Note: This story discusses a pregnancy loss in detail and is a part of a series. Click here to read the previous entry.
My two best friends went away to get me a large White Mocha from Starbucks as I had totally cut caffeine out of my diet, along with a large cupcake. By the time they returned, I had Charley Horses in my abdomen. After about 2 hours, she came out still attached to her umbilical cord. The nurses came in, cut her cord and cleaned her up. They allowed us all as much time as we wanted with her. Everyone pointed out her features, her long arms, long legs and she even had a wide nose like her mommy. I smiled through the tears examining every square inch of her translucent pink body. It was at that point that they had informed us that she was a little girl, as we were a few days away from the ultrasound that would have told us her gender. The hospital gave me a memory box that included a knitted baby hat and blanket, a certificate with her footprints and three hospital bracelets including one for her, for me and for her dad which would have been given to us had we made it full term. All of that was nice and I decided to donate her body to medical research (she was about 12 inches long).
The nurses informed me that they would run a bunch of tests to try to figure out the cause of my loss. I would be off work for six weeks (which would have been the length of my maternity leave). I needed the time, as I was not ready to face my coworkers or my students yet. I had to leave the hospital with empty arms and a hole in my heart that was just as large as the one in my belly. Thank God for my mother-in-law who had prepared about two weeks worth of meals and had literally cleaned the entire house, bought new bed linens and pillows. She also bought me the cutest little stuffed animal (a reindeer with a huge belly since it was near Christmas time). When I got home, the first thing I wanted to do was finish the scrapbook that I started as the hospital provided me with photos of my baby girl. I’m an avid scrapbooker and I wouldn’t feel complete until I could get all of my feelings out on paper. Once that was done, I eagerly anticipated the next appointment with my OB/GYN who would reveal all of the results of the tests.
For the next 5 weeks I basically sat around cuddling with my husband. There were different things that would trigger the pain – pampers commercials, an e-mail from one of the “You’re Having a Baby” lists I had signed up for, and even walking past the baby section at Target. I made art, spent a lot of time online reading the condolences from friends and family on social networking and I slowly, but surely started putting my life back together. A sorority sister sent me the song “I Will Carry You” by Selah, which describes the story of the couple who decided to carry their daughter Audrey to full term despite the ultrasound which revealed that she would have a difficult time surviving. I listened to that song on repeat. Before I looked up it was time for me to go back to the doctor to get the results and my clearance to return to work….
Check back every other Wednesday for additional articles in this new series from Donnie Smith – “The Road to Reproduction” as she chronicles her journey to child birth. View previous articles here.