“I’m just afraid everything will change!” Yup…that seems to be the number one fear of most men as they start to entertain the idea of marriage.
Maybe it’s the horror stories they’ve heard from other men; or maybe it’s the transformation they’ve seen some women undergo after marriage; or maybe it’s just a lack of understanding of what marriage is really all about.
The truth of the matter is that YES, some things will change when you get married; but change isn’t always a bad thing. I always say different doesn’t mean good or bad…it just means different! Here are a few areas that might change for a couple once they are married, and I promise, they can handle the shift.
1) Sex
Since this is probably the number one thing people worry about, let’s address it first. For some reason, the perception is that once you get married a switch that was always on flips to off and the sex stops.
Okay, okay, okay for some people that might happen; but the truth is that in most long term relationships, once you get past the honeymoon, both people have to become more conscious about their sex lives.
Your hormones might not be on level 1000 once you’re used to seeing someone every day and the reality of life and all its demands set in. This means that sometimes you’re so drained by the time you get home, sex is less of a priority.
Just because it’s less of a priority though doesn’t mean it’s less of a need, thus you have to MAKE it a priority. Understand that half of the battle is just getting started. If you are both very busy, there is nothing wrong with scheduling it.
That way, you KNOW when it’s going down and you can anticipate the fun to come. You can have the sex life you want but you have to create it, and honestly, the freedom and openness that comes with married sex is AWESOME! I’m just saying…
2) Quality time
When you’re building a life together, that comes with more responsibility, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of quality time. You may, however, have to redefine what quality time looks like in your mind.
I know for me and my wife it might mean just sitting around together enjoying doing nothing. Sometimes it’s brunch or breakfast alone without our baby. Sometimes it’s a good long car ride with great conversation without our phones or social media.
You might have less down time to spend, but the quality of it can stay the same, and even IMPROVE if you make it a priority and invest in the uninterrupted time you share as a couple.
3) Friendships
For some reason, the perception is that once you get married all of your pre-marriage friendships have to stop. FALSE! I’m still friends with all of my circle that I had before I got married, but sometimes the dynamic of those friendships change.
Sometimes boundaries have to be established and people who are truly your friends understand this. For example, my homeboys that dropped by my bachelor pad anytime they felt like it will make sure it’s okay before they come by the home that I now share with my wife and child.
Of course they are still welcome, but they realize it’s a good idea to call first. In marriage, you can also gain new friends that might be in the same season of life that you are now in. If your friendships are healthy for your marriage, then they won’t have to change them; but if they are causing problems within your marriage (your first priority) then they might just have to go.
4) The social scene
You might be a legend on the club scene and maybe you were the king of house parties before you got married. That’s not to say that you can’t still enjoy those scenes from time to time, but they probably won’t be a mainstay in your social arsenal once you get married.
Your marriage needs constant investment of time and sometimes the time you end up spending socially will revolve around you and your wife and family. I told a friend of mine the other day that my new idea of fun was a beer, big screen TV, and sports on demand with my wife and baby with me.
I used to think that was boring, but now I understand how enjoyable it can be. I definitely still enjoy time with my friends doing “guy stuff” and even going out as well, but it’s not the priority that it used to be (quite honestly…staying up past 11pm ain’t as easy as it used to be! Fellas can you feel me on this?!)
5) Finances
You used to be able to spend freely and what was yours was yours; but when you’re supporting a family, finance accountability and responsibility are paramount. If you have a plan and you stick to it, then your financial job isn’t a hard one, but maybe just slightly different from before the nuptials…especially if the only money plan you ever had before was not to go broke.
If it’s truly a partnership, then NO, the wife doesn’t just take all of your check and blow it; and NO, your husband won’t sneak off and buy luxury cars without a discussion. Being accountable to another person with how you spend money, and understanding the plans you have for that money shouldn’t be dreaded because if you don’t control your finances they will control you.
Okay. So YES, things do change once you get married; but they aren’t all changes for the bad. Many of the changes are just necessary for the peace in your marriage and survival of your marriage.
Marriage doesn’t mean miserable, and different doesn’t always mean bad. Your MINDSET will determine if the changes that come with marriage will defeat you or if you will embrace them and make them work to your advantage.
BMWK, what else changes after marriage?