Yesterday we ran a post by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter called Why Her about questions that a woman had after her boyfriend married another woman. Well that woman has weighed in with more details to help us out. You can check them out below:
Hello Brothers,
I am the sister that called my married girlfriend to ask “Do married men like docile women?” The reason I posed that question is because I had been dating a guy for three years and he proposed to another woman. I was so hurt and disappointed. Anyway, he told me he proposed to her because she always did what he asked her to do and never talked back. I guess she gave him the final say. He said I sometimes complained that he only came around when he wanted me to do something for him. He also said she paid his car note for him for two months when he was struggling financially. Other than that, he thought I was a great catch with wonderful kids.
Now, let me get down to it. For the first twelve years of my life, I witnessed my mother get abused physically and verbally by my father. When he wasn’t there abusing her, she would verbally abuse me. By the time I turned 16 and was old enough to date, I was abused by my first love too. He disrespected me verbally on a regular basis and I allowed it to happen for five years. It affected my self-esteem. I didn’t have any. So I guess you can say I was a victim of domestic violence and verbal abuse for the first 21 years of my life. By the time I left my abuser at 22, I vowed that I would never let anybody else disrespect me or talk down to me again.
I am 35 now and continue to strive to be a better person. Sometimes I allow my past to get the best of me. I will snap off if I feel threatened or disrespected. As far as relationships with men go, I DO NOT have a problem allowing a man to be a man. I think my problem is that I have been forced to be strong and domineering for so long because my daughter’s dad has never supported me and I have had to carry the weight by myself since becoming a mom at 19. I pay all the bills, go to all the doctor’s appointments and deal with all of their hurt and pain without his support. I have no problems supporting a man on any level. In 1998 I was engaged to a guy who I supported regularly. Even when we broke up I helped him pay his bills when he would fall short. It didn’t work out because he was a cheater and admitted that he took me for granted. I use to get angry and fight him with hurtful words because it was all I knew. We forgave each other and are the best of friends now. I love the brothers and desire to be married SOON. How can a brother ask a single mother to pay his car note? He would also do things that irritated me and I would tell him about himself. In the past, I would cuss a man out but I learned that is not appropriate at any time.
I guess my question is, “How do I balance this out?????” I love the brothers and respect the ones that are loving and respecting the sisters. Is it possible to submit to a man and let him take control when I am so use to having to be in control? Do I have to be docile to get married? What’s the deal?