I remember it so vividly. What seemed like a very small thing had such big implications! When my daughter was only a few weeks old I walked in the house from a business trip. I had been gone a few days so I was excited to get back and see my family.
I walked up the stairs where my wife and daughter were sitting on the couch and it happened. I ran over to my daughter and picked her up and kissed her and told her how much I missed her! I then proceeded to play with her for a few moments and then I caught a glimpse of my wife out of the corner of my eye…her lip was a little poked out and she even looked a little hurt. OOPS!
It was in that moment that I realized I was so into my daughter that I had totally forgotten to acknowledge the one who had blessed me with her. Where was her kiss? Where was her hug? Didn’t I miss her too?! Was I falling into the parent trap???
So, are you a parent or a partner first? Hmmmm that’s the age old question that constantly comes up in marriages and I think it’s one that many couples that have children struggle with. While it may seem easy in theory to “balance” everything in life, I think the actual practice of balance falls short.
For example, you have all the intentions in the world to spend quality time with your children and with your spouse after work but by the time you look up, you’ve spent plenty of time with your children but have to put your spouse off until “tomorrow.” Your heart was pure but now it’s been 3 months and “tomorrow” never came.
Some say your spouse should always come first, but others say your children didn’t ask to be here so they come first. I think for the most part, many just don’t know what to believe. You’ve seen it play out in marriages where no matter how much two people love each other, if they get in the habit of only connecting through the children, suddenly they become disconnected.
While their marriage may exist in structure, their connection becomes rocky and shaky. Suddenly, the kids get older and they look back at each other and realize they’ve lost all of the things that brought them together. While they were exceptional parents, they lost the art of being exceptional spouses.
What’s one to do??
It is my belief that while children need you to be exceptional parents to them they also need to see you being great and loving spouses to one another. They can feel when their parents are disconnected and you can’t fake them out but for so long.
They need to see you touch one another, talk to one another, sacrifice for one another, and protect one another. They even need to see you tell them NO sometimes so that you can say YES to one another!
Here is the harsh truth though, sometimes we HIDE behind our kids so that we don’t have to FIND one another! Now that’s a quote for you so take it, copy and paste it and post it, tweet it, or meme it and tag me! HA!
DISCUSSION: Okay so my point here wasn’t to necessarily answer the question, but to open up the conversation with all of you reading.
- What do you think about who comes first in marriage?
- How do we manage this phenomenon we termed “balance?”
- What advice would you give to those out there struggling with this?
BMWK, We want to hear from you so comment below!