Picture it: The quintessential Mother’s Day picnic planned by yours truly! I purchased the wine and the chocolate-covered strawberries and even made the perfect food to pair with it. I had it packaged expertly—just like they do in the fancy stores. I planned for it to happen in the right place at the right time, and I told her to clear her calendar because I was going to make this an experience that she wouldn’t soon forget. So we got there, and I set it all up…the perfect scene straight out of a “how to make her love you” instruction manual. And what happened?
Now picture this: Within minutes, I was ready to go. Bugs were crawling and flying; it was hotter than anticipated, so I was sweating like a pig; and my little girl woke up and started screaming her face off. Can you say major fail???
I just knew this Mother’s Day picnic sounded better in theory than in actual practice!
This got me to thinking about some things we do in relationships that seem great and sound wonderful as an idea but don’t actually work out too well in real life. Let’s see if you agree.
1) OUTSIDE DATES
I don’t know about you, but whether the date is in a park or on the beach or in the mountains, it always sounds so romantic and looks so amazing in the movies, but the elements don’t always make it enjoyable. At the park, it’s the bugs, on the beach it’s the wind and the sand, and even in the mountains, you don’t know if yogi bear is creeping around waiting to eat your lunch…or YOU!
2) SHOWER SEX
I’ve tried to make this work on multiple occasions, but it never turns out like how you see it on TV. Between the fact that she likes the water warm and you like it hot and not having a shower big enough for any good positions and finally not having any leverage because the floor is wet or soapy, I think I’ll just leave this one to actors on the big screen or to the people who have those Mimi-style shower rods. Let’s just go make magic in this bed!
3) TALKING ON THE PHONE ALL NIGHT
Okay, it was all good in high school or in the first few weeks of dating, but…ummm…I have no desire anymore to be on the phone all night. I know it sounds so romantic to stay up for hours until the sun comes up just talking about life and the future, but man I’m sleepy. I have to go to work in the morning and my ear and the side of my face is starting to sweat. Can we be done on the phone no later than 11pm please?!
4) MULTIPLE ROUNDS OF SEX
“Baby I can go alllllllll night long!” While that might have been true at one point in my life, I can tell you, that as a man, that becomes less about pleasure and more about ego. The way I see it now: let’s have one good quality round, maybe even two, but this all night for hours at a time is so unnecessary! Now if you want five and six rounds then more power to you, but I’m trying to land a one hitter quitter these days? Remember what I said earlier? I’ve gotta go to work in the morning!
5) OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
This might sound attractive to some people because “variety is the spice of life,” but see the way my ego and vows are set up, I don’t want any parts of an open relationship. I just can’t deal with this idea of my wife being able to just freely go be involved with another dude. I’m confident and all, but I’m no fool and my heart and ego can’t take it. If that’s your thing, then I’m not judging you, but I think we are naturally selfish beings, and it sounds good in theory but probably not in practice!
BONUS: CAR SEX!
I know it sounds spontaneous and all exciting to act like you’re 17 again, but who can fit anything anywhere in a car, what if the neighbors see us, and who wants to explain an arrest for public indecency? I’m still up for spontaneity, but car sex looks great on TV and sounds good…but in my real life it’s another fail.
I hope this blog doesn’t come off as prudish or boring, but I just think as you get older some things just sound more exciting than they actually are! There are plenty of ways to be spontaneous and romantic, but for me, the ones listed just aren’t my cup of tea!!
BMWK Fam, help me out with more examples of relationship things that sound good in theory but not so much in practice!