Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My husband and I have been together for 6 years and he will be 27 years old in October (I’m 23 years old). Since April 27, 2014, my husband has been withdrawn and told me that he was not attracted to me. We have two beautiful children together and I adored my husband. I was there for him while he was in the Army and when he got out. He had never deployed and had a horrible time at our first assigned duty station. He got out of the Army Feb. 14, 2014. I have never been the type of woman who dressed up. I was more of a tomboy due to the molestation that happened to me by two different family members when I was 7 and 9. So I felt the need to be invisible and my world was good because he was the one who “saw” me.
Fast forward a couple months and he now tells me, he wants to separate. He stopped going places with my children and I, and then he completely shuts me out. I went through and stage of begging him, how I could fix it. I lost over 20lbs and fixed the way I dressed. I changed my attitude and still to no avail. I was beyond hurt when he automatically refused marriage counseling by my pastor. He then told me he wanted to move out shortly after I discovered pictures of him and other women. Out of hurt I ran, (literally) ran away. I packed up my things and my children’s things and went to my mother’s house. The next thing I know, I was paying for the utilities for the house I no longer stayed in and paid for his phone because I loved him. I wanted to show him that even if he didn’t have a job, (and had no desire to find one) that I would do my best to support him.
I loved this man, but he flaunts his new women by the front door so I can see them and it kills me inside. I feel hurt and betrayed and just flat out used. I have been nothing but faithful and devoted to him. I am already starting to separate myself from him, but it kills me. What makes a Woman Good Enough for Love? How did he stop loving me? Why am I not good enough?
Help…A Heavy Heart!
Dear Heavy Heart,
First of all, you are good enough to be loved. As a child of God, you deserve all that your heart desires. Unfortunately, you are looking for love in all the wrong places and for the wrong reasons.
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You cannot find and be loved by a man who does not know how to love. Based on your description of your husband’s behavior, he does not know what it means to honor and cherish a woman. He appears to be selfish, self-centered and very insensitive. Please be mindful that love does not dwell in these kinds of men. Love can be found in God. Never devote yourself to a man who has not devoted himself to God. When a man learns to love God, he learns what it means to love others, how to sacrifice and work through suffering and most importantly how to honor and respect the women in his life. Please stop searching for love in the wrong places. I am glad to hear that you are starting to separate yourself from him so that you can begin to heal. I empathize with your pain, but do not turn back. You deserve better.
Remember that your worth is not defined by your physical appearance or emotional disposition, but by your God-given attributes.
Besides looking for love in the wrong place, you are looking for love for the wrong reason. It appears that you are looking for love from a man who will “see” you for you. If you desire to be with a man who will “see” you for you, stopped feeling pressured to change yourself. While it is important to look, feel, and do well, remember that you are not and will never be perfect. We were born into sin and all have some demons we must cope with and conquer.
From a spiritual perspective, I believe that a wife is good enough for love because she is God’s most valued creation. However, from a secular or practical perspective, I believe that a wife is good enough for love when she learns to love on herself. In your case, improving your self-esteem and loving yourself unconditionally can be one of the most rewarding things that you will ever do. When you love on yourself, you demonstrate for your husband what it looks like. Do not let your husband rob you of your gift of love. God created you out of love, so that you can love yourself and others.
I realize that the ability to love yourself might be challenging, especially since you have experienced hardships in the past such as sexual and emotional abuse. However, remember that your life experiences do not define who you are. Unfortunately, bad things happen to good people. Your ability to cope with hardships defines your true character. Given this, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling outside of the church. Psychology and theology are not the same. The best approach is to combine both disciplines. Professionals like me, have received specialized training and have acquired a wealth of knowledge/experience in dealing with abuse/trauma survivors.
Remember that your worth is not defined by your physical appearance or emotional disposition, but by your God-given attributes. Sometimes we do not always understand our troubles or recognize our blessings. Being separated from your husband is troublesome, but it may also be a blessing. You cannot expect God to protect you from all bad things, but you can rest assure that he loves you. After all, you are a Queen!
To begin the process of acquiring knowledge to help you heal your wounds, please secure a copy of my book: “A Black Woman’s Worth: My Queen and Backbone”.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.