Your 20%

Lamar Tyler

15 years ago

8020

by Harriet Hairston

The 80/20 rule in marriages is something that we all know about: at any given time in a marriage, 80% of an individuals wants and/or needs are met, but 20% of them are either neglected or fall short. The problem arises when a spouse begins to actively seek out fulfillment of the 20% in the arms of another person.

Knowing about that rule in general will help keep healthy boundaries around a marriage. What I would like to address is whether or not you have communicated to your spouse what your individual “20%” is. Do they know what secret desires and longings entail the 20% of of your wants/needs? Do YOU even know?

For example, I’m a conversationalist. I’m inquisitive and love asking questions about both general and specific topics. My husband, on the other hand, is the strong, silent ty;e. He hates it when I ask him question after question. My attempts to get to know him better through what he deems interrogation are not received very well (maybe I should try water-boarding or something. LOL). Try as he might, he just doesn’t enjoy talking for hours on end. He’d much rather play ball, wrestle with our son, go bowling or watch a comedy show. That’s part of who he is.

So I find fulfillment of that 20% in things like writing for BMWK (woo-hoo!!!) or reading a book, or even creating characters for my first attempt at a novel. If I attempt to meet that need with another man just so I can hear conversation from someone with a deep voice and deep convictions, trouble is bound to follow. Emotional adultery could potentially ensue, and that’s a risk I’m not willing to take.

Ask your spouse what his or her “20%” is. Then ask yourself what yours is. If we blind ourselves to the minute areas we don’t feel fulfilled in, we invite Mr. Slickmouth or Ms. Bigbooty to present us with temptations that will catch us off guard. Hopefully you meant your vows when you said you would forsake all others, but never forget that the 80% you have at home deserves more than a selfish attempt to fulfill 20%.

After all, the grass may very well be greener on the other side…but more than likely, it’s really astroturf. I’ll take the real over the fake any day.

So, BMWK, what is YOUR 20% and how do you prevent yourself from running after it and forsaking the wonderful 80% you’ve been blessed with?

God bless!

~ Harriet

Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at harriet_hairston@yahoo.com.