By Edward C. Lee
A new year always gives us a chance to look at what’s good and what needs some work in our marriage. Admittedly, I have a minor obsession about planning when it comes to my relationship. I am always asking and evaluating what I am doing today, in light of what I want my marriage to look like in 20 or 30 years. And more importantly I always need to know if I/we are doing enough to get where we want to be. My thoughts about leading my family and the durability of my marriage will quite periodically come back to an experience I had about three years ago.
In one afternoon, on this unforgettable day, I had an opportunity to visit the homes of two different men facing terminal illness. The chance to visit these two different men facing the same reality, in the span of about three hours, was the kind of divinely guided coincidence that let me know it was no coincidence at all. There was something bigger than just showing up and giving kind words that I was supposed to get from this experience.
As a husband the conversations that I was allowed to have with these two husbands as they openly reflected on their own marriages in their last days, really reshaped my approach to my marriage and how I treat my wife. I know, the topic of death is not the kind of material that greeting cards are made of. But when we think about the end of our marriage it provides the sort of big picture imagery that can outline our interaction with our spouse and family.
As I sat with the first man, he wept openly and bitterly as he reflected on how he had treated his wife during the course of their marriage. He attributed their years of financial and emotional strain, as well as the burdens that he was leaving his wife to deal with after his death, to his stubbornness and unwillingness to listen to her during their marriage. His perspective of his wife’s role in their marriage had been that her input was worthless or subordinate to his. This man’s evaluation of his wife led him to dominate her and control every aspect of their relationship. So here he was in his final days, and his final analysis of his marriage was that his ill-founded perspectives of his role as a husband and his wife’s worth had strangled the joy from their marriage.
Conversely, the second man was facing the same fate as the first, yet as I visited with him, he articulated a very different attitude about the inevitability of his death. As soon as I walked into the room, it was apparent that this man and his marriage had been shaped by a different assessment (perspective) of his life and marriage. This couple was singing gospel songs and hymns, clapping and laughing during those last weeks. Rejoicing over and being thankful for the good years they had shared together. This couple was built to face this most difficult time with a sense of genuine joy that enabled them to endure their reality.
This second husband shared with me that his approach to marriage was to always accept his wife as a gift from God, even when he did not agree with her viewpoint. He was clearly the head of their home, but his wife was highly valued, appreciated, and respected. As a result, he and his wife had built a love and friendship that grew even until his last day.
These two men held very different perspectives on their marriages. One saw marriage as something to control and that had to fit into his way of thinking. The other saw marriage as a joint venture in which both had input and which was something to enrich the relationship. He often laid aside his point of view to listen to his wife and receive her contribution.
The polar opposite paths these two marriages traveled illustrated to me how our perspectives mitigate the overall quality of a marriage. Our perspectives of each other can either strangle the love out of a marriage, or can usher love into a marriage.
And therein lies the question that I am constantly asking myself: “What perspectives am I holding onto that are straining my relationship with my wife?” Stated more practically, “Does it really have to be done the way I am used to doing it, or is this something I can just roll with my wife (or husband) on?”
Just to clarify, this is not a male thing, but a relationship thing. All of us come into our marriage with a set of perspectives. So BMWK family as you plan and set goals for 2011, are your perspectives of your self and spouse advancing or holding back your relationship?
Edward is an ordained minister, Bible College Professor, pastoral marriage counselor, and author of two first-of-its-kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and the soon to be released e-book, Husbands, Wives, God: 52 Week Devotional. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Good stuff Lee. Ifind it really helpful to see how others are viewing things. I bet those talks had your emotions all over the place.. and for the better. Thanks for sharing.
Great article to start the New Year as my main goal in 2011 is to be the “second husband” in my marriage. Thanks!
Thanks for this post.
All I can say is….WOW! These are the kinds of thought provoking experiences that I really enjoy listening to and reading about. First, I want to thank you for being in a place where you saw that day for what it was..a non coincidental, divine lesson from God. He’s ALWAYS trying to reveal truths to us but he can only work with a willing heart and a mind focused on HIM, so thank you for receiving and sharing. Time is so precious, and it flies by, and I am going to be more aware of “the big picture”, as it relates to my marriage and husband. I want us to be in a position where we can enjoy and celebrate one another, as the latter couple did. We CAN minimize or altogether eliminate regret in regards to how we loved on and appreciated one another. After 15yrs of marriage, my husband and I have rededicated ourselves to mending our marriage, and reading articles like this really, really helps me plant my feet and stay focused. Again I say, thank you!
Wow. It’s amazing how the finality of death can bring about a change in perspective. I’m glad you talked about how important it is for both men and women to evaluate themselves and their behavior. This was an amazing and eye opening article.
@Harriet – As a writer you know once we hit “send” we think of other things we wanted to say. LOL. But you are right, death brings about a clarity that we often don’t have until it is too late.
Wonderful article and perspective – don’t wait until you are facing the end of your life to evaluate your motives, methods and actions. Taking action to change things for the better can be difficult, but it will help you avoid the regret that comes when you don’t change negative ways…
LOL…I wish I would have thought about that before spitting out all that vitriol in response to your question on blackloveandmarriage. Nevertheless, with each breath, we get another opportunity to shift our rudders in a different direction. Thank God for breathing that kind of “refresh button” into our lives.
Great article.
It truly makes me want to live (in my marriage) with no regrets. So I know I won’t have any if I do it right the first time.
Ed you shared this story with me in Florida, and reading it I was as moved as when you told me. Great post.
I just want to say this is so beautiful and I appreciate not only the article but also you sharing that info, I am not married yet (still single, by choice for right now) , although I find myself running to this site several times a day to read not only the articles but the post by the ppl who are married and I am so encouraged because I know marriage is more than what we are being shown out in the world. So I pray that you have a long lasting marriage as well as
that these articles keep on coming showing that we do know how to hold our relationships together and that we do know how to be a family as well as hold one together by the power of God. Be 4ever blessed.
Great post! I’m not married (yet) but I will remember this article while dating so I make sure to present the image and understanding of a woman/wife who recognizes her role, respects her husbands role and is willing to work on making sure both our opinions are heard and valued. Thank you.
Thank you for sharing this! I’m going to send it to my husband now!
We’ve only been married for three months (glorious, wondrous months), and thankfully, our entire relationship has been drama-free. But I think this is amazing perspective for anyone (husband’s and wives)! Everyday, I aim to give my husband my best – even when my best isn’t much. And when I know I’m not doing so, I acknowledge that and try harder.
There is really something to be said about mutual respect and a wanting and willingness to please each other. I used to be a person that ALWAYS wanted to be “right”. But in a marriage, there’s no room for proving you’re “right”. There’s things that we do “my” way, things that we do “his” way, and most things that we do OUR way.
Thank you GOD for that man!!!
Thanks for sharing this Sir. This will have me revaluating myself in my marriage.
Excellent,thought provoking piece.
I really enjoyed reading this and I really needed to read this. I appreciate you for your consistent ability to put perspective on these real matters of the heart and life.
I can really relate to this article today. I have always discussed with my husband the importance of building a strong marital foundation for the coming of storms. I always felt our friendship and love would be what makes or breaks us in our experience. I think is is a great idea to do a personal evaluation of yourself in your marriage.
This article was amazingly thought provoking! It really made me think about my “perspectives” in my marriage and what I am holding on to. Is it really that important to do it “my way” and am I valuing my spouse and his differences when I insist on doing trivial things a certain way. Keep bringing ’em! I get new insight from all your postings.
Co-Signing Mrs. Mel!!!! WOW!!!!