I am a planner. I like to know what I am going to do long before I do it because it allows me to be prepared. It’s not that I’m incapable of doing something spontaneous, but I’m not the one typically taking the lead if spontaneity is involved. One of the reasons I’m like this is because I am not a huge fan of surprises. I don’t want anyone or anything just rolling up on me. I want to be ready.
When it was time for me to say “I do,” however, I had to realize that always being ready was probably not going to happen since there is no way to truly prepare for what you don’t know. I mean sure, you can and should do pre-marital counseling and discuss countless value-based issues to help you get ready for this life-long partnership. But the thing is, that level of readiness still doesn’t prepare your for the unexpected emotional stuff that will find it’s way into your marriage.
I’ve come to realize that despite anything we do to prepare for married life, sometimes things happen that we just aren’t prepared for. That’s life. But I do think there are things we can do within our marriages to help us manage whatever comes up before it snowballs into a larger issue. Maybe no one can tell us everything we need to know before we get married, but knowing a few things once you are married can help you keep your marriage in tact when life happens. Here are a few things that have helped us manage the unexpected twists and turns of married life. I hope they help you too.
1. Let it out. Keeping your thoughts and emotions to yourself when something happens only makes it harder for you and your spouse to manage it. Sure, it’s okay to take time to process, but you should let your feelings out sooner rather than later.
2. Learn to apologize. Foolish pride is a mess. Don’t get caught up in it. If something has gone wrong and you know you played a role in it, give your spouse the sincere apology they deserve.
3. Practice empathy. When something unexpected happens, we all manage our pain differently. It makes a world of difference if you can take a moment to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.
4. Turn to another couple you trust. Don’t go telling everybody and their mother about your marital problems, but do have a couple you both love and trust who has been in this marriage game for years. Their insight about navigating the twists and turns of marriage will be priceless.
5. Work through your own stuff. Sometimes we can’t deal with the tough stuff in marriage because we still have stuff we owned before we even met our spouse and we still haven’t worked through it. For your marriage to work, you have to be willing to do your own work.
6. Stop trying to be right. It’s not about being right (even if you really are), it’s about speaking your piece and then moving forwards towards common ground. You will waste a whole lot of time if your primary concern is proving that you are right.
7. Stop holding grudges. What purpose does a grudge serve? Let it go and work it out. Being angry and petty doesn’t help anything and it’s a waste of time. Even if what happened has damaged your marriage in a major way, holding a grudge won’t serve either one of you.
8. Address the REAL problem. When unexpected things happen in our marriage we can sometimes feel the need to bring up all the other stuff we have issues with because the new issue has served as reminder of the old stuff. Ask yourself what the REAL problem is and do your best to work on that.
9. Have faith. If every time something happens you feel like your marriage is over, there’s a larger problem at hand. When stuff hits the fan, you have to have faith in the union you’re a part of. Without faith, how can you work through anything?