“Well that’s just not who I am!”
When I heard this yet again from another client I knew I had to write about it.
I often coach clients and couples who are very resistant to change. In many cases, they feel stagnant and disconnected in relationships that have reached a new season and require evolution and growth. Often times, when couples reach this point, rather than grow, they become complacent. Rather than thrive, they merely exist. In fact, someone reading this right now is complaining about all the things that are wrong with their marriage or mate yet has neglected to step back and recognize their own unwillingness to evolve or shift. To avoid the inevitable crash and burn, here are some tips to bring life, energy and romance back to your marriage.
1) Accept that there are seasons
Prior to marriage, couples are rarely taught that the wedding day emotions do not readily transition into married life fulfillment. People change. And, as people change, so do their needs. The girl he met who was satisfied with gifts and nice restaurants now needs his affection and quality time. The man she married who was appeased by her good looks and good sex, now needs her nurturing and support. The point is that when those seasons change, you may have to change as well. You can’t just say “well that’s not who I am!”
2) Be open to change
Ok, so nurturing isn’t your thing. Being affectionate makes you break out in hives. Washing dishes and cooking is hazardous to your health. Even so, if this season requires these sacrifices, make every effort to grow into what your mate needs. Rather than fight it, change it. You may find that you’re more capable than you think. Trying beats being unwilling to mature which will only lead to ng frustration within the relationship.
2) Check in with each other early and often
To be fair, you shouldn’t complain that your mate isn’t meeting your needs if you haven’t made your needs clear. No one is a mind reader, but we seem to forget that when it comes to our partners. You’ve told everyone who would listen what your mate hasn’t been doing, but have yet to communicate that to your loved one. Schedule regular check ins with your mate whether monthly, quarterly, or as needed. It’s like the routine maintenance for your vehicle. All systems may be good to go, or there could be a problem somewhere; so you check in to make sure things are okay or to uncover an area of concern.
4) Invest in your relationship
Contrary to popular belief, constantly fighting about things won’t suddenly fix them. If you have trouble communicating effectively, it won’t improve if you’ve never taken the time to read about it, or seek out coaching or counsel on it. Have you considered attending a relationship conference or reading a relationship improvement book together? What about seeking counsel from older couples who have a strong history together? The truth is, many people will invest in everything but their relationship. Investing in your love life will not only bring you closer but will give you tools to effectively weather any season.
5) Acknowledge when your mate makes the shift for you.
Most of us really just want to be acknowledged and appreciated. So when we make the effort to change, hearing a heartfelt “Thank you” goes a long way. While some behaviors may seem obvious, acknowledging and appreciating the effort demonstrates care and results in that continued desired behavior. Just as we are quick to criticize, we should be just as quick to praise.
The bottom line is that happy and healthy relationships don’t just happen, they are built. You can’t expect your marriage to thrive, survive, and be great if you aren’t intentional about strengthening the qualities that make it so!
BMWK what else can be done to survive potentially rough or new seasons in our relationships?