Have you ever been there? You bought the lingerie, the candles, or the flowers. You did all of the things you were supposed to do to spice up your sex life with your spouse. For you, improving sexual intimacy is a priority and this will most definitely give us back that intimacy that we’ve been missing, you thought. But after you did everything you were supposed to do, somehow your efforts failed.
5 Practical Steps For Improving Sexual Intimacy
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Maybe not all the “spicing it up” methods resulted in the great sex you had in mind. Or maybe even after that physical connection took place, you still felt like that emotional connection was missing. The reason? Because it is your intimacy that you should be addressing in the truest sense of the word.
If you see a married couple who is enjoying an active sex life, they’re doing something right. Chances are their contact, friendship, warmth, and familiarity extends far beyond the bedroom, as in the following ways:
Kiss Daily
A kiss is one of the easiest ways to show your affection for your spouse. Not only does the simple gesture bring you just a little bit closer, but so much of romance starts with a kiss, so hopefully a few of those kisses will lead to more.
I heard this once from a church pastor and never forgot it. He said that kissing helps us to stay connected to one another and that it is hard to create too much distance from someone that you’re kissing all of the time. Many of our marital problems, he stated, begin when we just aren’t kissing enough. My husband and I kiss one another twice a day: when he leaves to go to work in the morning and when we get home. We’ve been doing it for so long that most of the time it just
feels like a habit.
Kiss your spouse. Every day. If you aren’t in the habit of doing this already, make it easy by doing it at the same time every day, maybe when you leave for work in the morning or before bed. If you are already in the habit, just get in the habit of doing it more often. Or try some different styles: forehead, tongue-down passionate, whatever works. Just do it.
Even though some days it may be just a one-second peck, you’ll know that even if you don’t get to connect at any other time throughout the day, you’ve had those two brief moments of affection. It isn’t a lot, but when you’re dealing with work, small children and whatever else may come your way it ensures that you won’t lose that connection because you stopped one day and never started up again.
Engage In PDA
Remember those early days in your relationship when even out in public you had a hard time keeping your hands to yourselves? You found every reason to touch, whether it was holding hands while walking through a store, or hugging for no reason at a party. It’s time to start bringing those days back.
Now, unless it’s what truly floats your boat, you don’t need to be in a restaurant with everyone else around you yelling “get a room.” You probably already have one, so if it gets that steamy in public, by all means, don’t be afraid to make good use of what you pay in mortgage/rent and head back to it.
Still, it’s nice to have those reminders and to grab those little moments of closeness when you can. After all, why not take a few moments to connect while you’re walking through the mall by doing something as simple as taking your spouse’s hand? Let your spouse know that she’s yours and you’re not afraid to show it!
Give a Good Backrub
Not only will touching one another make you feel closer, but a good backrub can also help ease the stress of a long day, which makes this tip a two-for-one. You don’t need to be a professional, just grab your honey and rub away. Make sure you take turns, meaning you need to reciprocate. If improving sexual intimacy is your goal, don’t fall asleep during your backrub and forget to return the favor.
Create Intimate Spaces in Your Home
Take a look around your room and think about what you see. Do you see stacks of books? Tissue boxes? Bills? Laundry? Files? If you’re looking at the image I just described, you’re not alone. But you’re also looking at a visual list of things that are pulling you away from your spouse, instead of improving your intimacy. Simply put, that mess ain’t sexy!
Maintaining the super sexy bedroom at all times is difficult. But as hard as it may be, it’s even harder to get in the mood when you’re staring at bills, tripping over puzzle pieces, and scraping your back on hot wheel cars. Ideally, you won’t have anything in your room that doesn’t involve sleeping, relaxation, or sex, but realistically, it’s okay if you don’t have time for a complete overhaul. Try to focus on just one unsexy source of clutter at a time and get rid of it, or at the very least, try to hide it in an attractive way.
Do a Sex Challenge
Improving sexual intimacy is a lot of work and you may not always be in the mood. But, sometimes you have to just do it. One way is by trying a sex challenge. There are lots of sex challenges out there and they can range in time increments from three days to thirty, but typically the premise is to challenge yourselves to have sex each day for the number of days in the challenge.
The goal of the challenge isn’t to make it so that you start having sex every night for the rest of your lives, but to get that sex-intimacy cycle moving in a positive direction. Tip: If you aren’t already having sex on a regular basis, try starting with a shorter period of time like seven days instead of 30. The intent is to get you back into the habit of having sex and being intentional about it, not give you something to embark upon and then feel like a failure afterward. Thirty days is a pretty long stretch!
No matter how much your intimacy may ebb and flow, the fact that it is a vital piece to your marriage puzzle never changes. Being diligent about maintaining the intimate relationship with your spouse will help you build the type of partnership to keep you close enough to take any bumps on the road toward a marriage that lasts a lifetime.
BMWK: How are you improving sexual intimacy in your relationship?
Up Next: 4 Benefits to Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex
Editor’s Note: BMWK originally published this post on February 2, 2018. We have updated it for quality and relevancy.