What is your stance on sex before marriage? A popular pastor whom I follow quotes that sex can be considered three things — “gross, god, or a gift.” I believe this to be very true in our day, due to how sex is overrated outside of marriage and underrated within marriage. In this post, we talk about why not having a physical relationship before marriage is better for a couple.
Sex Before Marriage | Why Waiting Until Marriage Works
- Having Sex Before Marriage Complicates Things
- Waiting Until Marriage Keeps God at the Center of Your Relationship
- Learn How to Talk Before You Walk
- Postponing Sex Before Marriage Keeps You from Being Attached Before “I Do”
- Sex Before Marriage Is Not as Good as Sex Within Marriage
Having Sex Before Marriage Complicates Things
It is gross to those who have been taught their entire life that sex is bad and will cause people to look at you differently. For some, it can become a god, taking over your time, money, and relationships in order to appease it. But, it is God’s purpose for sex to be seen as a gift. Sex is a gift to be shared with your spouse within the confines of marriage. My wife and I, by the grace of God, were both virgins at the moment of saying, “I Do,” to one another on our wedding day.
Based on our first-hand experience, here are four benefits of waiting until marriage to have sex.
Waiting Until Marriage Keeps God at the Center of Your Relationship
Honoring God in our relationship was my wife and I’s supreme goal and saying no to sex made that goal easily accomplishable. God is the inventor of marriage, which means you need Him in your marriage in order to have a healthy one. The stages before you say “I Do” are the most crucial for laying a solid foundation for your marriage.
Establishing a no sex boundary will keep you focused on the important aspects of a courting relationship. Yes, the desire to have sex will come, but with God, you will be able to have the strength to resist temptation. Trusting God in your relationship will help you to make a confident decision when you feel that person may be the one you desire to marry.
Learn How to Talk Before You Walk
Communication has always been and will always be one of the key components of a healthy relationship. My wife and I had a long distance relationship, so the majority of our time spent before marriage was over Skype or on the phone. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, but it was so worth it.
We really learned about each other on so many levels, and when we did see one another, the boundaries we had set in place kept us focused on enjoying one another communicatively versus physically. Early sexual satisfaction in a relationship delays you from discovering key areas of the relationship, such as the ability to commit, compatibility, and agreement on future goals.
Postponing Sex Before Marriage Keeps You from Being Attached Before “I Do”
There are only a few things that can attach you to someone for the rest of your life and two of those is a child together and sex. Children are a blessing from the Lord, but can also be a challenge to raise in hard circumstances. Protect yourself from this by agreeing to wait until marriage to have sex.
Another attachment that can form through sexual activity is a soul tie. Sex was created by God to tie that couple together forever. But when done outside of marriage, the same effect happens, but now it’s an illegitimate tie versus a covenantal tie. Premarital sex may feel good at that moment, but that’s all you will be left with after that night is over. If the relationship doesn’t work out, then breaking it off will be much easier if there hasn’t been a spiritual soul tie through sex.
Sex Before Marriage Is Not as Good as Sex Within Marriage
You can guarantee that if you abstain from having sex during your courting stage, the value you place upon one another will last your entire life. This value adds volumes to your sex life in marriage. Studies show that those who wait to have sex are happier in the long run.
I do not look at my wife like a piece of meat but like a treasure worth being handled with tender care. I proved that to her by denying my flesh and leading the stand for our purity. Our wedding night was the most beautiful encounter as we exchanged our gifts to each other that night. Our marriage was established on a sure foundation with God in the center of it all. Married people have the best sex!
Hear DeVon Franklin’s thoughts on the benefits of waiting until marriage in this video from GoodGuySwag:
Even if you have already had premarital sex in a previous relationship, that doesn’t disqualify you from making the decision to abstain from having a physical relationship before marriage. If you are in a sexually active relationship now but desire to change things, then pray for God to give you wisdom as you approach your girl/boyfriend. I guarantee you it will be worth it in the end.
What about it, BMWK Family? What are your reasons to wait until marriage? Tell us about them in the comments section.
Up Next: 5 Prayers For Better Sex And Intimacy In Your Marriage
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on March 12, 2014. It has been updated for quality and relevancy.
Jamal Miller is the Co-Founder of Married and Young.com (www.marriedandyoung.com), a community committed to doing relationships God’s way, alongside his wife Natasha Miller. He has been involved in Pastoral Ministry for over 8 years, graduating from Christ for the Nations Institute with his Practical Theology Degree and Ecclesia College with his Bachelors in Christian Leadership. Jamal is a Site Coordinator for an After School program and Student Ministries Pastor at All Nations Worship Assembly in Chicago.
This is nice and all but this does not address how to establish a healthy and happy sexual life once you’re married and dealing with one partner’s wealth of experience vs the other partner’s lack or dealing with past sexual abuse. Again, this is incomplete information from this website and paints an unrealistic, fairy tale image of sex in a marriage.
Agreed. Things that should probably be discussed for older virgins or long-time abstainers: being past one’s sexual prime; staying power (premature … you get the point); labedo, your sexual appetite; preferences: if you can’t get the job done one way, are you both comfortable with trying other methods?
You can only examine one side of a coin at a time. The information may seem incomplete to you because it’s the writer’s perspective, which may not be reflective of others’ – such as yourself – experiences. Nonetheless, it is an accurate account of the benefits of sex within the confines of marriage.
Perhaps you missed the article that was posted here last week about “grown folks”; it contained a link to Jet magazine. Give it a read, or listen to the program (about 30 mins) – it shares information that you might consider beneficial.
Excellent article! Young people need to hear more stories like this one. What they are seeing and hearing in the media makes what you did seem impossible. Thank you for sharing your testimony so they can see that it is indeed possible.
Thanks Jackie! I wholeheartedly agree that manny young and old need to hear the benefits of waiting!
Kish JCreigns Shedrick states “My boyfriend (40) and I (39) are waiting until we get married” “other than us both being virgins, he has a daughter (20’s) and I have a daughter (10).” My question- is there such a thing as Born Again Virgin? Just because they now see the light that one should wait until marriage does this automatically make them Virgins again? She also states they have been together 5 years and her opening statement is that they are WAITING which means they are not married as yet. So 5 years no sex is there such a thing well I guess if you are indeed invested in the Lord there is but if he so adores and cherishes her FIVE YEARS of waiting really??
She said “other than us being virgins”. And yes people can wait 5 years inside of a committed relationship if they are committed to their faith and their conviction to abstain. Although 5 years seems like a long time to date life happens.
Not waiting. If the sex is wack, I want to know. Do you buy cars without test driving them?
Well, how can you compare a person to a car, ridiculous comparison. We are talking about real, live, human beings with a soul and not an inanimate object like a car. That’s the problem, people take things like sex, other people’s feelings and values too lightly, hence why people can’t stay together anymore. There are people who “test drive” as you SO eloquently put it, and still don’t stay married any longer than those who don’t.
Preach it Stephanie. Most folks who don’t wait for marriage to have sex are the main ones who are shacking up, getting married and divorced multiple times. They’re having sex or have had sex with everybody they date. They’re all emotional and mentally jacked up … And have the audacity to look down on and criticize persons who are waiting. SMH
I agree 100% with this article. Choosing to wait is personal so it shouldn’t matter what others say.
Great article! I wish I would have waited, but instead I didn’t and suffered dearly with heart break because I didn’t follow the word of God. But I’m married now and I still feel the heartbreak, but not as much as when I was younger.
This is all new for me I’m dating a man who said we should wait till marriage. We have been dating for almost a year, it was very hard at first but is easier now, although I still wonder how a man can wait he is 50+ I am 40+ although he said that he didn’t want me just 4 sex it’s still hard to fathom..no sex we enjoy each others company we just cuddle if I stay over but we continue to progress I just don’t want to be waiting like a dummy if he is not, my biggest fear is that or it doesn’t Work out he is getting it somewhere else. No sex is hard for a woman and should be torture for a man….right?
STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE IS DOING OR NOT DOING WHEN YOU’RE NOT WITH HIM!!! This is where women make their mistakes right here … Living in fear of the man getting sex elsewhere. If he does, so what let him. If you compromise yourself into having sex with a man out of fear, you will lose yourself and him in the process. It’s not worth it, and sadly, he’s not either. #SpeakingFromExperience
I agree with your observation, I waited and although I am happily married, because of my lack of previous experience, that part of my marriage is suffering
…but there are tutorial books, videos, how to’s, etc, especially on the internet, but most importantly, honest communication with your spouse. has none of that helped? I hope so bc i’m in an abstinent relationship with a man who is inexperienced. I believe we will be able to work it out when the time comes.
I don’t know if anyone is still reading these posts, but I can attest to the fact that sex before marriage ruins things. I wanted to abstain from sex before marriage, but my flesh gave in. My boyfriend, who happens to be a deacon in our church, was even weaker than I in this area, and whenever we were together, that is all we seemed to do. However, I felt guilty and he knew it. He eventually came to resent my guilt feelings and accused me of trying to be “Holier than Thou”, especially because I have ‘two babies’ daddies’ from two previous marriages. I felt convicted every time, and the arguments kept coming, one right after another, over sex and everything else. One night he suggested we stop having sex and I agreed. Of course, he did not like this, asked me what he was supposed to do if he got weak, and couldn’t promise that he could survive a sexless relationship. Never mind the fact we were engaged to be married in 6 months. The night I told him I wanted to wait, he abruptly hung up the phone, then sent me a picture of his penis thirty minutes later. He was addicted to sex but did not want to admit it, and I felt things spiraling out of control. Right now I’m seeking God first and trusting Him to put me in a relationship where I can honor and serve Him with my whole heart and not fall victim to my flesh.
Such a great blog about benefits of sex. Everyone should follow this blog.