Recently, I met a man at a work-related event, who was attractive, articulate and intelligent. Throughout the morning, we locked eyes–each time in an uncomfortable yet intriguing type of way. I tried to focus on the speaker, but my mind kept wandering back to this mysterious man. When the event wrapped up, I lingered near the door, giving him a chance to approach me. He got the hint and sparked a conversation. We exchanged smiles and business cards. I suggested that we grab a cup of coffee if he was in the area again. About a month, several emails and a couple of phone calls later, we connected in person. I viewed it as a meeting–not a date.
Leading up to that day, our interactions were pretty professional. I expected only coffee and conversation. When I arrived, he didn’t ask me about my job but inquired about my ex-boyfriend. He talked about marriage–in general, not specific to me–and asked if I was ready to date again after having a daughter. So I thought to myself, maybe this is more than a shot of espresso rather a shot at dating someone new. But my dating technique was rusty, and I assumed it was a networking opportunity with someone who just wanted to get to know me. The next day, I shared the story with a close male friend, who convinced me that this man most likely wanted more than a business relationship. He pointed out that the guy drove across town in a snow storm to meet for coffee he didn’t drink. He drank water. He then offered to drive me back to my building, which he knew was only a block away. I was still unsure. Interested but unsure.
Time went by and a similar encounter occurred. When we met for drinks, he told me he gave up alcohol for Lent. Acceptable excuse but I now wondered why this man was never fully participating yet engaging. I felt like there was a connection, and after the check came, he suggested that we get together that weekend if he doesn’t go out of town. Well, he did, and I didn’t see him for two months, until another work-related function. We talked as usual, but left without making plans to see each other again.
It was confirmed. He wasn’t into me like I thought. But why? I needed an answer, so I launched an online search (a.k.a. Facebook stalking mission). Is it really stalking if you use your powers for good not evil? My friend told me that’s like #4 on a top ten statements stalkers say list. OK, so I virtually stalked someone. Don’t judge. You know you Googled a few folks in your past! At any rate, I discovered he was dating someone–a 25-year-old someone, which is more than a decade our junior. Before I compared myself to a recent college graduate, I asked myself, why it really mattered. He wasn’t into me. Even if he wasn’t into her, that still wouldn’t guarantee he would be into me.
And guess what? That’s OK! I didn’t invest much time. I didn’t waste time either, since I met someone new and learned something new. He never crossed the line, disrespected me or lied. Heck, he didn’t have to tell me who and if he dated, and now that I think of it, I don’t think I ever asked! I even initiated some of our interactions. I thought back to my past when I would wonder why an encounter didn’t lead to a date, why a date didn’t blossom into a relationship or why a relationship didn’t progress down the aisle to marriage. Maybe the man is dating someone else, is interested in someone older or wants to land someone richer. Maybe he doesn’t want to date someone with kids. Maybe he doesn’t want to go out with someone of a different race or a different faith. Perhaps the person can’t commit to someone living in a different city. Maybe he isn’t ready to settle down, is still in love with an ex or lives with a woman. Whatever the reason, the result is still the same–the person just isn’t interested in me. But you know what, there will be someone who is!
Hey BMWK-Has this every happened to you? If so, share your story below, and don’t let one experience take away from your greatness and confidence!