So often I hear complaints from both men and women that their partners switched up on them after saying “I do”. To be honest I hear it more from men but it definitely happens on both sides. People are left confused and baffled by this “different person” that has come out of nowhere to make their marriage less than what they desire and cause a bit of confusion. That is one of the reasons why so many have the perception that once you get married, everything goes downhill from there. So many things can change but you would hope that for the most part your partner remains consistent in giving you what you need. So what is really going on here? Could having the new title of married really make a person change and be somebody you never thought they were?
In most cases your partner hasn’t changed, they are just finally showing you who they really are. That’s right, their true colors are coming out in full force and unfortunately you may not like what you see. The reality is that many people are trying to put their best foot forward while dating. Sometimes this attempt to impress the other goes too far and that person is not being true to who they are or what they are willing to be in the long run. Their objective is to get you and once that happens they are in so deep they have to continue this act in an attempt keep you. That is until you actually get married. Subconsciously they feel much more secure with you not being able to easily walk away once vows have been taken. Not to mention that it becomes very difficult to keep up the mirage. This plays into people finally taking the mask off and allowing the truth to be seen.
Other times it may not be that they have changed but that you have stopped pouring into them what they need from you. Let’s face it, a lot of people get too comfortable and stop putting in the same effort they used to while dating. He isn’t doing the romantic things like he once did. She isn’t showing that same admiration she once had. He may be struggling to keep up that once youthful stamina in the bedroom. She may no longer be as willing to pull out all the freaky things she used to display in the past. One way or another there has been a fall off by one partner which has contributed to the fall off by the other. Thinking that the only possible explanation is that they changed may be hindering you from seeing how you have changed. Full effort should always be given on both sides but only focusing on their decline will ensure the overall decline of your marriage.
So how do you know which explanation applies to your situation? Well it starts with an honest and open conversation. One in which you take a positive approach and focus on progress rather than dwell on the negatives. Be willing to embrace that they may not have shown you everything about them and now is the time to get more in tune with who they truly are. Don’t hold on to what once was, focus on what you both will now make it. Compromise and no judgmental or condescending attitudes allowed. If the issue is simply about what you stopped pouring into your partner, then don’t attempt to validate it because there were things they weren’t doing. Simply embrace it and express what you also need from them to help move in a more positive direction. There is work to be done, and now is the time to come together and take the necessary steps to create a happier and more fulfilling marriage.