[tps_header]If you and your spouse are truly ride-or-die for each other…if you believe it’s truly ‘us against the world’, then why do you let ‘the world’ cause problems in your marriage during the holidays. And by ‘the world’, I specifically mean, your in-laws.
True story.
My friend Timarrah (as we’ll call her) has been married to Remy for five years. Before marriage, they agreed to alternate holidays with their families. And this year, it’s Christmas in Crenshaw with Remy’s mother—his very opinionated and shady mother.
Timarrah is dreading this trip because the last two run-ins with her mother-in-law, she had to up her Vitamin D intake because of all the shade her mother-in-law was throwing at her about her parenting style of their 10-month-old. What’s worse was Remy didn’t check her on it, leaving Timarrah feeling like she had no help or protection from her husband. He might as well have been there, whispering “take that, take that” with each diss his mom flung his wife’s way.
Does this sound anything like your experiences in past holidays with your in-laws? Like Timarrah, are you worried that the disagreements, the shade-throwing and the drama will ruin your holidays…and the fragile peace you’ve brokered in your marriage?
Well, if so, here is a five-step strategy to ensure you enjoy a peaceful happy holiday season with your in-laws.
[/tps_header]The Meeting Before the Meeting
Before you meet with your spouse, have a meeting with yourself. Come up with two or three of your most serious concerns. Write them down, so you don’t conflate them with other issues that have nothing to do with your holiday plans.
Tell Them How You Feel, Not What They Aren’t Doing
When you share your list of concerns, speak from the standpoint of how you feel about the issues. Be like, ‘When [this] happens, I feel like [this]’. Avoid the, ‘I don’t like it when your mother does [this]’ approach. Attacking their family, however right you are, will only trigger a tit-for-tat exchange on whose family is the worst.
Set Boundaries
If it’s really ‘us against the world’ in your marriage, come to agreement on boundaries for appropriate and inappropriate behavior/interaction/comments/requests/etc. For example, Timarrah might say to Remy, “Negative comments about my/our parenting style are out of bounds.”
Be My Champion
Confronting your in-laws is one of the most awkward things a spouse has to do. So ask your spouse to be your champion—by championing your case to their family when boundaries are crossed. Discuss what you want them to do/say in your defense.
But I must warn you. Asking your spouse to confront their family on your behalf puts a lot of pressure on them. Be gracious by being sensitive to the stress they’re under to muster the courage to champion your case…and to do it boldly and with confidence.
The Code Word
When a boundary gets crossed and your spouse didn’t notice it or isn’t championing your case, create a code word that means, “hey babe…I need my champion to the rescue it-‘bout-now”. The code work should be a normal word you can use in a sentence around your in-laws, but they won’t notice it. Like the word “interesting.” For example, if Remy’s mother says something negative about Timarrah’s child rearing, she would say something like, “Oh…that’s an interesting way to look at it”. And that code word would trigger her champion to the rescue.
Admittedly, this is a tricky conversation to have. But not having it will cause more disgust and disdain for your in-laws—and maybe each other—after the holidays than you had before them. But the silver-lining in having this conversation is that you will be a stronger couple, having met this challenge and conquered it. Proving that, in fact, it’s truly ‘us against the world’.