Sexual rejection is an issue most men I know deal with on a consistent basis. It’s why most of us are reluctant to approach a women for a date or even approach our wives for physical companionship. Rejection in any form is difficult for any of us, but sexual rejection is something that really tends to hit home for men, so here’s a quick insight into why your man may take it so personally when as a wife, you’re just not “in the mood.”
Men tend to bury their emotions and subsequently store all of those unsaid words and unresolved issues right into their phallic counterparts. Simply consider how often we associate peak male sexual performance with aggression. Much of the frustration, pressure, and basic life burden men must carry must also be disguised under a veil of seeming strength, composure, and alpha-male egoism in order to maintain the public face. Many of us only express our “true” or aggressive selves and allow that pressure to be almost literally released behind closed doors with a person we hope accepts all of our publicly imperfect forms.
When we attempt to make that connection with our significant other, only to be consistently pushed away or rejected, it is very difficult for us to separate the physical act from the personal identity association. In other words, when our spouse rejects our physical advances, they fully reject us as a man – at least in our eyes. I know many women who feel this interpretation by men is totally ridiculous. I’ve heard women say phrases as, “I don’t know why he takes it so personally, I’m not rejecting him, I just don’t want to have sex with him.”
So I’ll try to put it into perspective for the curious – It’s like getting a woman to separate her identity from her physical appearance in America. It’s almost impossible to do on a mass scale. And if you don’t feel we still attach a woman’s value to her appearance, then we probably don’t live in the same country. Many times to dismiss a woman as unattractive or physically unacceptable, is to reject her as a person. It’s one of many misogynistic misgivings we still carry regarding our modern day woman. There are always exceptions to the rule (on both sides), but we’re talking to the masses here.
This feeling of male sexual identity rejection is not necessarily a healthy or validated response to our spouses simply not being “in the mood” or otherwise, but yet it’s still a reality. And we can’t start to address an issue until we seek to understand it first. Men in general will do better to cope with sexual spousal rejection issues once we as a whole begin to include other means of self-expression into our overall communication tools. But in the mean time, we’ll still be silently offended every time our un-evolved attempt at a deeper human connection is rejected – at least in our eyes.
Isom, great article. You really broke that down. I don’t think I realized how deep it went. Your comparison to how women feel was right on point!
Thank you, Tiya. I really appreciate the feedback.
I find this article interesting. I think it is important to explore this issue further but I would like to add a comment to broaden the discussion and scope. I was drawn to your statement about the “release of aggression behind closed doors.” I would like to put forth the idea that it might be a bit frightening to some females that they would be on the receiving end of that exchange. I understand that many if not most men use sex as a means to manage stress and aggression but as a female, I would be concerned about HOW that gets translated in the exchange. Depending on the type of man or the type of stress, that has the potential to go from what should be a close and sensual exchange to a semi-violent one. I may be being myopic in my response but I was just training in on that particular aspect of the conversation. Please forgive me . . . not my intent to miss the ENTIRE point of the article. I know that the article is talking about the male identity and ego and its need for affirmation. I’m not missing the point, I’m simply responding to an aspect of the article that aroused my thoughts. I think it is a provocative conversation and a good one.
No doubt, Allison that the imagery may not be appealing to all those on the potential receiving end of that exchange. Noted. The comment itself was speaking more to one of the metrics many women judge a man’s sexual performance by – alpha male dominance in bedroom. Your observation isn’t myopic at all. During the very vulnerable sharing during sex, there’s always a very very fine line between appropriate and too far. As always, that line has to be drawn between the individuals involved.
And aggression in the bedroom is of course only one of many behaviors that can reveal itself behind closed doors. Thanks so much for your comment!
This is what I am trying to come to terms with with my significant other. Great article. I usually think about myself when he asks for sex, instead of thinking of what he needs. Terry Crews said it best: “When you ask your man to talk and he shuts you out, that’s the same way we feel when we are shut out on sex.” And as a woman, I know how much I want to be heard and understood when expressing myself to my significant other. So this is something I know I need to work on.
I’m a woman and it hurts me deeply too when my man rejects me sexually.
I never tell my husband no believe it or not, but my issue is the constant groping. If he wants sex he gets it, but there are times when I don’t want my breast fondled or my private parts touched while I’m wrapping my hair and it’s constant. Sometimes that’s his way of leading up to sex, but often times it’s see a breast touch a breast. I do reject that. Is this along the same thing you are talking about?