By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My heart just bleeds for the ex-wife of Dwyane Wade. Recently Dwyane was awarded sole custody of his children. I thought of his wife because I empathize with the emotions she must be feeling. I thought of her many times as I heard of his new relationship and how he appeared to be moving on.
As I shared my concern for her during a conversation with friends, they immediately put me in my place as they stated the ex-Mrs. Wade has to accept the situation and move on with her life just as Dwyane had done. That isn’t that easy, I thought. I wondered where their compassion was. I imagined this woman dealing with so much pain and disbelief. I asked what about their history? It was said they had been together before all the fame and fortune, when there was absolutely nothing. How can he just up and leave her out of the blue like that? To that, the reply one of my friends gave, that stayed with me the most, was that both Wades had some idea that their marriage was in trouble. My friend simply stated, “Relationships don’t fall apart overnight.”
To that statement I had no comeback; I completely agreed. I have always been a component of encouraging couples to seek help as soon as they recognize their marriage is in trouble. In all fairness, it isn’t clear whether or not the Wades sought help prior to calling it quits. However, marriages in general should take immediate action the moment they feel the relationship is challenged.
If the majority of marriages don’t fall apart overnight, there is hope. In most cases there are warning signs when things aren’t going as planned. Why are there so many couples deciding to wait until there is no longer a desire to save it?
The Warning Signs
The signs of a marriage in trouble can look very different depending on the two people involved. Clear signs are a lack of communication and poor communication. Poor communication normally involves an extra amount of yelling, being disrespectful and a repetition of the exact same words over and over again. Other signs are limited amounts of intimacy, including simple physical touch; no kissing, hugging, holding hands or cuddling. Another sure sign that action needs to take place is when time apart becomes more frequent and necessary.
The Help
Depending on what warning signs are displayed in marriage, there is hope and help. In some cases couples may be embarrassed about letting others know they are struggling. There is a common practice of not airing dirty laundry in our communities and suffering in silence. Keeping quiet hurts more than it heals. A couple should find someone they both trust to talk to, preferably someone experienced in assisting couples. A pastor, relationship counselor and therapist are spiritually and professionally trained on how to move couples forward with a non-bias approach. Not discounting other successful couples that have overcome challenges who are often ready and willing to help other couples. Marriage retreats, workshops and seminars teach new skills on improving a relationship in a group setting, which can be a lot less intimidating. For those not ready to communicate their challenges with others, relationship books, websites and blogs present an effective way to get valuable information daily. Another often overlooked practice is having an honest dialogue within the marriage about what needs to happen to create a healthy and happy relationship. The follow-up to that conversation, in the form of action, has to occur.
Of course certain situations will not benefit from any of the above and that will be based on the choice of the couple. For those who are in a position to receive the gifts that develop from seeking help, that silence can no longer exist. Not everyone has to know what a couple is going through, but choosing a proactive solution that works for both could prevent a marriage from falling apart at all.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.