Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I’m 30 years old my husband is 40 years old. We have been married for 2 years but together for 6. He is a nice guy and loves me very much. I love him because I know he loves me. Over the past year, we have had sex literally four times. Sex with him was never great, but it has become unbearable recently. I have never been physically attracted to him. Also, I do not get any satisfaction from making love to him. He is 130 lbs over weight, has smaller than average man parts and doesn’t participate in any foreplay (no touching, kissing, oral, nothing). Only one position and he lasts 10 minutes if I’m lucky. I’ve tried to express my feelings but he doesn’t get it.
Some of my friends say it’s the age difference, he doesn’t love me, he may have health issues, etc. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve thought about sleeping with someone just to get that need fulfilled. I’ve even thought of divorce. I do not want either one of these options but I’m losing sleep over this. What Should I Do To Create Sexual Bliss in My Sexless Marriage?
Dear Sexless Wife,
Sorry to hear that you are in a sexless marriage. Unfortunately, you are not alone. According to Newsweek, 15 to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a sexless marriage.
Although I do not specialize in sex therapy, I have provided counseling to individuals who were in sexless marriages. One of the many problems that I often address in therapy is the difference between love and intimacy.
You stated that you love your husband because he loves you. You also stated that you have never been attracted to him. Given these two statements, many people, including myself, are probably wondering “Why Did You Marry Him?” I assume it’s because of love.
Many individuals get married based on love and underestimate the importance of intimacy. Love is simply defined as a powerful, compassionate and intangible emotion that directs the hearts of women and men. However, love is an emotion that can remain stagnated if intimacy is not present. Intimacy must be present in order to have a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Sexual bliss is defined as happy and fulfilling sexual intercourse and bodily pleasure that occurs in a passionate and monogamous relationship with a loving partner.
I believe that the key to experiencing sexual bliss is to develop a marriage built on intimacy. Intimacy is defined as a secretive sexual relationship that involves a sense of deep emotional and spiritual connection with a close or warm partner. The key words in my definition are deep emotional and spiritual connection. Without a deep emotional and spiritual connection, sexual bliss is difficult to achieve.
In my book, “Unconditional Love: Give and Receive Unconditional Love and Make Your Marriage Last Forever,” I describe three levels of intimacy and also provide an intimacy assessment. Given your current situation, I would recommend that you secure a copy of my book, seek professional counseling and stop discussing your sex life with your friends. I know that you might find comfort in them, but the connection or lack of between you and your husband should not be girl talk.
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Here are six tips for creating and sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage.
- Conduct an assessment of your current level of intimacy. Determine if your marriage was built on or is operating on the right level of intimacy. Greater understanding increases the capacity for greater intimacy. This task can be accomplished by using my Marriage Intimacy Assessment (MIA).
- Focus less on physical intimacy and more on developing spiritual intimacy. Become a student of your spouse and learn about his emotional and spiritual needs. Be mindful that an in-depth and soulful connection with your husband outside the bedroom can lead to a blissful sexual relationship inside the bedroom.
- Make time in your schedule for sex. Make sex a priority in your marriage. Have a meeting with your husband and schedule sex dates.
- Pray for renewed and rejuvenated commitment. Think about the covenant that you made before God and use that as motivation to renew the romantic feelings for your husband.
- Remain resilient and do not give up. Resilient couples find solutions in problems. In contrast, troubled couples find problems in every solution.
- Seek counsel if you are struggling with creating or sustaining sexual bliss in your marriage. Instead of learning by trail and error, please get help. Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards. – Vernon Law
I pray that your sexless marriage turns into a marriage filled with sexual bliss. Remember that spiritual intimacy can intensify emotional and physical intimacy, but physical intimacy cannot intensify emotional or spiritual intimacy. Sexual bliss is a by-product of spiritual intimacy and harmony. Also, remember that the libido is powerful energy that provides temporary pleasure, but spiritual intimacy is life-changing energy that provides long lasting pleasure.
Whatever you do, please do not cheat on your husband. I believe in karma and remind people that karma is not punishment; it is what they put in the atmosphere.
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.