“It all sounds so romantic. Hate to burst your bubble. I’ve noticed this is very focused on making the male more happy and going out of the way…I’m just saying you seem to really focus on the female making the male happy, really big in this one.” ~Facebook Comment
The “this one” the reader was talking about was my article “10 Everyday Moments for which I’m Grateful.” I love reader comments and sometimes a little criticism thrown in for good measure. I don’t expect every post to speak to every person. With anything, you take what you believe will help your relationship and ignore the rest. This particular comment was interesting because I did the total opposite of what this reader suggested. The 10 moments I listed actually show how my husband makes me happy . And, it sounds “so romantic” because it is. Without an expensive dinner, without candlelight, without a diamond ring, without an exotic trip, without front row seats to a concert, my man makes me fall in love with him all over again without spending any money. He better gone with his bad self!
After 17 1/2 years together, I finally get it. Marriage ain’t about who does more for the other person, or who goes out of the way to make their spouse happy. Although gifts and trips are nice, it’s not about how much money you spend. I’ve written before about eating value meals and sleeping on the floor. Marriage, I’ve learned, is about doing what you are supposed to do as an individual in the relationship. After that, it’s about trusting, praying, and encouraging your spouse to do what he/she is supposed to do. When you start keeping score, you start losing.
And, ain’t nobody got time for that!
I’m determined to win at this thing called life and love. Which means sometimes I have to beat back the temptation to keep score as if we are competing against each other. There have been many months, even years, where I’ve swallowed my pride, picked up my hurt feelings, and took care of my business as a wife –with the necessary good attitude. In other words, I had to do me, regardless, because as a wife, God has certain expectations of me. If I seek to please God first by doing what I am supposed to do, I will be blessed for it.
In fact, I AM being blessed for it, daily.
And so I encouraged you to slow down and to take inventory of the everyday blessings in your life. Maybe the focus isn’t on him; maybe it’s on you, but it doesn’t look or feel like it because it comes in a form you aren’t expecting. More than I expect an expensive vacation or a fancy meal (those are nice, by the way,) I expect to feel my husband’s foot slither under the covers to greet me before dawn. I expect to stay up past midnight listening to his goals. After a fresh haircut, I expect him to snuggle on my lap so I can massage his scalp. Maybe those moments appear to be all about making him happy and catering to his needs, but I view them just the opposite. They are everyday blessings that keep my heart tender and warm towards my man. When I take the time to count them one by one, there’s no way I can feel overlooked or taken advantage of.
The beauty of it all is this: my bubble hasn’t burst. By the grace of God, it never will. And I hope yours doesn’t either.
BMWK, when was the last time you counted your blessings?
Great article. I hope the person who authored the Facebook message truly receives your message.
Thanks for reading.
That was a nice article. I feel that alot of articles on this subject are to keep the woman happy and make sure you cater to her needs. ALL relationships need to be cared for and there will be times someone will ask, what about me? Bottom Line- if you are in it to stay, work will be needed.
It definitely takes work. Thanks for sharing.
Well this a “nice” article and all but I’m not clear on something…
“…encouraging your spouse to do what he/she is supposed to do…”
and,
“…If I seek to please God first by doing what I am supposed to do…”
…What does this mean? Given that the idea/concept is repeated lends some measure of importance to the idea, and I understand that the audience/readers are not all of the same belief but this notion seems terribly vague…
In your reference, “When you start keeping score, you start losing” I got it, (or a least I think I did) as I read it as an allusion to serving your spouse unselfishly, with no regard to reciprocity, in fact -as you noted- the greatest relationship blessings will arise when you serve your spouse in the face of their own selfishness. What I have learned -and seen- is that boundless relational blessings will flow when you both seek to out-do one another in serving one another, always putting the other first (as Christ did and does the Church, -had to get that in there) I’m hoping it is in this context you stated the “…supposed to do…” ideas since such selfless service -combined with love and prayer- will inevitably win over even the most churlish spouse…
As stated by Pastor Jamal Bryant,
“A balanced relationship is when one spouse feels honored and the other feels privileged”
…nice article, just wish that “…supposed to do…” concept was less vague…
Balance is indeed the goal. The reality is for many people who are actually happily married, sometimes you serve more and some times you are served more. Thanks for reading.
?? could spend a whole day on this blog..its so refreshing,awakening and insightful..One thing must be made straight about marriage and this ?? want ??? sound so clear ??? married spouses: On the last day,just about the same way you would stand ??? give account ??? the Lord as regards your life,likewise,you would be standing ??? account for the kind of marriage you lived..how you nurtured it,went out of your way ??? make it work,how you knelt down so many times ??? save your marriage and the totality of your investments into that marriage God has made you both a custodian in..what would you answer God on that day?
I appreciate your comment. Thanks.
I love this article. Dr Michelle, you have this great way of making people get excited about their marriage, spouse and being in love! Great article.
Hey Tiya. Thanks for reading. Glad you liked it.
I just read the powerful and eye opening book Love and Respect and it shares the same principles and how to stay off the “crazy cycle” and prevent score keeping. I had to buy it so that I can reference it when I feel like I’m headed back into the crazy cycle!
Based upon the scripture Ephesians 5:33, God commands the husband to love his wife, and the wife is commanded to respect her husband. I wish I had read this book before I got married. It helped me to understand that God designed my husband, men, to have a “healthy interest” in physical intimacy. It also gave me a clearer picture of my role as a wife- I am to show respect to my husband Ben when I feel like he may my deserve it. It is supposed to be unconditional just like my husband is to love me unconditionally, as Christ loved the church. I ENCOURAGE EVERYONE TO READ THIS BOOK. BY FAR THE BEST MARRIAGE BOOK THAT I’VE READ!!!