the world to see all the good in them that you do?
Being With Someone Who Deserves You
I’ve learned many lessons over the years and when it comes to my loved ones and their relationships, I try to mind my business and only offer advice when I am asked. But when I’m asked, I will always tell the truth. I think my family and friends deserve that much. And if what I have to say is not what they want to hear, I will certainly remind them that my opinions are largely based on what they have shared. If I am missing information about what makes their mate awesome, they should definitely let me know.
Whether it’s someone you are dating or your spouse, remember that the people you love don’t just form an opinion about him based on the holidays or rare occasions that they interact with him. In large part those opinions are formed by what you share about who he is and how he treats you. If he really is a great guy, stop sharing all of his flaws all the time because all of us are flawed. And if he really is a jerk and you know you deserve better, don’t get mad when the people you love don’t care much for him because they think you deserve better too. Remember that people who truly love you want what’s best for you, and so they may share what you don’t want to hear.
BMWK, what do you share with your friends and family about your mate?