My wife and I were separated for a few months before we learned she was pregnant with what would become our first child. We decided to get back together and figure out what this journey would look like together rather than apart. As soon as we made that decision we also knew a child wouldn’t hold our relationship together for us. It would be up to both of us to put in the necessary effort if we wanted something positive to come of this unexpected situation – other than our baby of course.
We had a beautiful baby boy and as the cliché goes, life hasn’t been the same since. Together, we transitioned from grown youths to bonafide parents, while learning a whole new side to ourselves. We stayed up late together, gave each other turns sleeping in, checked temperatures too much, took turns cleaning up vast amounts of bodily fluids, and also took time to enjoy our new family after some difficult transitioning. It wasn’t easy, but we did it together. We supported one another.
Even through the support, I knew we were still drifting apart. We had yet to really discuss the circumstances of our separation and reserved much of conversation to our new trials of parenthood. We were letting the unsaid words keep us from getting closer. And we each coped in our ways – many times not the healthiest of ways either.
I loved having my family under one roof and I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from my son for any significant amount of time. I already felt loads of guilt on the days I would work all day and not get to see him even once before he went down for the night. But I also knew that two happy parents make a better example than two miserable ones, and it was time for us to decide what we were going to do about us as a couple. One night, after a particularly long day – a night like many others when I desired the comfort of my spouse, but we were light years away from even a prolonged embrace and meaningful conversation, I asked my wife the single most important question I’ve asked since we got married:
“Do you want our marriage to work?”
Without looking up at me from whatever task she was doing at the time, she paused, but didn’t say a word.
I continued, “Do you actually want our marriage to work? I know it’s really a loaded question, but that’s what it ultimately comes down to, right? Do the both of us want this to work? From my end, I want us to work, but more importantly, I want for us to want it to work. I want both of us to want happiness for each other through each other. I want us to know that when we wake up next to one another it’s for no other reason than the fact we both chose to sleep next to one another the night before. And if one of us doesn’t truly want to be there then we shouldn’t feel like we have to be there. I want you to know that I am choosing to be here with you every night because I want to be here. And I feel we won’t be able to move to next phases of our relationship until I know you want to be here as well.”
By this time she had stopped what she was doing, but she still wasn’t looking at me, which is normal in our relationship since my wife is adverse to eye contact. She didn’t say anything.
We went to bed.
The next night before we went to sleep she said, “I want us to work. I want us to be happy together.”
If that moment had never happened over a year ago, I highly doubt we would be in the positive position we’re in today. We’re both trying to be a lot more honest about what we truly want out of life, ourselves, and each other. It’s a great thing.