By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My heart just bleeds for the ex-wife of Dwyane Wade. Recently Dwyane was awarded sole custody of his children. I thought of his wife because I empathize with the emotions she must be feeling. I thought of her many times as I heard of his new relationship and how he appeared to be moving on.
As I shared my concern for her during a conversation with friends, they immediately put me in my place as they stated the ex-Mrs. Wade has to accept the situation and move on with her life just as Dwyane had done. That isn’t that easy, I thought. I wondered where their compassion was. I imagined this woman dealing with so much pain and disbelief. I asked what about their history? It was said they had been together before all the fame and fortune, when there was absolutely nothing. How can he just up and leave her out of the blue like that? To that, the reply one of my friends gave, that stayed with me the most, was that both Wades had some idea that their marriage was in trouble. My friend simply stated, “Relationships don’t fall apart overnight.”
To that statement I had no comeback; I completely agreed. I have always been a component of encouraging couples to seek help as soon as they recognize their marriage is in trouble. In all fairness, it isn’t clear whether or not the Wades sought help prior to calling it quits. However, marriages in general should take immediate action the moment they feel the relationship is challenged.
If the majority of marriages don’t fall apart overnight, there is hope. In most cases there are warning signs when things aren’t going as planned. Why are there so many couples deciding to wait until there is no longer a desire to save it?
The Warning Signs
The signs of a marriage in trouble can look very different depending on the two people involved. Clear signs are a lack of communication and poor communication. Poor communication normally involves an extra amount of yelling, being disrespectful and a repetition of the exact same words over and over again. Other signs are limited amounts of intimacy, including simple physical touch; no kissing, hugging, holding hands or cuddling. Another sure sign that action needs to take place is when time apart becomes more frequent and necessary.
The Help
Depending on what warning signs are displayed in marriage, there is hope and help. In some cases couples may be embarrassed about letting others know they are struggling. There is a common practice of not airing dirty laundry in our communities and suffering in silence. Keeping quiet hurts more than it heals. A couple should find someone they both trust to talk to, preferably someone experienced in assisting couples. A pastor, relationship counselor and therapist are spiritually and professionally trained on how to move couples forward with a non-bias approach. Not discounting other successful couples that have overcome challenges who are often ready and willing to help other couples. Marriage retreats, workshops and seminars teach new skills on improving a relationship in a group setting, which can be a lot less intimidating. For those not ready to communicate their challenges with others, relationship books, websites and blogs present an effective way to get valuable information daily. Another often overlooked practice is having an honest dialogue within the marriage about what needs to happen to create a healthy and happy relationship. The follow-up to that conversation, in the form of action, has to occur.
Of course certain situations will not benefit from any of the above and that will be based on the choice of the couple. For those who are in a position to receive the gifts that develop from seeking help, that silence can no longer exist. Not everyone has to know what a couple is going through, but choosing a proactive solution that works for both could prevent a marriage from falling apart at all.
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
am says
I have always been a component of encouraging couples to seek help as soon as they recognize their marriage is in trouble – i think you meant proponent.
Tiya says
You are absolutely correct. Thank you, that is what I meant.
Tony & Tarenia says
I truly felt your compassion for the ex Mrs. Wade. Often times the couple doesn’t know how to seek out help or where they can turn; especially in the case of being a celebrity or high profiled couple. We as a society must do better in educating and getting the word out about resources for marriage and relationship building.
GettingWearyInWellDoing says
So what does one do when you KNOW your marriage is in a dangerous place? The signs are there … lack of communication, and I mean he refuses to speak to me even to say good morning, etc. for weeks at a time. Other signs include limited amounts of intimacy, no kissing, hugging, holding hands or cuddling. And time apart is definitely more frequent than time together. We started marriage counseling twice, but he refuses to continue when it reaches a point of accountability. The kids and I go to worship every Sunday, Bible Study every Tuesday, and we pray together each morning before they go to school, but he refuses to participate in any of it, even though he’s a minister/seminary graduate/bible study teacher/etc. I’ve been trusting God and trying not to cause hostility by probing or forcing conversation, but this obviously can’t stay like this and it’s been almost 18 months. Friends & family say DIVORCE because he’s clearly not putting forth any interest or effort to change things. My flesh agrees, but I can’t honestly say that the Holy Spirit is telling me to do it. I want my marriage, but I can’t make a marriage work by myself. Any suggestions are appreciated.
Tiya says
Thank you for sharing. I think at this point probing and forcing conversation is necessary. You can’t make a marriage work by yourself, but without a conversation it doesn’t seem clear what your spouse wants. Whether the answer will be what you want to hear or not, you have to ask the question, does your spouse also want the marriage? If he does, that’s half of the battle, even if he isn’t communicating and you can’t see it now, both partners have to at least want to be there. If he does want to save the marriage, asking him what he feels would be the best way to start to heal the marriage is key. The marriage counseling may not be best for him, but he may have other solutions he feels more comfortable with.
GettingWearyInWellDoing says
Thanks Tiya, and I agree that inventory needs to be taken of what is actually WANTED by both. However, it’s impossible to get that verbal response when one of the parties will not even hold a conversation. Assumptions are all I have, based on behavior, because you cannot force someone to communicate or participate in a marriage if they are determined not to discuss ANYTHING. On the rare occasion when discussion has occurred, he states that he wants the marriage, but as we all learned in kindergarten, “action speaks louder than words”. He’s a Bible “scholar” and knows all the right things to do and say, however application is lacking. I’m far from perfect, but I am willing to try something new or different, and have been willing to make any of the suggested adjustments, but as previously stated, I can’t make this work by myself.
Reggie Williams says
Tiya, marriages don’t fall apart. In most situations people wreck them. Immaturity, selfishness, baggage and the spirit fakeness are those keys factors causing marital dysfunction.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Reggie Williams says
Tiya, marriages don’t fall apart. In most situations people wreck them. Immaturity, selfishness, baggage and the spirit fakeness are those keys factors causing marital dysfunction.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
rasaanj says
Reggie you hit it on the head my friend…… All of those things wrapped in a nice little package of ambiguity.
rasaanj says
Reggie you hit it on the head my friend…… All of those things wrapped in a nice little package of ambiguity.